1. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    I don't know how to cope with today. Next week my mum goes into hospital for her very big operation and as it's her only chance we have to take it. Her recovery will be a few months at least. Today dad goes to his new home, for how long we don't know. Last week i was on here telling you we'd found a 'nice' care home for dad, as we don't now feel we have any choice for his care. I know it is the right thing to do but when i see dad's fear and pain i feel utterly desperate and empty. My mum, sister and i have been coping but i think the hardest parts are to come. For him, his cosy world has gone, his driving, his wife and his home! It's hard enough when you understand fully but it must be harder for dad not understanding why all this is happening. we just keep reassuring him that it will all still be there for when he comes home.
    No doubt we will make it through today and do our best. I've done him a lovely photo board and got him a new tv!!! Don't think either will soften the blow for him
    Thanks for being there and listening X
  2. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    That's not a moan Jane. That's you expressing your anxiety, and feelings for your parents who you love to bits. I am sure your mum's op. will go well.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Jane, you don`t know how you will cope, but you will. That`s the srtength of human nature.

    It never fails to amaze me how people get through traumas in life. We are face with ordeals and what do we do? We don`t run away.

    You are there for both parents, no one can ask for more.

    I hope you feel someone is there for you.

    Take care.

  4. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Dear Jane,
    It is heartbreaking to see our loved ones (in this case your Dad) bewildered and confused and unsure why his world seems to be falling apart. You are doing the only things you can - planning to reduce his stresses in the best way you can, and constantly reassuring him of your love and ongoing support.

    In your case your situation is made more difficult by your added concern about your Mum's major surgery. To have both your parents in difficult situations at the one time is an enormous challenge - and no wonder you are finding it hard.

    I too think you are doing a great job. TP can send you cyber hugs for support - so here are a few to keep you going!! ;)

  5. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    Dear Jane

    My thoughts are with you too and I do know how you feel because I have both parents in a very poor way and it is so difficult to handle when one has to go to hospital and the other has to be accommodated. It sounds as though you are doing so much to try and make it right, I loved the idea of the photoboard because that will give your Dad something familiar and reassuring to look at when all else around is rather new and strange.

    I shall be thinking of you .....
  6. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    Photoboards are good. Having the odd photo up of our-self and children has convinced my wife that she is home when she has doubted me.
    photos must bring reassurance to them.
  7. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    Update and more bad news!

    What a week, as horrendous weeks goes this one is top so far! My mum who is dads main carer, had her op this week to treat pancreatic cancer. It was far worse than they thought and when they got in there, surgery wasn't possible. we have to wait until next week to ask all the very difficult question, the obvious one being about time for my lovely mum.
    Dad knows and understands about her op and sees her again for the 1st time today, post op. He doesn't know of the other news and quite honestly i don't know how we are going to tell him. He has spent 11 days in the home and has admitted to not quite hating it! he's very frightened by the other clients and his confidence is slipping. He is eating but still losing weight, although i think that's just anxeity. We have taken him out to give him a break but each time now he just wants to get back as he thinks he'll be locked out, I think this is quite common.
    The issues on both their care are going to be difficult and i know as soon as mum comes home he is going to want to be there too. I feel guilty for being realistic about the possibility of this not happening for mums sake. The rest of her time should be hers, she's exhausted and lived with dads illness silently for so long.
    I feel so helpless for both of them
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Jane,
    What sad news........... so much to cope with...........I can only sympathize.

    One thing I can see, as an outsider, is your dad must be relatively comfortable in the home, if he is anxious to return, when you take him out. If he was unhappy there, I`m sure he would resist going back.

    Is it conceivable to allow your dad to stay in the home, at least until you know how much time you will need for your mother.

    I know you cannot make any plans until you have the extent of your mother`s cancer explained in full, and cliche or not, you can only take one day at a time.

    Take care of yourself.

    Love xx
  9. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Hi Jane
    I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through and pray that you will find the strength to get through it.

    Are there any care homes near you that take terminally ill patients (I assume as they coldn't operate on your mum that the outcome is not good?) as well as dementia patients that way they could be looked after in the same environment?

    In mum's home that she has just gone to she has an old school friend who sufferred from a severe stroke more than 10 years ago and was looked after faithfully by her husband at home for at least 8 of these years - he however developed AD and is now worse than she is. They are both staying in rooms next to each other in the home which I think is lovely and both their needs being cared for. Their family gets to visit them both at the same time and although they can no longer look after each other they are still able to visit with each other (albeit it restricted communication from both of them).

    Please keep us all posted in how you are doing - I am sure everyone here will be thinking of you and knowing what you are going through.
  10. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Just to say I'm thinking of you at this difficult time.
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Jane

    I'm so sorry to hear your news. You must be in a complete whirl, not knowing what to do next.

    It does sound as if your dad is settled in his NH, and I think you should make arrangements for him to stay there for the foreseeable future. You are going to want to give your mum all your attention for as long as she has left, and you really can't cope with both.

    At least you know that your dad is safe and well looked after, so you can defer any decisions about him for a while. Just give yourself a breathing space.

    You have all my sympathy, Jane. Let us know how it goes.

  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #12 Margarita, May 27, 2007
    Last edited: May 27, 2007
    I am so sorry to read what is happening with your mother.
    what a shock this must be for you, I do feel for you , it must be so hard to know what to do for the best .

    when you say
    try hard not to feel guilty for being realistic , because in being realistic your looking after both your parents heath for the best , can only imagine how hard that is going to be for you & hope you have someone that can lend you they shoulder when you need support, beside us all on TP xx
  13. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Dear Jane

    Life just isn't fair sometimes, I feel so very sorry for each and every one of you.

    Perhaps you should be guided by your Mum's wishes at the moment, she has to be the priority for now, it is so sad.

    Your Dad, by wanting to go back to the home, shows he is adjusting to living there.

    Does he have to know your Mum is back home or could you maybe say the hospital has let her out just to visit him?

    Maybe that sounds silly, but it might be the easier way to get him used to the idea that he must stay where he is a bit longer.

    Thinking of you all, keep taking care of each other.

  14. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Dear Jane,

    I'm so sorry for all you are going through. My best friend's mum had cancer and I tried to support her through that. Now my dad has AD she is supporting me. I cannot imagine what it must be lke for you going through all this at the same time.

    Please know that we are all here to support you.

    Sue xx
  15. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    You poor dear thing! How awful for you and your family. I do think you can make no decisions until you know more about your Mum's situation, but I agree with Elspeth that the possibility of a home that will take both of them might be an option worth exploring. Sending you the best of caring wishes.
  16. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Jane
    I am sorry to hear that you are having to go through so much. I myself are in a similiar boat and it seems at times that the current is against you all the way.Your love for your parents will keep you strong, along with the knowledge that you are doing your very best for both of them.Take Care Jane.

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