Soul Carer

[SamanthaB]

I have just come across this site and wonder how people would deal with my situation.

I have always been the glue that kept our family together, as much as I could. My brother and I were both adopted in the 60s and our Dad always struggled with being a father and used to abuse us physically and mentally. My brother left home at 16, me at 18.

The childhood upbringing we had has left many mental scars. Our father passed away over a decade ago and it was a relief. Sadly my brother never built a relationship with our Mum, the pain was too much and last year he took his own life.

I am now the sole carer for my elderly Mum who has Alzheimer's. I feel so sad saying this but being with her makes me so upset. She never shed a tear when my brother passed away as she had decided he had left the family and that was that.

She has always lacked empathy and has never been a good Mum, it has always been me taking care of her, but losing my brother has changed me and I feel so angry with her and really want as little to do with her as possible. She always calls me her rock but I really do everything through gritted teeth. Does anyone else have to care for someone who has caused them so much pain?

 

[jennifer1967]

I have just come across this site and wonder how people would deal with my situation.

I have always been the glue that kept our family together, as much as I could. My brother and I were both adopted in the 60s and our Dad always struggled with being a father and used to abuse us physically and mentally. My brother left home at 16, me at 18.

The childhood upbringing we had has left many mental scars. Our father passed away over a decade ago and it was a relief. Sadly my brother never built a relationship with our Mum, the pain was too much and last year he took his own life.

I am now the sole carer for my elderly Mum who has Alzheimer's. I feel so sad saying this but being with her makes me so upset. She never shed a tear when my brother passed away as she had decided he had left the family and that was that.

She has always lacked empathy and has never been a good Mum, it has always been me taking care of her, but losing my brother has changed me and I feel so angry with her and really want as little to do with her as possible. She always calls me her rock but I really do everything through gritted teeth. Does anyone else have to care for someone who has caused them so much pain?

i helped to look after my mum not with dementia but breast cancer that had travelled to her lungs and brain so she had some of the same symptoms/behaviour of that with dementia. i wont go into details but she stood by my dad even when he went to solicitors after the police had charged him. she said she had no bond with me or maternal feelings for me either. she told me i was a mistake and thats how she treated me. i have a sister who was planned and treated as a very welcome baby. total favourite who got everything while i had to fight just for the basics to be provided for me. i only did it out of duty or im just naturally caring. she died at 57. i had the last laugh as where she is buried is now surrounded by a baby/ child resting place. i have nothing to do with my family. i know i would never care for my dad if he needed it. no feelings for him whatsoever. my sister can do what she likes. i dont want any inheritance either. shes welcome to it.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I have just come across this site and wonder how people would deal with my situation.

I have always been the glue that kept our family together, as much as I could. My brother and I were both adopted in the 60s and our Dad always struggled with being a father and used to abuse us physically and mentally. My brother left home at 16, me at 18.

The childhood upbringing we had has left many mental scars. Our father passed away over a decade ago and it was a relief. Sadly my brother never built a relationship with our Mum, the pain was too much and last year he took his own life.

I am now the sole carer for my elderly Mum who has Alzheimer's. I feel so sad saying this but being with her makes me so upset. She never shed a tear when my brother passed away as she had decided he had left the family and that was that.

She has always lacked empathy and has never been a good Mum, it has always been me taking care of her, but losing my brother has changed me and I feel so angry with her and really want as little to do with her as possible. She always calls me her rock but I really do everything through gritted teeth. Does anyone else have to care for someone who has caused them so much pain?

My mother in law was like this. She verbally and emotionally abused my husband and his sister throughout childhood and into adulthood . She was widowed young and expected her children to become her full time carers. She had a personality disorder way before the dementia diagnosis which only served to highlight the worst traits of her behaviour . Both my husband and his sister decided they would never under any circumstances be hands on carers for her ,even before the dementia became apparent . The daughter moved abroad and she had little contact with her mother. My mother in law was in her own home initially with carers , later going into full time care. My husband made sure she had the appropriate care ,out of a sense of duty. We both had as little to do with her as possible, putting down strict boundaries about what we helped with and when. My sister in law only appeared back in the UK when her mother died, hoping to get her inheritance

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Yes, much the same with my mum. She deteriorated for a few years, undiagnosed and all the issues fell to me. She lived a few hours away and I was only able to visit every couple of months (and that because my boyfriend guilted me into going there.) Then we turned up one day (as arranged!) and she wasn't in! A neighbour came out and told us she was in hospital so we dashed off there. She'd fallen getting off the bus, banged her head. Her dementia took such a dive that after a few months in hospital I moved her to a care home near me. She was eventually diagnosed 6 months later.

I visited twice a week for a year then once a week for the next two years until she died.

I can honestly say I hated each and every visit - mum was very difficult and dementia made her so much worse. It was horrible to watch and the whole experience has left me traumatised. My brother visted her three times in three years.

I did what I did because I'm her daughter and I felt a duty of care towards her. I learned it was pointless to be angry about all the past history because those things would never be resolved. Instead, I just got through it somehow, week by week. I could never have had her live with me or do any hands-on caring - that would have been way too much. My advice to you would be to stand back as much as you can and employ others to do the caring. We're not all cut out for a caring role (I am certainly not!) and not all of us have happy families.

 

[Shedrech]

Hello @SamanthaB
A warm welcome to DTP

I think your title says a great deal ... maybe you mean that you are the only one who provides support, but actually you need to think of caring for your own soul

My condolences on the death of your brother, such sadness for you

I appreciate that you may feel it's a duty to look after a parent; actually no adult has a legal duty to provide care for another, the duty of care for vulnerable adults lies with the Local Authority

Look into arranging for either home care visits or residential care for your mother, then tell the Local Authority you are going to step back and will not provide any hands on care ... choose for yourself whether you visit or not

You deserve to live your own life as you wish

 

[Lawson58]

I think it’s now only just being understood how much childhood traumas, physical and mental, impact people for the rest of their lives. It is like carrying the past around in a bag that is glued to you and no matter how much you try to ignore it, it bites you on the bum just to remind you that it’s still all there.

You didn’t ask for them to adopt you and perhaps we can only think that what they dreamed they were getting wasn’t the reality of being parents. You don’t owe anybody anything, except to yourself to do whatever is right for you. I have no idea of how awful it would be to care for your mum after the death of your brother and the manner of his death but I do think it’s time to take charge of your life, time to promise your brother that you will start living your life in a way that means something of value to you.

 

[RosettaT]

Hi @SamanthaB welcome to DTP.
It sounds as tho' you had a very difficult upbringing so I can understand where you are coming from.
What would you like to do?
You do not have to care for your mum, the ultimate responsibility lies with Social Services.
They will step back and let you get on with it, so if you really don't want to care for your mum you must be determined and draw a line in the sand. You have every right to do so as hard as that sounds.

 

[SamanthaB]

Reading all your comments has helped me more than you can, imagine, I don't feel as isolated dealing with this now. I have a carer coming in every day now and the lift of burden has been lifted and I am determined not to feel guilty. Ultimately I just want my Mum to be cared for but not by me. I will still see her several times a week, do her shopping, run errands etc but, I will not let everything that has gone in the past, I feel I owe it to my brother.

Thank you again for taking your time to reply to me, I really am grateful.

 

[SamanthaB]

Yes, much the same with my mum. She deteriorated for a few years, undiagnosed and all the issues fell to me. She lived a few hours away and I was only able to visit every couple of months (and that because my boyfriend guilted me into going there.) Then we turned up one day (as arranged!) and she wasn't in! A neighbour came out and told us she was in hospital so we dashed off there. She'd fallen getting off the bus, banged her head. Her dementia took such a dive that after a few months in hospital I moved her to a care home near me. She was eventually diagnosed 6 months later.

I visited twice a week for a year then once a week for the next two years until she died.

I can honestly say I hated each and every visit - mum was very difficult and dementia made her so much worse. It was horrible to watch and the whole experience has left me traumatised. My brother visted her three times in three years.

I did what I did because I'm her daughter and I felt a duty of care towards her. I learned it was pointless to be angry about all the past history because those things would never be resolved. Instead, I just got through it somehow, week by week. I could never have had her live with me or do any hands-on caring - that would have been way too much. My advice to you would be to stand back as much as you can and employ others to do the caring. We're not all cut out for a caring role (I am certainly not!) and not all of us have happy families.

This really resonated with me, thank you so much for your kind and insightful words x

 

[TNJJ]

Hi. I have and I am. My dad and I have never had a good relationship. He has VD. He is one of the most unpleasant and awkward person you could meet. Never wanted children etc. So I have some idea of your childhood. But I have got to know him and understand him better. But I have done things through gritted teeth too. I'm also an only child which doesn't help.
All I can say is set a limit of what you will and can do.Also set a time limit of how long you will care for her. It helps, believe me. If you can get carers in. That also helps.

 

[jellybean90]

Yes, much the same with my mum. She deteriorated for a few years, undiagnosed and all the issues fell to me. She lived a few hours away and I was only able to visit every couple of months (and that because my boyfriend guilted me into going there.) Then we turned up one day (as arranged!) and she wasn't in! A neighbour came out and told us she was in hospital so we dashed off there. She'd fallen getting off the bus, banged her head. Her dementia took such a dive that after a few months in hospital I moved her to a care home near me. She was eventually diagnosed 6 months later.

I visited twice a week for a year then once a week for the next two years until she died.

I can honestly say I hated each and every visit - mum was very difficult and dementia made her so much worse. It was horrible to watch and the whole experience has left me traumatised. My brother visted her three times in three years.

I did what I did because I'm her daughter and I felt a duty of care towards her. I learned it was pointless to be angry about all the past history because those things would never be resolved. Instead, I just got through it somehow, week by week. I could never have had her live with me or do any hands-on caring - that would have been way too much. My advice to you would be to stand back as much as you can and employ others to do the caring. We're not all cut out for a caring role (I am certainly not!) and not all of us have happy families.

I am in a similar position with my Gran; however I live closer and visit every week or so. This makes me feel a bit better as I struggle a lot with resentment and guilt over having "responsibility" of my Gran fall to me because she doesn't speak to her 2 kids (my mum and uncle) and my sister is too selfish to help out. I am not cut out to be a carer and as much as I love my Gran, I don't want to have to put my own life on hold or have my mental wellbeing go to pot. Good to know that it's a normal feeling as I've read so many stories of people on here caring 24/7 or at least some time every day for loved ones and I feel terrible for not wanting to do the same.

 

[Shedrech]

Hello @jellybean90
A warm welcome to DTP

You are a kind grandchild to be looking out for your Gran

It isn't, though, your responsibility.. the duty of care for a vulnerable adult lies with the Local Authority... your Gran is entitled to an assessment of her care needs by the LA Adult Services which would put a care plan in place eg home care visits, so you would know she is being monitored

You and your family may want to look into Lasting Powers of Attorney so someone has the legal authority to help her manage her affairs