Lasting Power of Attorney done at last but still no further forward
Hello everyone
I often log and read other people's threads and it really makes me realise how just damn frustrating things can be and how kind everyone is on this forum.
I was wondering if I could ask for some help or just someone to talk to please?
My mother is nearly 90 and is very forgetful and is showing all of the signs of early dementia. She has been to the doctor for all of the physical tests and, for her age, amazingly healthy. She is due to go back this week to have a chat with the Dr but has told me that she does not want anything more done to her and 'just wants to be left alone'.
My mother has been widowed for 3 years and my late father left her very comfortably off which is a great relief.
I have a brother (6 years older than me) who lives about 100 miles away who comes to see Mum every few months. We have discussed an LPA but my brother is of the mind that we wil deal with that when necessary and that whilst mum is able to cope in her own home on her own then just leave at that. I live next to my mum and it is usually me that she calls on for support, usually the way when a sibling lives close by.
I recently went on holiday with mum in October on a cruise for two weeks. My partner and I realised very quickly just how confused, vague and forgetful mum was out of her home environment. We could not leave the ship with mum nor could we leave mum on her own at any time. We decided that mum was very vulnerable and I let her GP know by email as soon as we got back off holiday because I had made the GP aware of my concerns. I also discussed this with my brother and he eventually agreed to organise an LPA. This took a real effort to get mum to agree to this because she felt that we were going behind her back and she felt that she had been rail roaded. Anyway, it was signed last week and mum is happy because she is sure that no one is going to take her money or home away from her.
However, up to now, my partner has looked after mum's garden (he works a 12 hour day and has his own family and home to look after) and I have dealt with most other things as they crop up, taken mum shopping, helped her with weeding, repairs to her house and her finances. There is a limit to what my brother can do because he lives so far away.
What I have been doing over the past three years since Dad passed away is to try and support mum emotionally, physically and mentally because I have felt sorry for her. I think mum has now begun to rely on me more than she realises. My children have grown up and left home and so my partner and me enjoy what time we can spend together when he is not working or spending time with his daughter and grandson.
Dad always did everything for mum when he was alive and I have sort of taken over his roles. Mum does look after herself reasonably well but has not got the mindset to organise gardeners, handymen or how to organise her finances. So, if anything goes wrong, of course she comes knocking at my door for my help which I am happy to give.
Now that mum is very forgetful, I can see this getting worse over time. I must confess that I am beginning to resent the fact that I am on call when my brother is totally free.
So, in effort to resolve this, I asked my brother to talk to mum to see if she would agree for an account to be opened in either of our names so that either my brother or me can arrange for mum's garden to be maintained, hedges cut and her bungalow to be looked after on a regular basis and we pay for it out of this account, rather than having to rely on mum to organise it.
I feel that the problem lies with trying to organise anything with mum is nightmare because she wants to control it totally but does not have the skills to plan and organise. For example, her garden got very overgrown this year and mum started complaining to me about it. So, we spent a half an hour trying to sort it out but, after a bit, mum told me to stop doing any more because she was tired and wanted to stop. I offered to carry on for the rest of the afternoon but she told me that she didn't want me to do any more either! Meanwhile, the garden gets more overgrown and mum continues to complain to me. After a few weeks, I offer to find gardeners for her but she does not like the ones that I find for her. In the end, I find a gardener and I explain the situation, that mum is suspicious and so on and the gardener is primed to handle mum with kid gloves, voila mum is happy and the garden is done! This involves a lot of work for me and I do have my own home to run.
I thought that organising a gardener, hanyman, window cleaner, electrician, plumber on a regular basis that could be done by me or my brother and paid for out of a general account supplied with money from mum would solve it. Rather, than have mum call me asking me to sort out a blocked drain, toilet, mice in the kitchen cupboards, clearing out a shed, speaking to utility providers, organising a skip, clearing her garden...ect.ect. Especially, as mum is very frail, forgetful and vulnerable.
This was not agreed to by mum and my brother was not prepared to persuade her. Mum wants to have complete control over her finances, her home and who comes to look after it. What she wants from me is to be there for her when she needs me, find someone to sort out her problems but dictate to me (whilst I am on the phone at her house trying to sort things out!) who does it!
Frankly, I have had enough.
All I can see now is me being jerked around by my mother who's mental capacity is fading and there is nothing I can do about it because I love and care about her but it does mean that I feel guilty if I don't see her regularly or help her when she asks (even if it is inconvenient to me) or if I go away and leave her on her own.
I have spoken to my brother about how I feel but he says that I am 'nannying' mum and that she should be allowed to organise her own repairs and maintenance to her home. He says that if she cannot cope then he will speak to her. I have explained my concerns about mum's memory but he thinks that she can cope. Which is easy to say when you live 100 miles away and it is not on your doorstep.
I do not have loads of money and mum will always pay me for anything that I organise on her behalf. I just feel that I am mum's 'go for'.
Has anybody experienced this? Has anyone any suggestions how I solve this?
I thought that a diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease would persuade my brother to help me but it looks like that will fail because mum is now refusing to engage with the doctor because she wants to be left alone.