1. Josiejo

    Josiejo Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    26
    Female
    Devon
    Hi Everyone,
    It's a long time since I have logged in to TP but i'm searching for support & understanding of how I feel...and I think I may find it here.
    We lost our darling Mum 18 months ago, I can't stop thinking about how this horrid disease robbed us of our Mum.
    I seemed to be doing ok with processing the grief, but all of sudden I have hit what feels like an insurmountable wall.
    Others on here have explained it better than me, but there is an emptiness after caring, then loss that I just can't explain.
    I've been defined by dementia for so long and I wouldn't have had it any other way....in fact looking back I could have done more. But when you are absorbed in caring and fighting for the best support, you cannot necessarily see what you see now.
    Thanks for reading this babble, just need to reach out.
    Love to you all
    xxxxx
     
  2. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    52
    Male
    Hi @Josiejo, I know exactly how you feel, as I put it in my 'dealing with loss' post - empty and hollow. It is so difficult for anyone who hasn't witnessed the daily struggles that come with a loved one with dementia to understand the feelings after bereavement. Dealing with bereavement after dementia is unique and often confusing, they call dementia the 'long goodbye' as you can go through a form of bereavement as the disease progresses as you see the person you knew and loved being gradually eroded. I don't know if you have had bereavement counselling - it certainly helped me (my counsellor had a good insight of dementia) and I was quite sceptical and only had it 7 months after Mum's passing - that said it isn't a panacea but does help.
     
  3. Josiejo

    Josiejo Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    26
    Female
    Devon
    Hi @Pete1
    Thank you for your reply...I knew that I would find support here. It is very difficult for people not touched by Dementia to understand. And while everyone's journey is different we are bonded by the cruelty of this disease.
    I have had counselling and that has helped...I'm just surprised to be hit back with this, when I thought I was coping.
    I will re read your post again and others, hopefully this will help
    Thank you,
    Josie
     
  4. Marnie63

    Marnie63 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    1,586
    Hampshire
    Same here. Just over a year since my mum died and I get hit by very vivid memories of the awful things that the disease did to her. They say eventually the sad memories will be replaced by happier ones, but I haven't had the happier ones take over yet! I think it will take a long time before I reach that stage. And you are right, it's hard to explain it to someone who has not experienced the disease at close hand. I don't even try now and if people say ridiculous things, I just let it go. I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible - I've had a few holidays (mostly where I have been with a group of people throughout, so lots of opportunity to chat), phoned friends and chatted with friends in person, chatted at length to a good friend who cared for many more years than me for a relative (but not with dementia), gone out walking regularly with my local walking group, anything I can think of to distract myself and get myself out of the house, but as soon as I'm back here and all the 'fun' is over, the horrible memories are just as vivid, and I don't feel I've really made much progress.

    I've reached the conclusion that there's no other help for this than to let more time pass.

    I have no regrets about caring for my dear mum, but it has certainly taken its toll on me emotionally, in a way I had never experienced previously, and hopefully will never experience again.
     

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