Stabbed in the back?

[rubyblue3]

Hi there ,
Where to start? My mother, 88 with vascular dementia lives with me and my husband for the last 18 years and I am starting to feel it. I am now her full time carer having to give up work as a teacher. My sister lives 300 miles away and only sees our mother for 2 weeks a year. I assume this is when all the paperwork was done.
I recently discovered that theres an LPA registered for finances and a one for health. My sister is the only attorney on the LPA's and now has acces to a joint account I have with my mother. This news has led to a lot of friction bettween us and she has reported me to Social Services for not caring for mother properly. She hasn't been to see her mother either, not that concerned then?
I am really hurt that she has done thi and our relationship is strained but I will have to keep in contact for my mother's health and wellbeing.
Any words of wisdom for me please?
Much appreciated

 

[MaNaAk]

Welcome to the forum. Do you have carers
coming in as this might take some of the strain off you?

MaNaAk

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi there ,
Where to start? My mother, 88 with vascular dementia lives with me and my husband for the last 18 years and I am starting to feel it. I am now her full time carer having to give up work as a teacher. My sister lives 300 miles away and only sees our mother for 2 weeks a year. I assume this is when all the paperwork was done.
I recently discovered that theres an LPA registered for finances and a one for health. My sister is the only attorney on the LPA's and now has acces to a joint account I have with my mother. This news has led to a lot of friction bettween us and she has reported me to Social Services for not caring for mother properly. She hasn't been to see her mother either, not that concerned then?
I am really hurt that she has done thi and our relationship is strained but I will have to keep in contact for my mother's health and wellbeing.
Any words of wisdom for me please?
Much appreciated

Hi you asked a similar question a year ago regarding POA with your sister and had a lot of advice then. What has changed now with this situation? It sounds like you need some help perhaps with carers before the situation becomes overwhelming

 

[MartinWL]

Hi Riby, welcome to DT. I don't suppose this is particularly welcome information but your sister is quite right to have set up access to your mother's bank account as she is the sole attorney and as such she has a duty to manage your mother's finances. Without access to all her accounts she would be unable to carry out her responsibilities as attorney. You, unfortunately, have no control at all over your mother's finances and in theory you cannot buy her a tube of toothpaste with her money without your sister's consent. This is going to be a very difficult situation unless you can find a way of working harmoniously with your sister.
On the other hand I don't see how your sister can possibly make a complaint to anyone about your mother's care from hundreds of miles away without having visited, she cannot have first-hand knowledge of the situation and therefore won't be taken seriously.

If the home in which you live belongs to you and your husband you could ask your sister to pay rent on behalf of your mother, and also to pay for food and other consumables. That might bring her to the negotiating table.

Ideally you might make an agreement with your sister that she, your sister, sends you an agreed sum every month from your mother's account to cover food, and other household expenses relating to your mother. You would need to agree in detail what is included and what is not, e.g. are over-the-counter medicines included, are cosmetics and toiletries included, list everything. If your mother needs anything additional your sister has to arrange to pay for it. If you could get an agreement like that it might work. Is there a neutral member of the family who could mediate and broker a peace deal of that sort?

At the end of the day you are not the attorney and have no obligation to look after your mother, so you could put the ball in your sister's court and tell her that as your mother's attorney she was responsible, at least financially, and what arrangements was she going to make?

Do remember that your sister must act in your mother's interests, not your interests, so she does not have to do things in the way that suits you best, she must always put your mother first. If you think your sister is not, as attorney, managing your mother's finances in her best interests, you have a right to complain to the Office of the Public Guardian, but do gather clear evidence, not just opinion, before you do.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi Ruby,

I think it was pretty underhand of your sister to take control of your mum’s finances when she doesn’t have to shoulder the burden of caring for her. It’s very unfair on you. My dad made me his attorney and it was difficult enough to look after him without having to deal with an unhelpful sibling whose only interest was in protecting “our inheritance” (my brother’s words).

You have no legal obligation to look after your mum and, if your sister insists on making things stressful and difficult for you, perhaps you could mention to her that you think your mum would be better off in a carehome. You don’t have to mean it - just sound as though you do... Might make her sit up and think!

 

[Banjomansmate]

It sounds as though one of the first things you need to do is somehow separate your mother’s money from yours so that your sister can run an LPA account for your mother and have no access to your money. If the current joint account is for household expenses then you will have to bill her for the full costs of residential care.

How did your mother approve the LPA without you knowing anything about it if she was living with you? Did she have the capacity to grant it?

 

[MartinWL]

It sounds as though one of the first things you need to do is somehow separate your mother’s money from yours so that your sister can run an LPA account for your mother and have no access to your money. If the current joint account is for household expenses then you will have to bill her for the full costs of residential care.

That's a good and important point that I am afraid I had overlooked. Your mother's finances are managed by your sister but if your own personal money is in the same account the scope for confusion and opacity and bitter dispute is endless. You need to get an account of your own asap and get all your income put in it, then withdraw from the joint account. I think you can take out 50% but ask the bank for guidance on that. That will leave you with your account and mum with mum's account ( controlled by your sister) and a much clearer situation.
Your sister must authorise and make payments from your mother's funds for her keep. If she refuses your mother will starve so that would be a matter for the Office of the Public Guardian to deal with.

 

[MartinWL]

Hi Ruby,

I think it was pretty underhand of your sister to take control of your mum’s finances when she doesn’t have to shoulder the burden of caring for her. It’s very unfair on you.

I disagree. The sister is the sole attorney. As such she has a duty to take control of the mother's finances. The unfairness lies in the mother's decision only to appoint one daughter as attorney but that cannot be changed now.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I would do as @Bunpoots has suggested and tell your sister that you have had enough and either she looks after her or she is going into a care home and make sure she thinks that you mean it. Have a look round on the internet and make some enquiries then send the link to your sister and ask her to arrange it.

Yes you should definitely do that and remove your money from the account too.

 

[MartinWL]

You can try following the advice of @Duggies-girl and I agree it is worth a try, but unfortunately you can't put your mum in a care home without your sister's agreement. Your sister is the attorney and therefore in charge. You can ask your mother to leave your house but I don't suppose you would want to do that and I assume she doesn't have mental capacity for important decisions. An option might be to take your mum to your sister's house and leave her there. That might be difficult but you could do it - maybe the nuclear option.

A possible option might be an application to the court of protection for some sort of intervention by the court. You might need legal advice on that but first you could complain to the OPG that your sister is not acting in your mother's best interests by failing to put her in a care home which she needs. I am not sure if you can apply for deputyship if a valid LPA is in place, perhaps someone else will know that.

This really is a difficult situation in which you are doing all the work but your sister has all the power.