Somebody else's glasses

[hendy]

Dear Grannie G, Tina and all
It certainly was a relief and I did have a cry. Its a scary thought to think what will happen to my dad in the future, if his options are so limited now. I suppose I'll have to deal with that as and when and not dwell on it too much. The next hurdle is Wednesday when I will about the results of his nursing assessment review...

Visiting Dad on Wednesday was very brief, as I had to collect his washing and I had the children with me. We have a routine now, James settles Grandpa into a chair and offer drinks and biscuits,chattering away, while I do a check on his stuff. Everything is still there, including his new pair of shoes. Plus we have an added item - I found somebody else's glasses, but mysteriously they have Dads name on! I took them to staff, and explained they weren't his, they said they must be because they've got his name on! Not sure what to do with these now - some poor soul must be missing them. James and Edward didn't escape without been given chocolate biscuits and sweets by the other patients!
Dads on new medication to stop his salivation. Dad managed to tell me his nose felt uncomfortable and I was able to mention this to staff. They thought it might be the medication. So they'll keep an eye on it. It is such a relief that Dad is able to communicate albeit with difficulty and just to me.
Dad'll be coming for lunch on Sunday, so all hands on deck to help out as Dads mobility is declining, he can still walk but is very unsteady.
Thats all for now
hendy

 

[sue38]

Hendy,

So pleased to read of the progress you are making with finding the right care for your Dad.

Enjoy your Sunday lunch with your Dad and family.

 

[hendy]

Had to change plans to have Dad over for lunch today. We were snowed in this morning (live at altitude!). Weather improved later on but children were at friends birthday party. Re-scheduled lunch for tomorrow instead. Also tumble drier broke down yesterday, causing untold havoc with weekend washing. Feeling Fed up and physically exhausted. Feeling guilty about Dad because Sunday is a regular visiting day. Tried ringing hospital twice but no reply yet! Will keep trying. Just wondering if anybody else(two sisters) will be visiting Dad, but perhaps this is a waste of time asking or even thinking about it.
Hoping for a better today tomorrow!
hendy

 

[NancyD]

We have given up asking for my mothers glasses and hearing aid there comes a point when it all seems pointless. Her glasses keep falling off because she has lost so much weight and she refuses to have her ears syringed to have a new hearing aid fitted.

 

[hendy]

Hi Nancy
I think we have crossed threads! Considering your mums confusion, would it help her if her glasses fitted correctly? It is possible to get an optician to visit your mum at the nursing home to adjust them? Does your mum have really poor eyesight without her glasses? If so, then it probably is worth pursuing.
take care
hendy

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Hendy,

And Tina T. I applaud your checklist, but if I had used it when choosing mum's home, I wouldn't have found one at all. There was a choice of two out of about 25. Once "seemed nicer" that the other, but they had only one room free, and I wasn't pleased that only about 10 residents were visible - where were the rest of them? Also, mum is a night wanderer, and the room they had free was way out of the way, up stairs, down stairs, mum would have been panicking. So we really had only one choice.

Hendy, teachers have raw deal, no-one really understands. I don't envy you at all. I am not a teacher, I am a lecturer at a University, so we have no half-terms, and many courses run through Easter and the Summer, depending on what you are scheduled for. We have a "reading week", the week after next, but it is only for undergraduates and I have five professional classes to teach Tues, Wed, Thurs, so no chance of a week off at all. I have spent 5 hours on Easter Sunday devising an Exam - only three more to do by Friday! And they have to be internally moderated by then, with solutions and marking scheme attached. Summer holidays are the only opportunity for a break, but they are filled with open days/evenings and courses, and we are all required to complete 2 weeks a year of personal development, so about 20 days will go on that (all in different weeks, of course, so again, no proper break). I usually manage a fortnight, sometimes a wonderful three weeks, but the rest of summer entails at least 2 days a week in work, often 4 half-days.

Little compensation for the 60-hour weeks that are now common.

So that is why I have decided I have to take a year out for my mum. Something has to go, and she shows no signs of going yet, so it has to be the job, and the income, and the cost to the government in lost tax and NI, which doesn't help my gripe with the DWP about Pension Credit. I cannot live another academic year like the one we are currently in. Mum asks "Are you going away for Easter", and "Have you booked any summer holidays" and I sometimes feel like shouting at her - how much bloody time do you think organising all this for you takes? Not fair. But it does take up so much time.

Lost shoes. I spent ages finding shoes for mum, the shop ordered several pairs, let me take them to mum's home for her to try, trusted me to return with a £5 deposit for all 10 pairs. Only one pair fitted, but they have disappeared. Toiletries - well mum is now banned from having toiletries. It has been discovered that she has been applying deodorant instead of Sudocrem to her sore bottom. She has soap and toothpaste and that is it. We may find she has been applying toothpaste to her sore bottom! But doesn't it all take time?

Now lost teeth. Again. I found them in mum's dressing gown pocket, but they have gone again. £800 to replace. Hoping she doesn't mention it. I would gladly pay, but if they just disappear again there is no point.

Lost glasses - well today I found a lens in mum's handbag. Not from her glasses, so whose is it? Handed it in, but nobody is sitting there with one lens missing. A mystery.

Tina T, I did notice today that lots of mum's "friends" are very nicely dressed and wearing jewellery. My mum doesn't fuss about jewellery, but I might raid her jewellery box and take a few bits in for her. Nothing too valuable (if she has anything in that category), maybe a couple of necklaces with good big clasps.

Eeh, folks, we are all doing our best aren't we? Well we are, whatever failures we might feel. This time a year ago, I thought my mum was just a bit forgetful, and then it all blew up into a serious situation. I never imagined this happening to mum. Saddest thing is that if my dad had still been alive (he died in 2004 of stomach cancer) she would still have been at home, and he would have been making sure she was happy and safe and well. By golly is he missed.

Sorry to ramble on. I really need that break from work.

Love to all.

Margaret

 

[Margarita]

Had to change plans to have Dad over for lunch today. We were snowed in this morning (live at altitude!). Weather improved later on but children were at friends birthday party. Re-scheduled lunch for tomorrow instead. Also tumble drier broke down yesterday, causing untold havoc with weekend washing. Feeling Fed up and physically exhausted. Feeling guilty about Dad because Sunday is a regular visiting day. Tried ringing hospital twice but no reply yet! Will keep trying. Just wondering if anybody else(two sisters) will be visiting Dad, but perhaps this is a waste of time asking or even thinking about it.
Hoping for a better today tomorrow!
hendy

Its tomorrow now , hope its a better day for you today .

I so know the feeling when the tumble drier break down, mine broke now a while ago . did you finally manage to talk to your father yesterday ?

 

[hendy]

Hi Margarita
No I didn't get through, in the end it was rather late. Have put joint in the oven and was going to pick Dad up before lunch. just got a call from hospital saying Dad not feeling too good (understatement!) Apparently he had a fall last night and has a graze on his forehead. So when I've cooked lunch, i'll go over and visit it him as usual. Just hope its nothing too serious.

It brings to mind very strange conversations i've had with some nursing staff when ringing up about Dad, at various times in various hospitals. They used to go something like this
'Hello, I am just wanting to know how Dad is today, he was really upset by hallucinations yesterday?'
'Oh he's fine!'

or 'Hello, how is Dad feeling today, he was depressed last night'
'He's doing very well'
or
'Hi there, is Dad feeling better after his fall'
He's just having a nap'
Perhaps these phrases are just meant to reassure, but they never worked on me!

Margarita, we have been raiding the children's piggy banks for 20p pieces to go to the laundrette!
I have instructed everybody not to change clothes too often til the situation is sorted!!
Take care
hendy

 

[hendy]

Hi Margaret
Sorry you're having such a tough time now. Work pressures are really just too much sometimes. Trying to keep our head above water, like ducks, and paddling furiously underneath. At some point something is going to give. If you dont keep a close eye on mum its going to cause more trouble in the long run as well. The glasses, teeth and shoes situation just goes on and on doesn't it? It is so wearing. Does your mum like wearing her jewellery? Hope you get things sorted with the DWP soon.
take care
hendy

 

[TinaT]

Preparation, preparation - all part of a teacher/lecturer's busy life. We wouldn't want it any different would we? Well, just sometimes! Must 'fess up 'though, now I'm retired I miss the prearation, as well as the 'buzz' that teaching brought and, of course, the money.

When looking for a care home, we have to take into account the current needs of our loved one; space in public areas for my husband, for someone else a ground floor bedroom. Tips and hints can only go so far in helping us to decided which home is the best we can hope for.

In the past months of looking for a care home/EMI home I have found that the CSCI reports have not helped me. They have not provided me with the standardisation of quality in their reports which I expected when I first visited their site. Reports are patchy, in that they do not do a full inspection on each visit. The standards on which they base their inspect are low and fall well below the standards I would have expected and needed. This is a public body on which, I felt, I could rely and after my own visits to care homes, I feel very let down by the CSCI.

There are far too many homes which are terribly understaffed, not enough thought gone into planning the space available within the care home: old ladies sat in a circle with their back to the wall in a room with a tv switched on, an offensive and unacceptable smell of urine pervading everywhere - in summary - a lower level of care than I could reasonably expect in view of the fees charged, leaving me with with the sense that profit is paramount in the way homes are managed.


All of the above leave me angry and frustrated as, usually in social care, the cry is 'There isn't enough money for good quality care'. I feel that the fees which are charged, especially in care homes run by large, private corporations, is more than adequate to provide what is needed.

The problem, as I percieve it, is a lack of willpower by our Governement and our society in general. Many new initiatives are in the air at this present time, all of them purport to bring in a 'new deal' for our sick, frail and elderly population and I applaud what I think, is a genuine push to improve services.

No where in this new package do I see a move where the Government set down standards of care in residential care which reflect what we as a modern society expect, together with an official Government run inspection process which enforces this.

xxTinaT

 

[hendy]

Dear Tina
Thanks for your post. There are certainly inadequacies in the CSCI reports. Having read a number of them, it is clear that they get their evidence for them, by getting feedback from residents and relatives. They almost seem to give some sort of disclaimer( or is it an apology?!) that they were not able to gather as much because of the frailty of patients or lack of feed back from relatives. Surely the burden of evidence shouldn't just be on residents being able to discuss the home. The care home my dad has just left was inspectd in July, and I had to get social services onto some very serious issues, by November. So it couldn't have gone that much down hill so quickly, or did the inspection fail to get an accurate picture? Its an extremely worrying situation. But perhaps there is no political will to do anything about it??
take care
hendy

 

[hendy]

Dear Tina
I think I need to get a bit more up-to-speed with whats really happening government wise. You seem to be very well informed on the political front!
take care
hendy

 

[hendy]

Somebody else's tooth brush

To anyone reading
Went to visit Dad yesterday. Lunch was lovely but sad because Dad really should hve been there. We'll do another next weekend and try again. He seemed fairly settled and seemed to recognise me. Not quite a smile but raised eyebrows and stopped wandering in his tracks! We went through to his bedroom, Dad is familiar with this routine now! I didn't have cream cakes on me, but Dad has a stash of Jaffa cakes and other goodies in his wardrobe. He's not aware they are there, so I have no worries about him eating everything in one go. So we were trying to chat. I sorted his laundry etc. Checked toilet bag and found deoderant, shaving foam and tooth brush that wasn't dads! Handed it in to staff. Amazingly, Dad has his glasses still on!
Dad finds it so hard to communicate right now, but incredibly he still can. I asked him how he was feeling and he said 'agitated', 'I know Dad', I find it so hard to reassure him sometimes, so just hold his hand. He gripped very tightly and said 'I want to go home' , 'I know Dad' , my mind running at a hundred miles an hour. Where is Dad's home? I sold his lovely cottage 4 years ago, he could never go back to it. I rented a bungalow local to us, he can never go bck to that either. He cant go back to his last nursing home, thankfully. So I explained a little about the possibility of the new home. 'its near to us, would you like that?'. He said yes.
I kept chatting, we wandered up and down. I plucked up courage to ask him what medication he was on. This is a biggie, because Dad was a pharmacist, ironically, he is the most qualified to handle the medications on the ward!! This irony has never been lost on the staff supervising the medicines trolley. I couldn't believe the reply, he told me everything he was on. I suppose some days he is going to be more communicative, I think they are going to be rare moments as time goes on. But the effort Dad has put into talking, he is so determined!
bye for now
hendy

 

[TinaT]

Visits are always double edged swords, happiness that you are together, sadness that you can't be together and leading a 'normal' life. He is still a lovely dad to you and obviously so pleased to see you. How much effort he put into communicating! Love can do so much, even in this terrible illness.

I too have been astonished when Ken has had moments of ability to express himself clearly. His fear and anxiety overwhelm me. leaving me bewildered and upset.

xxTinaT

 

[hendy]

Dear Tina
You're right. These moments are so sad and moving and at times. They are like little windows into their world. Try as we might, it is impossible to empathise with our loved ones completely. What a frightening and bewildering place it must be for them.
take care
hendy

 

[hendy]

To anyone reading
Its Dads nursing review panel meeting tomorrow, so this is when we will find out what kind of care setting they will recommend.
I had found a home that i thought would be great for Dad, but there aren't any beds...
An interesting phone call from the OT lady, who rang to tell me very enthusiastically about a 'state of the art' home fairly close by. perhaps I should have a look, I thanked her and took some details.
In the same call, she was suggesting that we get together and make a 'life history' for dad that he would be able to take with him into his new home. Which sounds like a great idea and I've got lots of pictures that I can include. I was going to get them scanned for posterity anyway, so it gave me a push in the right direction. The only problem is that my dads life is marked by tragic events...So I will put something together, but ...
Later I looked up the home's CSCI report, and well, what can I say, would the OT lady want to put her dad in a home like that??
Please, please God let something work out well for Dad tomorrow...
bye for now
hendy
ps tumble drier been fixed , then gone on the blink again...

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Hendy.

I really hope tomorrow`s meeting and review go well for both you and your father.

Please let us know.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Hendy, good luck for the panel meeting tomorrow.

I'd go and see the home -- you'll know as soon as you walk through the door whether it's right!

Let us know how it goes.

 

[hendy]

Dear Hazel and Sylvia
Thanks for your messages of support,they are much appreciated. Feeling very uncertain about things tonight. Hopefully will have some good news to report tomorrow. Gotta try and think positive!
take care
hendy

 

[hendy]

Just wanted to place this quick post

I am trying to check out 'poor' nursing home that hospital health care professional has recommended to go and see. trying to make arrangements. 10 year old going out with friend for best part of day. 5 Year old left with me. i dont really want to take him to emi home that i dont know. So ring mum, could she possibly have Edward for a hour? No she's going out at twelve it wont be possible. I hardly ever ask for favours like this. Mum happens to have 'memory problems' too (gets lost in car parks, panics and has mood swings). There's part of me just wondering if she will be neeeding any help herself in the future? Sorry to rant. When I have said earlier in my thread that i have no support, this is what I mean. i wanted to just log it down somewhere.
This is also an example of need for adhoc child care.
bye for now
hendy
ps have sent email to CSCI to see if improvements have been made to home in question.
pps Can 'they' force me to put Dad in this home if he has continuing care?
ppps Am looking for cntact details fo my MP,might as well get the ball rolling...