Sometimes I just want to give up

[jenniferjean]

Last March we sold our home in South Wales in order to move to be nearer my daughter in England, as she worried about me being able to cope with my husband when things got worse. It was hard having to deal with the sale on my own, it was quite stressful as it took over a year.

So when we moved I organised renting a property as I needed time to find the right place to buy which I couldn't organise from South Wales.

We couldn't buy a house here as prices here are a lot more than in South Wales. At last I found a flat in September and had an offer accepted. My husband is struggling with the stairs now so a flat seemed a good idea. All this I have done alone. My husband liked the flat and especially liked the location. I particularly liked the location as it was near to where we are living now and there would be no need to change doctor again.

We also needed to update our wills although I've only been able to update mine as my husband had to have an assessment because of his alzheimers, and he failed the assessment. Now because of this the solicitor has suggested my daughter (who also has poa for my husband) signs for the purchase of the flat on his behalf.

I've agreed to this although I thought it wasn't necessary. He is quite aware that we are moving and said he was looking forward to moving to the flat. That was then.

Just to prove I was right in saying he was capable of making this decision, I've just asked him outright if he is happy at moving. He said yes. I said "so you are happy at buying the flat?" He said "I don't want to buy a flat".

I just left the room and cried.

 

[maryjoan]

Every morning, I stand in the shower, and say to myself " I can do this day!" and every evening I wonder if I actually did
It is horrid to live each day the way we carers have to, the uncertainty, the awfulness of it all .....

 

[canary]

I think, @jenniferjean that you have reached the stage where you are going to have to make decisions on your husbands behalf, even if he says he doesnt want them. All too often, if you ask someone with dementia if they want something (even if you know it is something that they would like) the default answer is no. There comes a time when needs trumps wants and I think you have reached it.

I think you have come too far now and will just have to go ahead with the move, despite what he says. Get your daughter to sign as POA and then deal with getting him settled in.

Good luck xxx

 

[karaokePete]

These things can be very hard.

Prior to my wife developing dementia we had a plan to spend the winters of our twilight years in Cyprus so we weren't putting any money into the refurbishment of our apartment in NI. When dementia arrived I decided to move the refurbishment forward so that my wife could enjoy and get used to the new kitchen etc., before she totally disappeared into dementia. She broke my heart every step of the way so I more or less got to the stage where I involved her as little as possible by just showing her the results of my decisions - and even that is exasperating!

A typical example was when we were getting the kitchen done. Due to my wife's tendency to let taps overflow and drop things, I ordered wood effect pvc tiles for the floor to match the wood we were laying elsewhere. As soon as the tiles arrived she insisted that they would have to be returned because they were pink. She broke my heart on this single point for the 3 weeks until the kitchen was finished, when she walked into it and announced how lovely the floor was as it looked so much like real wood. "So it's not pink then?" says I. "Don't be daft, of course it's not pink", says she. As for the finished kitchen, one day she loves it and the next day it needs to be ripped out. My PWD can neither see things as they are nor make decisions anymore. It's a sad reality that increases the burden on us carers.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @jenniferjean
to my mind, this move is to make life easier for you, and so easier for your husband
if YOU like the flat and its location and you will feel comfortable there, that is key - you being settled and more at ease, will lessen the stresses on you and allow you to focus on your lives together
your husband gave his agreement and said he liked the flat, so take that as all the permission you need and let your daughter act for him, following his earlier agreement/instructions - she will be glad to be able to take on this responsibility to support you both and it provides a reason for her to become more involved in your lives, so hopefully see more of her
you have done so well over the last year - take this step and you will have the security of being in your own property and peace of mind from having all this 'stuff' sorted out so you can breath more easily again

 

[Grannie G]

Yes @jenniferjean I agree you are at the stage where you will have to make the decisions.

We relocated even before my husband was diagnosed, to be nearer our son and by the seaside. My husband agreed to the move and looked forward to it.

A few months after we moved into our new home my husband decided he wanted to return to our previous area. He was being treated for depression and so I gave in and put our new home up for sale.

We sold our home twice and each time my husband backed out at the last minute, thus disappointing two prospective buyers and making me realise he could no longer be relied on to make a decision.

It`s a devastating awakening but has to be faced.

 

[jenniferjean]

I think, @jenniferjean that you have reached the stage where you are going to have to make decisions on your husbands behalf

I realise that and have been doing so with regards to most things. It's just that I've found all this responsibility so hard to cope with and I think when I questioned him I was just looking for confirmation that I was doing the right thing. That's why his answer hurt so much.
Even my daughter is not sure I'm doing the right thing, because the flat only has 68 years left on the lease. Well I'm sorry but that will do me. If I get the chance to extend the lease and can afford it then I will, but at the moment I just want to settle.
Thank Heavens for TP. Thank you all for your imput I do appreciate it. Without you I feel so alone.

 

[Sirena]

It's sad when you can't even get that simple confirmation. The truth is, they just don't know what they think even on the simplest issues. When my mother was still having care at home I was ordering the food for her Christmas dinner. "I don't like sprouts" she said, so I didn't get any. When I spoke to her a couple of days later and confirmed no sprouts she said "oh but I like sprouts!" I realised there was no point asking if she'd like to move to a care home as I'd get a different answer four times a day. You end up having to make every decision without input or appreciation, it does make you feel alone. I hope once you get to the flat your husband settles well.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Jenniferjean,

Sorry you are upset this morning. I can well understand why. I am in exactly the same position as you. Moved over 200 miles north, in rented accommodation, but cannot find the "right" place to buy. Something for both of us at present but will suit me when I am alone. I think if my husband was able to put in some type of opinion we might have chosen something earlier but I tend to over think every property. I am hoping that when I find somewhere we will be able to buy it as tenants in common (as we always have). Sense says that the proceeds from the sale are sitting there to be used for another joint purchase and it is not as if you are spending every penny of your savings on a 6 bedroom mansion for goodness sake.

I was interested to read about the solicitor not being able to change your OH's Will. We changed ours last year before our house sale. I insisted the solicitor consider capacity and he just asked OH if he agreed with the Will change as I explained it on the day. What sort of assessment did your OH have? Surely unnecessary as you know what his diagnosis is. Who is a solicitor to make an assessment? If someone has capacity at the moment of signing that should be enough, especially in straight forward husband/wife, one marriage cases. Luckily I have found "host" mode kicks in on these occasions and OH wants to please. It can be a different story at home.

I agree with what others have said if the solicitor wants to continue with your daughter as poa it should not inconvenience you too much and at least you will begin to get settled and make it your home. I dare say like me you still have unpacked boxes and pictures hanging around. Afraid we have to bite the bullet and make all the decisions now. Hopefully once you have moved in he will say something along the lines of "It's nice here". That is about all you can hope for.

 

[jenniferjean]

I was interested to read about the solicitor not being able to change your OH's Will. We changed ours last year before our house sale. I insisted the solicitor consider capacity and he just asked OH if he agreed with the Will change as I explained it on the day. What sort of assessment did your OH have? Surely unnecessary as you know what his diagnosis is. Who is a solicitor to make an assessment?

It wasn't the solicitor who did the assessment. It was a Testamentary Capacity Assessment done by a consultant in mental capacity. I wasn't allowed to be in on it so had to leave the room. However, I could hear most of what was said. I heard her explain the changes from his previous will in great detail. He said he understood and agreed, as he would in host mode. However, when asked he could not repeat what she had said and reverted back to his previous will.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Well you learn something every day. Have never heard of such a person. Not sure how many people with dementia would be able to repeat back, especially if there was great detail.

 

[Lawson58]

Well you learn something every day. Have never heard of such a person. Not sure how many people with dementia would be able to repeat back, especially if there was great detail.

Which surely indicates lack of capacity.

 

[rhubarbtree]

I thought capacity meant understanding at the exact moment but I am happy to be corrected.

 

[jugglingmum]

I thought capacity meant understanding at the exact moment but I am happy to be corrected.

That was my understanding as well.

 

[Shedrech]

it's my understanding that if a solicitor or any professional involved in drawing up a will or organising LPAs has doubts about the capacity of their client, thay are duty bound not to proceed
it's often said on here, if the person and family are organising the LPAs themselves, then as long as those involved honestly believe the donor has capacity at the moment of signing, all is well

 

[jenniferjean]

it's my understanding that if a solicitor or any professional involved in drawing up a will or organising LPAs has doubts about the capacity of their client, thay are duty bound not to proceed
it's often said on here, if the person and family are organising the LPAs themselves, then as long as those involved honestly believe the donor has capacity at the moment of signing, all is well

Yes, my husband had capacity at the time the LPA was drawn up five years ago but his condition has since deteriorated.

 

[jenniferjean]

Unbelievable!. I'm just cleaning the floor and stopped to heave a sigh. My husband says to me "Are you struggling?". I said just a bit. He says "well never mind, it will be a lot easier when we move to the flat. Is he a different person to the one I spoke of here two days ago?

 

[Shedrech]

it's all unfathomable, isn't it @jenniferjean
good that he showed concern for you
and now you have your confirmation that your husband feels the move will be positive, so can go ahead with peace of mind (whatever he may say in another moment)

 

[jenniferjean]

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Friday was the 18th January, exactly three years since my son died. The day came and went and I didn't even notice. So yesterday I realised and I felt really sad and I guess a bit guilty. I couldn't help crying about it. It must have been for about two hours, just silently crying. My husband didn't even notice. Sometimes I think I'm there for him but he doesn't actually see me.

 

[AliceA]

It was a bad day for you, it must have been sad. I tend to remember birthdays. Yes, this lack of empathy is difficult especially when we are down.
Losing a child is so very painful, it always seems the wrong way around.
Take care, moving is very stressful at the best of times. Give yourself some loving care. X