Hi Notmymum, thank you for your message.
Such a hard situation to deal with it all. I've absolutely no experience or know anyone with dementia, so this is all new to me. I've never really had a close relationship with my dad. He has been in and out of my life over the years. So its extra hard, trying to build up trust with him when he is so suspicious of everything. From not seeing him in 5 years and the odd time before that, to being on the phone every day and calling down twice a week, its no wonder he is wary. He told everyone about me taking his deeds. He visited his sisters minister and told him we were both conspiring to take everything on him. He has forgotten about all that for now. Every couple of weeks the cycle changes to another topic, or suspicion. He knows he has problems with his memory but puts it down to being retired and bored.
You couldn't have put it better about the car situation. Some people I have chatted to maybe felt I shouldn't be telling police about the car and that he drinks in the evenings etc. How do I know he won't take that car out and kill someone after a few drinks for the sake of getting milk or a pack of cigars!. I couldn't have that on my conscience. He has never drunk and drove in his life, but he may forget. Also for his own safety if he is forgetting where he has parked. I went down to see him last night with my usual roast dinners and he was out in the car. Haven't been able to get him on the phone, so the worry and sleepless nights continue. Used to always be able to get him on the phone and he would phone me loads, but getting more difficult to get him to switch the phone on. He usually puts the car keys in different places in his kitchen, so only a matter of time before he can't find them himself. He has already lost the front door key.
Anyway, social worker is calling this Friday at 10am. Haven't told him yet. Might be just better arriving down and telling him that morning, just in case he isn't there or slips out somewhere. The police told me that I can ring DVLI and tell them about my concerns regarding the driving. Going to wait to speak to social worker and take advice. Dads doctor as far as he is concerned has done his bit, he actually did nothing only tell dad he could refuse to go to the memory clinic. Had he just referred him, theres a good chance I could have persuaded dad to go. I've written to doctor twice with my concerns. Last letter was 3 pages long and posted recorded delivery to make sure he got it! So, doctor, police and social workers all know whats happening.
That's good that you are having the conversations about LPA. I briefly mentioned that to dad about a year ago, but he just pretended he didn't hear. If I brought it up again, it would in his mind confirm his fears, that I'm trying to take over, take his house etc and put him in a home. Hoping maybe social worker might bring this up at some point, though I could never see him agreeing.
The way I got my dad to go the doctor was - I told him he needed a check up which was standard for anyone over the age of 65. I told him that the doctor might strike him off for missing appointments as they are so busy and they couldn't have him wasting their time anymore. Said what if he does become sick and needs his doctor and doesn't have one etc. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Between myself and the receptionist, I think we wore him down. She sent letters and would ring and remind him about appointments. Even got his flu jab voluntarily as she asked him. She was more help than the doctor! I told him if all his tests were clear, then he wouldn't have to go back
Of course they are all clear. I think the only way of getting him to go to memory clinic is to use the car as a bargaining tool. Again, hoping the social worker will work with me on this.
Only catching up this morning here. Let me know how your mum is. Do you mind me asking what age she is? My dad is only 67 and speaks coherently, so people that don't know him don't realise the issues. They must just think he's a crazy man!
Your last point is how I feel to. I was so relieved the police took me seriously and got dad and brought him home. They really were brilliant at handling it.
Such a hard situation to deal with it all. I've absolutely no experience or know anyone with dementia, so this is all new to me. I've never really had a close relationship with my dad. He has been in and out of my life over the years. So its extra hard, trying to build up trust with him when he is so suspicious of everything. From not seeing him in 5 years and the odd time before that, to being on the phone every day and calling down twice a week, its no wonder he is wary. He told everyone about me taking his deeds. He visited his sisters minister and told him we were both conspiring to take everything on him. He has forgotten about all that for now. Every couple of weeks the cycle changes to another topic, or suspicion. He knows he has problems with his memory but puts it down to being retired and bored.
You couldn't have put it better about the car situation. Some people I have chatted to maybe felt I shouldn't be telling police about the car and that he drinks in the evenings etc. How do I know he won't take that car out and kill someone after a few drinks for the sake of getting milk or a pack of cigars!. I couldn't have that on my conscience. He has never drunk and drove in his life, but he may forget. Also for his own safety if he is forgetting where he has parked. I went down to see him last night with my usual roast dinners and he was out in the car. Haven't been able to get him on the phone, so the worry and sleepless nights continue. Used to always be able to get him on the phone and he would phone me loads, but getting more difficult to get him to switch the phone on. He usually puts the car keys in different places in his kitchen, so only a matter of time before he can't find them himself. He has already lost the front door key.
Anyway, social worker is calling this Friday at 10am. Haven't told him yet. Might be just better arriving down and telling him that morning, just in case he isn't there or slips out somewhere. The police told me that I can ring DVLI and tell them about my concerns regarding the driving. Going to wait to speak to social worker and take advice. Dads doctor as far as he is concerned has done his bit, he actually did nothing only tell dad he could refuse to go to the memory clinic. Had he just referred him, theres a good chance I could have persuaded dad to go. I've written to doctor twice with my concerns. Last letter was 3 pages long and posted recorded delivery to make sure he got it! So, doctor, police and social workers all know whats happening.
That's good that you are having the conversations about LPA. I briefly mentioned that to dad about a year ago, but he just pretended he didn't hear. If I brought it up again, it would in his mind confirm his fears, that I'm trying to take over, take his house etc and put him in a home. Hoping maybe social worker might bring this up at some point, though I could never see him agreeing.
The way I got my dad to go the doctor was - I told him he needed a check up which was standard for anyone over the age of 65. I told him that the doctor might strike him off for missing appointments as they are so busy and they couldn't have him wasting their time anymore. Said what if he does become sick and needs his doctor and doesn't have one etc. He bought it hook, line and sinker. Between myself and the receptionist, I think we wore him down. She sent letters and would ring and remind him about appointments. Even got his flu jab voluntarily as she asked him. She was more help than the doctor! I told him if all his tests were clear, then he wouldn't have to go back
Of course they are all clear. I think the only way of getting him to go to memory clinic is to use the car as a bargaining tool. Again, hoping the social worker will work with me on this. Only catching up this morning here. Let me know how your mum is. Do you mind me asking what age she is? My dad is only 67 and speaks coherently, so people that don't know him don't realise the issues. They must just think he's a crazy man!
Your last point is how I feel to. I was so relieved the police took me seriously and got dad and brought him home. They really were brilliant at handling it.
