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Spending money on duplicate HiFi equipment

Pickalily

Registered User
Apr 21, 2014
10
My 87yr old husband (I'm 13 years younger) has mild cognitive impairment and vascular dementia, which at present, isn't too much of a problem except in certain areas. He spends a lot of time listening to music, sometimes via his laptop, record player, YouTube etc, etc. He has spent about £700 on headphones (2) one Bluetooth. and has bought 2 Bluetooth speakers at nearly £900 during the past year/18 months. Now he wants to buy another speaker (Bluetooth) which in all honesty he has no idea how to set up or how it even works - I have to do it. If he loses sound on laptop or Bluetooth connection I have to sort it, he has no idea what to do, He even forgets which item is Bluetooth and is surprised when it happens!! Luckily he is unable to comprehend online shopping and we cant go town shopping yet but when we do, I don't know how to stop him from buying yet another piece of equipment he doesn't need and cant, in all honesty work unless someone else sorts it. We do have separate bank accounts luckily.
If asked, I will refuse to buy online for him, but I'm afraid of the storm of anger I may get. When we eventually go shopping I'm hoping he will have forgotten his pin number as it hasn't been used for at least 4 months.
Before lockdown, if we shopped, we usually went different ways and met up later, now I'm not sure if that is safe. I send him off with a basic mobile phone, another thing he cant work, but at least it has my number on it. We live in a village so there are no shops for him to visit!!
I really don't know how to resolve this, but at least posting has got it off my chest. Thank you for reading
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Oh I remember this stage with OH, who has the symptoms of frontotemporal dementia, but is not yet diagnosed. It has now stopped, thank goodness, as he can no longer work out how to buy stuff on the internet and I think he too cannot remember his PIN.

I remember the rages when I tried to tell him he already had something, that we didnt need it, that it was too expensive, etc. He would turn on me and shout that I was treating him like a child, telling him what to do, taking him over etc. So I couldnt stop him, although I did manage to send a lot of stuff back and get a refund.

What I can help with, though, is what I did when he wanted me to buy something. I found that saying the word "no" was like a red rag to a bull, so I was advised not to say it. Instead, I should say "yes" and then, in the same sentence, come up with a jolly good "reason" why I couldnt.

For example, in your case, perhaps you need to check that what he wants is compatible with stuff he has already got ;). "yes, of course I'll do that - Ill just check that its compatible with your xxxxxx. You dont want to get it and then find you cant use it. Do you know where the manual is?" You might also take a while to find the manual, and then discover that its not compatible after all. ;););)
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
25
UK
My OH has been "collecting" CD's for the past few months. Today again 2 more arrived in the post. I see the credit card statement, that I deal with and pay, and there is a long list of payment on Paypal. The last few months he's been spending up to £600 a month on what I don't know. He spends all his time at home watching TV. When I ask him about the CD's he comments, they're not exactly expensive. No that true, some are only a few £ss each but, when there are deliveries of 2 or 3 every day for months it adds up. He has cupboard full of LP's, records and CD's that he never listens to!!

Last year parcels kept showing up which I eventually found four jackets stuffed in his wardrobe, all bright in colour, too small and of a cheap material. I think he had seen the jackets that Michael Portillo wears on his show and was trying to buy them off the internet. When I commented that he should send them back if they don't fit, he comments "they don't cost much"...


His other comment in reply is "well I get a pension", I then have to point out that there are bills to pay!!!!

The house needs decorating, the sheds are rotten and need replacing the leather of the sofa where he sits all the time is ruined but none of those things he sees. When I try and discuss these things with him he gets angry and comments "you've got another bee in your bonnet" with a smirk on his face.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Oh wow, @fromnz123 , yes Ive had the inappropriate eBay purchases too. Fortunately, he has now forgotten how to buy stuff using eBay. It sounds to me like he is losing the understanding of how finances actually work and can only see what he wants, when he wants it. Am I right in remembering that he has FTD? Because all his responses shout FTD to me. I think its probably time to start doing things without discussing it. Thats one of the hardest and loneliest times - when you realise that the way that you used to be able to talk things over with your partner, your soul-mate, is gone.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
653
I think it may be possible to get a credit card that has a limited amount on it - go over and it won't let you buy any more.

Could you "lose" the current card and reinstate another card, with a low credit limit in it's place? We "lost" my Mum's car keys when she could no longer drive (Dad still drove the care) in case she was tempted. I also had to "lose" some craft knives, much to Mummy's annoyance, when her understanding of risk disappeared.

We tried to help her retain her independence as long as possible (mixed dementia, now late stage) but there comes a time, for everyone's safety and peace of mind, where you have to step in. Mummy nagged me for a mobile phone. She wouldn't have had a clue what to do with it but saw that nearly everyone else had one. Even if I gave her an old phone, she was still asking endless questions about how it worked. We persevered for a while with a simple old phone and then this too "got lost". After a while she did lose interest.
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
25
UK
Oh wow, @fromnz123 , yes Ive had the inappropriate eBay purchases too. Fortunately, he has now forgotten how to buy stuff using eBay. It sounds to me like he is losing the understanding of how finances actually work and can only see what he wants, when he wants it. Am I right in remembering that he has FTD? Because all his responses shout FTD to me. I think its probably time to start doing things without discussing it. Thats one of the hardest and loneliest times - when you realise that the way that you used to be able to talk things over with your partner, your soul-mate, is gone.
Oh wow, @fromnz123 , yes Ive had the inappropriate eBay purchases too. Fortunately, he has now forgotten how to buy stuff using eBay. It sounds to me like he is losing the understanding of how finances actually work and can only see what he wants, when he wants it. Am I right in remembering that he has FTD? Because all his responses shout FTD to me. I think its probably time to start doing things without discussing it. Thats one of the hardest and loneliest times - when you realise that the way that you used to be able to talk things over with your partner, your soul-mate, is gone.
Hi Canary, although I’ve been to the gp on several occasions about my concerns he has not yet been assessed.
 

Pickalily

Registered User
Apr 21, 2014
10
Thank you everyone for your replies, it is such a help to know I am not alone. The best thing ever is that my husband has never bought anything online, he wouldn't know how to. He cant even google for what he might be interested so that really is a blessing.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,419
South of the Border
Recently, we have had a piano, 4 laptops, 8 children's head sets(purple) 2 mens watches, and 4 music books - I was waiting for the partridge in a pear tree!
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
867
Pratteln Switzerland
My Nick was a mechanical engineer by education and love of fixing things (he ended up an executive manager in telecoms) But we went thru a period where it was tools and electric drills - 7 of them. Yes, indeed we have seen it all.

If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the mor or nin.....
 

MalcW

Registered User
Jul 3, 2020
11
Hi
Been there, done that. 5 vacuum cleaners, 3 steam irons, 14 buckets and mops, and enough cherry compote to last the next 150 Shrove Turesdays.