my partner wasdiagnosedwith altheimers and parkinsons with leweys about 6years ago, hes steadly getting worse, very forgetful and very restless. i have to get him out every day and he constantle asks me, 'where are we going today, or what are we doing' sometimes i just want to be in the house. lately he has been getting more aggressive and faces up to me in a boxer stance. ive told him i will ring the police if he touches me. this calms him down. o worry how bad this will get.
Steadily getting worse
- Thread starter taylor01207
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hello @taylor01207 dont worry about spelling mistakes, if you feel scared then phone them. maybe a talk to the gp or memory clinic to see if theres any medication to calm him down. there are a few meds for alzheimers that ive noticed from other members. make sure you have your mobile charge and with you and see if there is a safe space like a room with a lock. i never even thought i would phone the police if i felt scared but ive had such a lot of support on here that i would phone them now. i used to blame myself but really its not your or my fault. maybe a care assessment and a carer assessment for you that you are entitled to, could be best. stay safe
Hi @taylor01207, do make sure you have a safe place to go with a lock on the door and keep your phone on you at all times. Please don't hesitate to call the police if you do feel unsafe. It isn't your husband's fault, it's the way dementia is affecting him and you need to feel secure as well as looking after your husband.
Maybe call the help line 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk and talk through options for getting more help for the both of you.
Maybe call the help line 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk and talk through options for getting more help for the both of you.
thanks for all your replies. i do have supportive family but there is certain things i dont tell them. they would be worried and they have enogh on their plates. thanks to you all. i am managing it myself, i feel guilty even talking about it.
Hi @taylor01207 its sad that we keep these things to ourselves, when really we should involve family if we have them. I called his son about a month ago at 11pm as his dad had locked the doors from the inside and pocketed the keys, and he was shocked at the level of aggression he saw. I moved a week ago, so I am putting the aggression I have now down to that, but I am now a street away from my daughter, so she will now see more of what I put up with. It’s the emotional upheaval I find hard, and have no solution yet.
Why do we keep it to ourselves? I also have a really supportive family but can’t tell them the aggression I am putting up with. My husband had me by the neck this morning up against the wall. This has been the worst he’s done to me. I’m in shock and feel traumatised. He doesn’t want anyone else to know his diagnosis so I am on my own. I don’t know why I protect him.
I think there’s a bit of shame about it, I didn’t tell family either. what happened to you this morning was awful. Please tell social workers, your GP, everyone you can. And please also phone the police if you are in danger. Warmest, concerned about you. Kindred
that's really worrying @angelhugs
please contact your GP and Social Worker to let them know about this behaviour ... some meds may help ... or some Respite ... tell them this is a safeguarding issue as you, and your husband, are at risk of harm
and contact the police, so that the incident is logged, as they can make referrals to get more support ... certainly if it happens again call 999 as you must be safe in your own home .. I appreciate the aggression and violence is linked to your husband's dementia, but that does not mean that you have to put up with it ... and I know it's hard to call the police for your own spouse, but it's not right that you are put in a dangerous situation and it's not 'fair' on him to be that worked up
keep a mobile on you at all times, and have a room you can retreat to which has a lock on the door and if possible access to outside, even through a window
if you sense your husband getting worked up, don't engage with him, walk away and leave him be ... please then get help ... you cannot risk being hurt for your own welfare, and you'll no longer be able to care for your husband
yes, it's tough to let family know that you are facing aggression, but how can they support you both if they don't know
for someone to talk to
www.alzheimers.org.uk
and
www.refuge.org.uk
please contact your GP and Social Worker to let them know about this behaviour ... some meds may help ... or some Respite ... tell them this is a safeguarding issue as you, and your husband, are at risk of harm
and contact the police, so that the incident is logged, as they can make referrals to get more support ... certainly if it happens again call 999 as you must be safe in your own home .. I appreciate the aggression and violence is linked to your husband's dementia, but that does not mean that you have to put up with it ... and I know it's hard to call the police for your own spouse, but it's not right that you are put in a dangerous situation and it's not 'fair' on him to be that worked up
keep a mobile on you at all times, and have a room you can retreat to which has a lock on the door and if possible access to outside, even through a window
if you sense your husband getting worked up, don't engage with him, walk away and leave him be ... please then get help ... you cannot risk being hurt for your own welfare, and you'll no longer be able to care for your husband
yes, it's tough to let family know that you are facing aggression, but how can they support you both if they don't know
for someone to talk to
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Domestic violence - Refuge Charity - Domestic Violence Help
What is domestic violence? Domestic violence is the systematic pattern of behaviour on the part of the abuser designed to control his partner. The abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual. Anyone forced to alter their behaviour because they are frightened of their...
www.refuge.org.uk
my husband could be aggressive physically and verbally long before he had dementia. i told him then that i would never keep it a secret and i would always tell someone as its the secrecy that gave him the control and power. he didnt like it but i didnt like the aggression either. since hes had dementia for the last 2 yrs, it has exaggerated the aggression and what was already there. ive told the adult children and reported it to the GP , SS and was referred to domestic abuse. they explained that when i phone the police, they are really understanding and will assess the situation. they may leave him there or take him away but not to sit in a cell. i was reluctant but if it happens now, i would call them. they would send a report to SS which gives evidence of his behaviour. dont suffer alone and get some help
I agree with all the comments to you @angelhugs as physical aggression is just a step too far. Some other wise person said along these lines that you have to remember there are two of you in the relationship, and just because they have dementia, you can’t let them get away with totally dominating your life.
Thank you for all your replies it really means a lot that I am not alone. It’s so frustrating because nobody sees this nasty person, to everyone else he’s the friendly joker making everyone laugh. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. People wouldn’t believe what he turns into. He came home in a different mood but I have left him be. I feel drained. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. He probably doesn’t remember what he did to me this morning. Thing is it’s all on our security camera as it was just outside the front door so he can’t say I’m making it up like he says I do about everything else. I’m going to tell him if he gets aggressive again I will ring the police or his brother. Thank you all again so much for your support xxx
i would tell his brother anyway and whoever else because you may need their help if you need a place of safety. his brother maybe able to distract him
