It is four and a half months since my mother died. I have had a couple of days of work with a cold. I physically did not feel like doing much so I sat under a blanket on the sofa watching TV and, of course, thinking. The nursing home where my mother died had a summer fair in July. My brother went along to see everyone but I was unable to go so I went a few weeks later just to see everyone - residents, staff and relatives. After initial greetings from staff and a quick chat with some relatives there was nothing else to say. The residents I spoke to did not seem to remember me. It was a strange feeling walking away from somewhere that had been an integral part of my life for twelve months. I have a lovely photo on my phone of my mum which I took at her last birthday in the home. I had it as wallpaper on my phone. Today I removed it as wallpaper. I now have a print of it next to my bed. It is true what they say - you have good days and you have bad days. Here is where I am today. In theory I can go anywhere, do anything with whoever I choose. The questions is - will I? I feel stuck. I feel apathetic. To be honest I don't know what I want. I continually say a prayer for guidance because I know the Lord has a plan for me.