Sorry, but you can’t drive anymore.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Thethirdmrsc, Nov 7, 2019.

  1. Thethirdmrsc

    Thethirdmrsc Registered User

    Apr 4, 2018
    70
    Hi, does anyone have any tips on how to broach the taking away of the driving licence?
    My OH had his HGV revoked on diagnosis 2 yrs ago, which he has not forgotten funnily enough, and we saw the consultant last month which coincided with his renewal of his drivers licence. Maybe it was they way he answered some questions, but I didn’t see this coming, that it got refused.
    His son is coming over tomorrow night and we will both tell him, but it’s not going to go well.
    It is for the best, and better now than an accident happening, but I know that I am not going to deal with his behaviour.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    5,015
    N Ireland
    Hello @Thethirdmrsc, this is a thorny subject that is often discussed. The Society have a Factsheet with information and advice and that can be read by clicking the 2nd line of the following link
    Driving and dementia (439)
    PDF printable version

    Beyond that, you may be able to find some old threads with peoples experiences detailed if you use the search facility (see the top of the page)

    Good luck. I had a bit of difficulty with my wife but she did accept it in the end.
     
  3. Thethirdmrsc

    Thethirdmrsc Registered User

    Apr 4, 2018
    70
    Thanks Pete.
     
  4. Lirene

    Lirene Registered User

    Sep 15, 2019
    108
    If you are worried you must act now ! My husband actually had a crash, into a car parked outside the owners house. He was extremely lucky no one was injured and neither was he, although he was extremely shocked and shaken. Owners car written off, our car had 6k worth of damage.
    I thank God no one was hurt or worse, an extremely tough lesson to learn-he never drove again and voluntarily cancelled licence. Love and hugs xx
     
  5. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    912
    Male
    North West
    Just do it. My dad couldn't fill in the forms to take away mums driving licence, he didn't have the heart to do it, so I did it. Mum could drive the car but kept on getting lost and we had to go and find her and save her a few times before I said that it was enough. There was backlash from mum, she was furious but thats the way it is
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,271
    Female
    Chester
    I took the car keys off mum. She had got lost driving from her house to mine (just outside London to chester) and we had to rescue her from Derby. She kept saying at least I didn't go on the wrong side of the dual carriageway for a few days afterwards, so I am convinced she nearly did.

    I hadn't realised what dementia was and had nightmares for weeks that a few months earlier she had had my 8 year old son in the car when clearly not safe to drive (with hindsight and a knowledge of dementia I could see she wasn't safe to drive)
     
  7. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    996
    Colchester
    My husband had a couple of nasty near misses and one very dangerous maneuver and I knew he had to stop driving. He had always done most of the driving. I took him to the doctors surgery and we saw the doctor that knew about his dementia and what was happening and knew my husband very well. She told him that he must not drive anymore. My husband said nothing. For the next year, it was hell. He shouted at me that he should be driving. He would try to get out of the moving car. He would open the door whilst we were moving. He would undo his seat belt and set the alarm off. Eventually he went quiet and let me drive but is was misery for me. I didn't even want to drive. If you know that he should not drive you need to be straight with him and wait to take the miserable consequences. It will eventually settle but it is not easy. Just another miserable symptom of Dementia. But you do not want to be in an awful accident. Good luck. xx
     
  8. Peachez

    Peachez Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    125
    Female
    South East England
    make sure you know where the car keys are first - my FIL had copies made and had hidden them... 6 in all. We took to leaving chalk marks on the tyres so we could tell if he'd moved the car between our visits...
     
  9. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,356
    Female
    South of the Border
    We live in a remote village. I gave up driving a few years ago because of sight problems.

    So, the thought of him losing his license was fairly catastrophic for us, limiting our mobility completely.

    However, when the doctor said this had to happen, and the forms came from the DVLA my OH was adamant that he was fit to drive.

    The completely, easiest way of dealing with this situation is to BLAME SOMEONE ELSE - the Dr, the DVLA, anyone apart from yourself.

    My OH was a coach driver - so think how many lives were at risk.

    A few years down the line, and recently he went out and bought a pedal bike from someone advertising in the village - I did not know he was doing this - but it shows he does not grasp that he is not safe on the road. Fortunately, every road out of the village is up a steep hill, so he is contained within the very local area.......

    Good Luck
     
  10. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    463
    On the Blame Someone else tack....
    My Dad (not actually diagnosed but some memory and cognitive loss) had two near misses and his car was written off in an accident. I said to him, unless you can deal with all the other loonies on the road these days (a very popular rant with him) then perhaps you should give up. Funnily enough the decision was easier because of this. He avoids the anxiety and stress of dealing with everyone elses terrible driving and we don't refer to his ability (or otherwise) to drive.

    It was the right thing to do as he only drive in daylight, certain routes, in good weather......the list of things he struggled with grew and it just wasn't practical or safe any more.
     
  11. Weasell

    Weasell Registered User

    Oct 21, 2019
    11
    We sent the driving licence back to the DVLA with a note requesting it was cancelled with great ceremony. (In the five minute window she agreed to it) .The problem was that next year when she needed it as identification it was gone! and no passport!
    So don’t make my mistake!
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,712
    Female
    South coast
    This is, IMO the best way.
    Get rid of the care too - It needs repairs and is in the garage ;););)
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,712
    Female
    South coast
    There are always round the lack of identification - my driving license is the old paper type without a photo and I dont have a passport. Usually a bus pass is acceptable
     
  14. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,772
    Female
    I'm wondering what she needed the ID for? My mother (now in a care home) can't drive so has no licence, and she hasn't got a passport or a bus pass. So no photo ID, the best I could offer would be a letter from the DWP. Fortunately I've never been asked to provide ID for her.
     
  15. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,356
    Female
    South of the Border
    A upload_2019-11-8_11-24-16.png Citizen's Card will often do as ID
     
  16. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    184
    Male
    Hi All, I just told Mum that our Dr had written to the DVLA and cancelled her licence - she said 'the swine!' but at that stage I think she was quite conscious of her own limitations (she had started to have physical difficulties getting in an out of the car) - so as @canary said I got rid of the car the next day as I couldn't risk her going out in the car and having an accident where she or others were at risk. Later on when she asked 'whatever happened to my little car?' I just used to tell her it failed the MOT so we had to sell it.

    Where I live there was a heartbreaking and tragic incident a few years ago now of an elderly driver that the police had applied to have his licence revoked as they deemed him unfit following an 'incident', he carried on driving whilst the DVLA were processing the application (I believe now the ban is immediate although not sure that would have stopped him) and a week later got confused of the road layout in the Town Centre and actually mounted the pavement killing a teenage girl. This was the main reason I acted as I did with Mum's car.
     
  17. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,271
    Female
    Chester

    I was conscious of these sort of incidents when I took mum's keys. She didn't understand and was very cross about it. She thought she'd be ok driving locally as she'd only got lost on a long journey.

    We also discovered that she hadn't renewed her car insurance 9 months earlier and was facing prosecution for this, she hadn't opened the letter - we found it going through unopened post. She had tried to renew it but they no longer took cheques and she no longer understood how to fill out the card details on the renewal (she had been filling out the card details for years) She wouldn't renew over the phone as she was convinced giving out the 3 digit security code was a way to permanently access her bank account.

    I couldn't have it on my conscience that I had let her continue to drive if she had injured or killed someone else. Her spatial awareness was gone and she could no longer judge speed or distance. Her car had multiple small scrapes classic for dementia sufferers.

    It was hard dealing with her crossness, I was just very firm. I think she took it out on my daughter when I wasn't there. I knew she would badger my daughter for the keys, and my OH and hid them from everyone.
     
  18. MrsV

    MrsV Registered User

    Apr 16, 2018
    105
    Hi there,
    After failing memory tests miserably they suggested Mum surrenders her driving license.
    We told Mum once you turn 80th they take it off you, you're too old. We took the car keys and my husband disconnected something under the bonnet to be sure she couldn't drive it. then we told her it was broken and we sold it.
     
  19. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    353
    In my town today, there is a PWD missing from his home for 2 weeks now. The family has even put out a reward. He just got in his truck and drove off. Hasn't been seen since October 27.
    A co-worker's mom also drove off one day. They found her car along a major highway in another state out of fuel. No sign of her mom. Much searching and heartache ensued. They later found her "okay" in a house under construction in a neighboring town.
    PWD getting lost and disappearing for days or harming themselves and others in an accident is the impetus in having these, not licenses, because that's just a piece of paper, but the keys and the car removed.
     
  20. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    514
    Female
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    These are things that PWDs don't realise when they say they are ok to drive. It's hard having to be the bad guy and take away their keys, cars or licences. But we have to do it for their own sakes.
     

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