Sometimes I wonder what I want

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by twinklestar, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. twinklestar

    twinklestar Registered User

    Sep 14, 2014
    It is four and a half months since my mother died. I have had a couple of days of work with a cold. I physically did not feel like doing much so I sat under a blanket on the sofa watching TV and, of course, thinking.

    The nursing home where my mother died had a summer fair in July. My brother went along to see everyone but I was unable to go so I went a few weeks later just to see everyone - residents, staff and relatives. After initial greetings from staff and a quick chat with some relatives there was nothing else to say. The residents I spoke to did not seem to remember me. It was a strange feeling walking away from somewhere that had been an integral part of my life for twelve months.

    I have a lovely photo on my phone of my mum which I took at her last birthday in the home. I had it as wallpaper on my phone. Today I removed it as wallpaper. I now have a print of it next to my bed.

    It is true what they say - you have good days and you have bad days. Here is where I am today. In theory I can go anywhere, do anything with whoever I choose. The questions is - will I? I feel stuck. I feel apathetic. To be honest I don't know what I want. I continually say a prayer for guidance because I know the Lord has a plan for me.
  2. Crunchy

    Crunchy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2016
    Sounds like you've lost your twinkle today little Star, have a virtual hug x

    I know what you mean about the Care Home being such a big part of your life, then suddenly you never go again and are forgotten. I work in a hospital, where I see lots of patients every day, and occasionally someone will remind me that I saw them ages ago or thank me for being kind, and I usually can't remember them at all. We have to remember that care homes are a workplace, you can have a professional and really caring relationship with someone but then you move on to the next one, but you still care deeply at the time you're with them.

    Feeling apathetic and unmotivated sometimes is all part of the grieving process I think. There's a gaping hole in the jigsaw of life, and it's hard to readjust the pieces to make the picture make any sort of sense sometimes, death is the hardest thing to really understand, it's seven months since my father died, and I still haven't completely come to terms with it.
    Hope you feel better soon x
  3. twinklestar

    twinklestar Registered User

    Sep 14, 2014

    Thank you so much for your lovely post.

    I sit here typing and I look to my right and I see a photo of my mother I keep by my bed. It was taken at the home on her 91st birthday and it means the world to me. I did have it as the wallpaper on my phone but as part of moving on I had the photo printed out. I now have a different picture as my wallpaper on my phone.

    I have never had a life plan. Some people have a plan for everything and I am not talking about being organised. I try to be organised in my everyday life but I never planned my career or what I wanted to do with my life. Since mum's death I am free to do what I want and to be honest that scares the heck out of me because I simply don't know what to do.

    As part of trying to plan for my future I was sorting out some stuff for my pensions and realised that I am currently entitled to receive my pension in 10 years. I have to say that that gave me a shock. I met people like I now am when I joined the NHS 25 years ago and they were always whinging about cannot wait to retire. I imagined them crossing off the days on their calendar. I don't want to be like that despite some days feeling like that.

    Being a carer has altered me. I am not the same person I was when I started being a carer so I cannot be expected to carry on where I left off hence the need for a new mission.

    I am lucky in a way that when I returned to work after mum died I went back to a new job, new boss, new office, etc. so I suppose there is change to work on there. Next week I am on leave and am away for four days on my own for the first time in years. That will feel strange. In March next year we will put the house we have always lived in on the market and I will move into the first house of my own and on my own. The biggest change of all. So in some ways I think a sense of purpose will come.

    I have just come to the conclusion that whilst I do not have a plan I just need to open to new opportunities and that must be a good thing.

    Thank you so much for reading this.
  4. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    Crunchy is right I think to suggest you are still grieving. Four months is not long and you are grieving not just your Mum but your caring role which has been such a big part of your life, and just having someone fading so slowly over the years is hard. You can't bounce back and be happy about the future until you grieve for the past and adjust to your new reality. So be gentle and kind to yourself. Sofa sitting and thinking and doing nothing very much and feeling apathetic may be where you are right now and that's OK. With some new things on the horizon, it does sound like you will get there and start to feel better and find joy in life again as I am sure your Mum would want you to do. Sounds like your getting there in your own way and in your own time twinklestar. Hold on to that faith and God Bless xxx

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