1. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Hi everyone

    Sorry to be such a pain but I have another question. As I've explained my mum went into care last Tuesday . I've been to see her twice and both visits were disastrous. My ds and dh went on Friday, I went Saturday and my uncle and cousin went yesterday.

    Aunt going tomorrow night but I can't face it today. Its doing neither of us any good. Is it really awful that she won't have any visitors today? Bearing in mind I used to see her everyday at home and twice most days when she was in hospital.

    I have visions of her sitting weeping because I'm not there .
  2. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Talk to the staff, my husband painted a horrific picture of his time in care, the carers told me different, not sure I believed them until I heard other residents pleased that Tom was joining them for lunch!

    Its early days, she is safe and cared for, please remember all the reasons that care became the only option.
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    You have to give her a chance to settle. Don't overload her with visits, it might just confuse her and make her realise she is not at home anymore. What does the staff say how she is while there are no visitors around? If she is happy enough when you are not around, I would scale back the visits for now. Give her a chance to find her bearings. I really don't think daily visits are necessary unless someone expects and looks forward to them. Get your own life back, you don't have to feel guilty about it. She is looked after by other people now.
  4. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    she's sitting back and not really interacting with the others yet. My mum wouldn't be great socially so this doesn't surprise me. As soon as I went in on Saturday she started shouting that she was going home. I couldn't distract her at all. I really wanted to get her in the car but I know she can't manage and if she came to my home I would have to give up work etc.

    Its awful
  5. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Think of it as a settling in period. Think back to nursery and how some kids settled straight away and others clung on to their parents and made a real fuss as they left and as soon as they saw them again. The inbetween time they generally didn't always totally engage for a while but as they settled they did eventually engage. There was always something that go them interested and happy eventually...... Until mum turned up and the distress came back. This is all a basic human trait.
    I would ring the care home and see what they say. I would imagine a day off from family or in fact several is probably a good thing and a calming thing for her and possibly something that would help you all.
    Thinking of you at this harsh time xxx
  6. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I gave up work to look after my mum and in hindsight it was the worst thing I ever did. Now she has gone into care and I have to get myself back into the workforce. Please give her time, it's only a week and don't visit her. She is ok and being cared for. You must give her a chance to settle without any family members being around. I know its hard but you must try to do this for your own sanity as well as for her. Once she is settled you can go as much as you like. It she never settles at least you will know you did everything you could to give her a chance. Good luck and try not to drive yourself mad with guilt!
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Hi Shark. You are NOT a pain. You are having a hard time.

    I'm sorry this is still so difficult for you. I was trying to think of something to say to you other than, it stinks, it's hard, and I'm sorry, but that is a start.

    I did have a thought; I think, if I remember correctly, that your mother was in hospital for a LONG time (months, right?) and that you visited her in hospital something like twice a day, every day. I'm sorry if I got that wrong.

    So I was thinking, you've been used to visiting her every day for a really long time, in a really stressful situation. Maybe you need to give not just your mum time to adjust, but also you time to adjust, to it being a new situation, and not an emergency. (I think a long hospital stay still feels "urgent" in a medical way if that makes sense.)

    I also think the suggestions here to ask the staff for information are good. Maybe it would help you if you rang the care home at regular intervals to get an update. I know I was shocked to hear that my mother was not only not upset, but participating in activities and NOT sitting alone in her room, which was what I had been imagining. Six weeks in, my mother is hardly ever alone in her room except when she's sleeping. This is a huge difference to when she was living on her own, pre-hospital and pre-care home, where she would go for days without seeing anyone (mind you, it's not what she would tell you was happening, but it's the truth).

    I'm not saying your mum is going to magically turn into a social butterfly, but I do think it's unlikely she is spending 24 hours a day, alone in her room, crying. You have to remember that she is not alone, there is staff there 24 hours a day as well as the other residents. She is safe, she is being cared for, she is getting regular meals, she's getting her medications on time and at the proper dosage. All of that is good.

    But the reason I suggested speaking to the staff for regular updates is that you're used to be on a "schedule" of visits with your mother, and now you're not doing that, so of course your routine feels upset, in addition to everything else that is going on. So updates from the care home could be part of your new routine, and would give you information, even if they don't immediately make you feel better.

    Hang in there and try to be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.
  8. Perdita

    Perdita Registered User

    Jun 22, 2009
    Suffolk, Uk
    Shark, I just have to tell you this, when my mum first went into the ch I brought her home to mine for Christmas Day, when I took her back that evening she said she wasn't going back in that awful place and tried to run away down the street into the dark.

    This upset me so much that I didn't sleep Christmas night and spent all day Boxing Day feeling thoroughly miserable until my brother rang and said he'd just visited the home and mum was laughing and singing and had eaten a good lunch.

    I'm not saying your Mum will be that settled that quickly but I'm sure you are more upset than she is at the moment :)
  9. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Hello Shark, firstly my heartfelt sympathies to you - when I moved my Mum into a nursing I had a panic attack in the corridor after saying 'bye on the first day and I cried solidly for 4 hours on getting back home - in terms of her care needs it was the only thing we could do but the utter, utter sadness that generated was without compare.

    I think the advice from Amy is spot on - it is a huge adjustment for you and you are carrying your own emotions and what you think your Mum is feeling and thinking too - that's an awful lot of pressure on you at a time when you are probably exhausted, physically and emotionally so please don't think you have to instantly adjust - I think a lot of people who have no experience of this situation think that once someone is in a home that's it, all sorted now - we know it's far from that but it doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing just that's it's not how we would wish things to be - but we can only deal with reality and the reality is 24 hour care is absolutely the right place for your Mum.

    Lastly please do remember that someone with dementia tends to live 'in the moment' - as others have said chances are your Mum is not sitting alone and thinking sad thoughts, she has the other residents and the staff around all the time and her day will be filled, getting up, washed, dressed, breakfast, activity, elevenses, lunch, etc. etc. she is warm and safe and you have done the right thing, but it is a hard, hard choice and a sadness.

    Stay positive Shark, big hugs.
  10. Deputypink

    Deputypink Registered User

    Aug 4, 2013
    This is a really hard time for you . I reinforce to you to just keep the dialogue open with the home . It will take at least a month for her to get to know the staff and visa versa -
    Remember she is safe and cared for - and you could not do that on your own - and if she is like my Dad - he would not have wanted me to sacrifice my life full time - he did not bring me up to do that . Keep going it does get easier ...
  11. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    I agree that you have to remind yourself of why she went into care in the first place - but it is so sad and I do empathise completely. My Mum went into CH in December so it's early days for us too. I go in every other day although I'm beginning to think maybe I need to give Mum space (and have some myself, like Amy says, both of us need to adjust). I went yday and Mum was paranoid and psychotic and it was a very bad day...but other days she's very happy and we've had laughs and giggles and cuddles, which had virtually disappeared over the past 3 years when she was abusive so that's been a lovely turnaround. I think our relatives react upon seeing us for whatever complex reason the dementia creates in their minds and we must remember that what we are feeling and suffering is not what they are, as the disease changes and distorts everything sadly. At least our Mums are being fed, cared for, have company and options to take part in games and activities - it's a lot more than I could ever give my Mum at home. With ref to you thinking your Mum is weeping when you're not there, I thought same of my Mum but I think it's just a vision they sometimes leave us with, like the toddler at the nursery, because when I'm gone I know she chats to staff and enjoys herself when possible. xx
  12. marsaday

    marsaday Registered User

    Mar 2, 2012
    Hi Again Shark,

    This is the hardest thing. Terrible terrible stage. But we have all been through it.
    My Mum went into care earlier than we would have liked and consequently was unsettled. I always tried to bring mum out for little trips as she was used to that so some of the problems I had were:

    She ran away as i tried to bring her back to the home

    She refused to get out of the car and we were both crying as the carer tried to help.

    She regularly shook her fist at me as I arrived.

    But no-one else, ie, my brothers, got this behaviour.

    TBH these problems persisted until mum got very much physically worse and now that she's 'Late' stage there's no longer any trouble. Sad but true. Though I wouldn't go back to those days for all the money in the world!!

    Hang in there. There is no alternative and does it seems unfair that some accept it better than others. I would try to stay away for a while if I were you. It can do no harm can it?
  13. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Hi everyone, a wee update.
    Visited today and she didn't hate me or shout, although she still wants to go home. Still isn't sitting in the group but she waved over to one of the ladies and she waved back :) it's amazing what little things make you feel better! Everyone else who's been has said she's okay and I know it's because I'm her daughter that I'm getting the grief. Hopefully it will continue to improve .

    Just want to thank you all for talking the Time to reply. :)
  14. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Ahhh, thanks for the update shark and so good that it's positive! You're right, the littlest thing can much such a difference - seeing our LO smile, interact with others or just be content rather than unhappy makes such a huge difference - makes your heart sing and lifts your spirits. So glad for both of you that your Mum is at least at little more settled. :)
  15. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East

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