Stepmum's had enough but her moods affecting my dads. She declines offers to go get respite or a break with family, I have with them as dad's carer s

[su3anne]

Hi my first posting so not sure if its in the right place
I moved in with dad and his wife in March, dad has Alzheimer's, was diagnosed 6years ago. His wife is a little sensitive in general and holds grudges for a while but now dad's in her bad books. She has tried so hard to care for him and help but she is not naturally empathetic and gets flustered easily.
Dad is very social, loves to chat to people, but when things get tricky, if he's over tired or frustrated when out and about, she takes it so personally. I have been a carer professionally so I am able to be calm and not show my true emotions but I seem to spend most of my time trying to ensure dad doesn't upset his wife.
I have asked her to go to GP as she is on anti depressants but she won't, she said she doesn't sleep, I stay up with dad while she goes up early to get a break. I'm venting because I feel she is creating a horrible atmosphere which my dad reacts too.
I feel terrible because I daydream of her disappearing so I can care for dad myself.
I usually go to see my daughters on a Friday night to Sunday lunch time, but now feel I should stay here 24/7.
Dad goes to a club twice a week and when assessed recently the assessor agreed with me it should be three times, something his wife is not keen on.
When she loses it she tells him he should be in a home or gets stroppy and gives him his mail and tells him to sort it out.
She can be very condesending. We get on usually but it's because I walk on eggshells!
I am scared to speak my mind too much incase she asks me to leave and then dad's screwed.
I do have shared power of attorney with her but would hate for it to become a battle.
She does listen to alot of advice I've given and isn't a bad person, just finding things very difficult and as a result making everything so much worse.
Not sure what I'm hoping for with this thread, just good to get it out x

 

[Shedrech]

hello @su3anne
a warm welcome to DTP

it can't be easy for your dad's wife to have to come to terms with his diagnosis and decline over the years, slowly losing the man she married, then have the adjustment of having his daughter move into their marital home ... however tough she may have found providing his care, he is her husband and she wants the best for him, so much so that she has accepted that they need support and accepted you into their home

some people find that providing care just doesn't come naturally, however much they care about the person, and however they show that they care ... you appreciate that his wife is doing the best she can ... no doubt she appreciates the experience you bring (which she may find a little intimidating) ... remember to allow yourself to be your dad's daughter, and her to be his wife, the woman he chose to share his life with, to make decisions with ... caring can't be perfect, sometimes it's a case of muddling through and taking what's good enough at the time

unless she asks you to stay, you all need the separate days ... and at some point it may be in your dad's best interests to look into residential care ... your dad gave shared Power of Attorney, so trusts you both to find ways to work together, knowing you both care about him

it's good that you've joined this community of folk who know only too well how it can be, so you can get things off your chest ... it does help to share experiences

I hope your dad's wife has someone to chat with ... maybe she also might join us here to find that there are others in similar situations; it may be as great relief to her as I hope it is for you

 

[I thank you for the years]

Hi my first posting so not sure if its in the right place
I moved in with dad and his wife in March, dad has Alzheimer's, was diagnosed 6years ago. His wife is a little sensitive in general and holds grudges for a while but now dad's in her bad books. She has tried so hard to care for him and help but she is not naturally empathetic and gets flustered easily.
Dad is very social, loves to chat to people, but when things get tricky, if he's over tired or frustrated when out and about, she takes it so personally. I have been a carer professionally so I am able to be calm and not show my true emotions but I seem to spend most of my time trying to ensure dad doesn't upset his wife.
I have asked her to go to GP as she is on anti depressants but she won't, she said she doesn't sleep, I stay up with dad while she goes up early to get a break. I'm venting because I feel she is creating a horrible atmosphere which my dad reacts too.
I feel terrible because I daydream of her disappearing so I can care for dad myself.
I usually go to see my daughters on a Friday night to Sunday lunch time, but now feel I should stay here 24/7.
Dad goes to a club twice a week and when assessed recently the assessor agreed with me it should be three times, something his wife is not keen on.
When she loses it she tells him he should be in a home or gets stroppy and gives him his mail and tells him to sort it out.
She can be very condesending. We get on usually but it's because I walk on eggshells!
I am scared to speak my mind too much incase she asks me to leave and then dad's screwed.
I do have shared power of attorney with her but would hate for it to become a battle.
She does listen to alot of advice I've given and isn't a bad person, just finding things very difficult and as a result making everything so much worse.
Not sure what I'm hoping for with this thread, just good to get it out x

I have a similar situation with my Dad and step-mother although I do not live with them. You are clearly doing your very best for your Dad. Carry on being kind and patient with your step mother. She may in time see the benefits of him going to the club for an extra session. Carry on being kind to yourself too. Continue seeing your daughters if at all possible. Your relationship with them is also important and without getting a regular break away from the situation with your Dad and step mother you are more likely to ”snap” and say something that you later regret. Having to walk on egg shells and engage in peace-keeping duties is very stressful but given the circumstances it is unlikely that you can change the situation. You need to do as much as you can to build and maintain your resilience levels to keep on doing what you are doing. Vent as and when you need to be it here or in any other safe space.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @su3anne You certainly have posted in the right place.

I wonder if your stepmother would be helped by the following;

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk