Sorry to keep banging on about respite...


Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
I have now raised the fact that (a) I am going away for a week and (b) because he is fresh out of hospital I am arranging for him to be cared for professionally. This has brought about huge rows and scenes all evening - I feel like a piece of boiled string.
Debbie's guidelines on handling people with dementia went right out of the window as I tried to reason and be logical. Then tried saying he should humour me, because I really needed to do this and could not if he was not being properly looked after.
Went out to slimming class. He called me en route to ask who would look after the cats while he was away. Told him which neighbour had agreed to do it (for fourth time today).
Got home, found one ring of hob boiling away, with hopelessly overdone rice (had left written instructions re supper as slimming club was laying on end of term modest feast). Fish curry stone cold, everything untouched 2 hours after normal dinner time. He would not have eaten anything tonight if I had not noticed. Explained this was exactly why I wanted him properly looked after. Back to start of tape, with him saying he would be fine, me saying I could not go as would not be happy about it, him saying what about the cats, etc.
Tried appealing to better nature - look, I need to do this, please please do what I want for just one week. He agrees momentarily, then within minutes is back to the start of the tape yet again 'I don't want to go anywhere'. I lose it and start saying I have had a hell of a life for years, and it is not unreasonable to ask for him to do what I want for just one week. Round and round and round.
Had a carer's group meeting today, where respite was the one thing all of us yearned for.
He's going to that care home, even if I have to get the OPA to kick in and/or use manacles, or simply walk out and call social services. But why does it have to be so difficult, when I am doing all I can to keep him here? And I know there is no answer to that one.


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Oh Rosalind, I do so feel for you. Cannot comment about respite specifically, but that same scenario, where you go over and over the same ground, and all to no avail is so wearing.

You must feel demoralised when all you need is a short break to enable you to recharge, to allow you to carry on caring at home. It is not his fault he cannot accept your reasoning, that is the nature of the desease.

You must have your break, not quite sure how you achieve it. Can you not enlist the help of your SW or CPN?

Thinking of you, and sending a big {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}


Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
bit of an update

Hello. Went out this morning, and found myself weeping while driving home across Salisbury Plain. Got home, still tearful, and had a real howl all over husband. This seems to have stopped him in his tracks, and he says he will go into care home for a week. I said I should not have shouted at him, but also that it was getting to the stage where I just could not remember what we were like when we were happy together. This seemed to register, and while it is sweet of him to say he must 'concentrate more' obviously he can't really do that, but there is a glimmer of the person he used to be there still.

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