Dear All
I can only hope I get the balance right here. Members of this site helped me over several years, care for my mum in relation to her developing Dementia. Reading threads raised by others helped to guide me as well. Just being part of the forum helped to reduce the isolation of living with and caring for my mum, who was drifting away from me, particularly during lockdowns.
I stress my comments will not help in the initial days after you have lost your loved one. Mum died on 2nd February 2021. For several weeks I was beside myself with emotional grief, could not really eat, my days were empty with the caring role now over. Lockdown meant I remained physically isolated. Mum’s funeral did not happen until 1st March, due to delays caused by COVID-19 restrictions and the number of deaths. Mum’s funeral service was odd, but all that lockdown rules would allow.
I am not saying I am over mum’s death. The caring role, the upset of mum’s sudden heart failure, a few days sitting with mum undergoing hospital palliative care, etc, are going to be with me the rest of my life. However their ability to reduce me to uncontrollable emotional grief is easing. Several factors have helped me start to get over mum’s death. I list them below in no particular order. I hope they might ease the emotional upset of others suffering from the loss of a loved one who had Dementia. The loss in those circumstances involves a strange mix of emotions not found with non Dementia death.
1) The funeral service was very upsetting for the family but it has helped the process of recovery. Knowing mum has physically left the earth made her death very real. I cannot explain how but it allowed me to accept her loss, as before I could not. After the service that afternoon I walked down the back alley me and mum walked down regularly during lockdowns. The sun was out and for the first time since her death I remembered the spring and summer walks of 2020, after we entered the first lockdown. I recognised how over the months mum had not been able to go so far, needed more rests, etc. In reality her physical strength was declining, but I did not get upset, just acknowledged having even shorter walks helped her. The alley conversations we had about her youth came back to me. The white cat who use to escort us of “his patch” made an appearance. I had recaptured the alley as a positive thing I shared with mum, not a negative measure of her decline.
2) At mum’s funeral service the “Dash poem” was read out. If you have not heard it before like me, then please search under google. The little dash between the dates of birth and death is the most important thing. Mum almost got to 90yo, recent years were increasingly shaped by her developing Dementia, but that was not all of her dash. Mum did a great deal, helped others, older pre Dementia memories are coming back to me. I will never forget the problems of her illness in recent years, but very gradually they are becoming only a small part of when I think about mum. I have started an exercise book in which I note down things I remember about mum from over the years. Slowly I am getting a better sense of balance. Full time caring for mum was getting progressively harder, it had come to define my life and very significantly my relationship with mum. Now I can increasingly remember her as a son, not her carer. I hope that makes some sense.
3) Now for a confession which might help others. I tried to talk to someone at CRUSE bereavement services, but they were to busy and suggested I contact the Samaritans. Initially my reaction was no to doing so. I did not feel suicidal and I thought that was the purpose of that organisation. I sent an email to them outlining my recent loss, upset, continued isolation, etc. The reply stressed that it was perfectly okay to ring them to discuss matters so I did. Spoke to a lovely lady for about an hour, covered a lot of matters, got a few suggestions. Not sure I would have done this without the ongoing isolation of lockdown, but it did a lot of good. As mum would say “you live and learn”. The Samaritans do more than what my understanding of their service was.
4) Talking to my sister on the phone shortly after mum’s death she advised mum would want us to go forward positively with our lives, not have an extended period of grief. Remember her, cherish the memories, but let go of the grief. I was to upset to start with. I heard the words but did not take them in, until a walk in the sunshine down me and mum’s alley the afternoon after her funeral. For the first time in weeks I smiled, saw things a little more positively, a fuzzy non caring future briefly emerged, whereas before I could not think of the future.
Okay a long post. Helped me doing so. I have managed it without great emotional upset. I am now going for a walk again in the sunshine, starting off up the alley. I hope my words can help just one other person. I owe this site and it’s membership a great deal. I need to get mum’s affairs settled, decide on a future location, try and get back into employment, grow myself again. Part of that future will include the world of Dementia. Mum would quote her dad who said “nothing is wasted”. Before mum got ill I knew nothing about Dementia, the isolation of Carers, the failings of Adult Social Care, etc. I stumbled into it with mum, but perhaps that was fate playing a role not only for mum, but for me as well. I intend to get settled then do voluntary work in the Dementia area. I needed help, advice, guidance and got it from the voluntary sector and this forum. On Monday no doubt several people up and down the country will get a Dementia diagnosis. Their partners and family will also get it, but not perhaps realise its full significance to them, at that point in time. They to will need help. Sometime in the future I will help where I can as a volunteer.
I can only hope I get the balance right here. Members of this site helped me over several years, care for my mum in relation to her developing Dementia. Reading threads raised by others helped to guide me as well. Just being part of the forum helped to reduce the isolation of living with and caring for my mum, who was drifting away from me, particularly during lockdowns.
I stress my comments will not help in the initial days after you have lost your loved one. Mum died on 2nd February 2021. For several weeks I was beside myself with emotional grief, could not really eat, my days were empty with the caring role now over. Lockdown meant I remained physically isolated. Mum’s funeral did not happen until 1st March, due to delays caused by COVID-19 restrictions and the number of deaths. Mum’s funeral service was odd, but all that lockdown rules would allow.
I am not saying I am over mum’s death. The caring role, the upset of mum’s sudden heart failure, a few days sitting with mum undergoing hospital palliative care, etc, are going to be with me the rest of my life. However their ability to reduce me to uncontrollable emotional grief is easing. Several factors have helped me start to get over mum’s death. I list them below in no particular order. I hope they might ease the emotional upset of others suffering from the loss of a loved one who had Dementia. The loss in those circumstances involves a strange mix of emotions not found with non Dementia death.
1) The funeral service was very upsetting for the family but it has helped the process of recovery. Knowing mum has physically left the earth made her death very real. I cannot explain how but it allowed me to accept her loss, as before I could not. After the service that afternoon I walked down the back alley me and mum walked down regularly during lockdowns. The sun was out and for the first time since her death I remembered the spring and summer walks of 2020, after we entered the first lockdown. I recognised how over the months mum had not been able to go so far, needed more rests, etc. In reality her physical strength was declining, but I did not get upset, just acknowledged having even shorter walks helped her. The alley conversations we had about her youth came back to me. The white cat who use to escort us of “his patch” made an appearance. I had recaptured the alley as a positive thing I shared with mum, not a negative measure of her decline.
2) At mum’s funeral service the “Dash poem” was read out. If you have not heard it before like me, then please search under google. The little dash between the dates of birth and death is the most important thing. Mum almost got to 90yo, recent years were increasingly shaped by her developing Dementia, but that was not all of her dash. Mum did a great deal, helped others, older pre Dementia memories are coming back to me. I will never forget the problems of her illness in recent years, but very gradually they are becoming only a small part of when I think about mum. I have started an exercise book in which I note down things I remember about mum from over the years. Slowly I am getting a better sense of balance. Full time caring for mum was getting progressively harder, it had come to define my life and very significantly my relationship with mum. Now I can increasingly remember her as a son, not her carer. I hope that makes some sense.
3) Now for a confession which might help others. I tried to talk to someone at CRUSE bereavement services, but they were to busy and suggested I contact the Samaritans. Initially my reaction was no to doing so. I did not feel suicidal and I thought that was the purpose of that organisation. I sent an email to them outlining my recent loss, upset, continued isolation, etc. The reply stressed that it was perfectly okay to ring them to discuss matters so I did. Spoke to a lovely lady for about an hour, covered a lot of matters, got a few suggestions. Not sure I would have done this without the ongoing isolation of lockdown, but it did a lot of good. As mum would say “you live and learn”. The Samaritans do more than what my understanding of their service was.
4) Talking to my sister on the phone shortly after mum’s death she advised mum would want us to go forward positively with our lives, not have an extended period of grief. Remember her, cherish the memories, but let go of the grief. I was to upset to start with. I heard the words but did not take them in, until a walk in the sunshine down me and mum’s alley the afternoon after her funeral. For the first time in weeks I smiled, saw things a little more positively, a fuzzy non caring future briefly emerged, whereas before I could not think of the future.
Okay a long post. Helped me doing so. I have managed it without great emotional upset. I am now going for a walk again in the sunshine, starting off up the alley. I hope my words can help just one other person. I owe this site and it’s membership a great deal. I need to get mum’s affairs settled, decide on a future location, try and get back into employment, grow myself again. Part of that future will include the world of Dementia. Mum would quote her dad who said “nothing is wasted”. Before mum got ill I knew nothing about Dementia, the isolation of Carers, the failings of Adult Social Care, etc. I stumbled into it with mum, but perhaps that was fate playing a role not only for mum, but for me as well. I intend to get settled then do voluntary work in the Dementia area. I needed help, advice, guidance and got it from the voluntary sector and this forum. On Monday no doubt several people up and down the country will get a Dementia diagnosis. Their partners and family will also get it, but not perhaps realise its full significance to them, at that point in time. They to will need help. Sometime in the future I will help where I can as a volunteer.