Some practical advice needed

[Ragnatone]

We care for my 86 year old father in law with fairly advanced dementia.

He is living with us and his wife for the past two weeks after three falls.

He has no interests except the TV eating cups of tea and pad changes. Last few days he keeps asking my husband to change his pad - we keep saying we only did it two minutes ago (literally) should we used tactics to divert his attention elsewhere ? Has anyone else had this ? Ironic thing is he refuses point blank to wash !

Any positive advice please - I did explain my situation in full once on a Facebook site and the first answer was negative and critical which I really didn’t need x

thank you in advance

 

[nae sporran]

Belated welcome to the forums Ragnatone. It's not a problem I have had to deal with, but for that it is worth distraction and changing the subject are always worth trying. Your father in law may just be feeling nervous and sometimes reassurance that he will be ok works when my OH is like that.
If he won't wash though, would he accept help with that from outside carers? C will reluctantly accept help from others just to be polite as they have made the effort and it takes some of the strain off me.

 

[Ragnatone]

Thank you so much and I actually think that this may be worth a try. Like you say because they are official he may accept for them to help. He’s actually quite good (through moaning ) when nurses etc come.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

We care for my 86 year old father in law with fairly advanced dementia.

He is living with us and his wife for the past two weeks after three falls.

He has no interests except the TV eating cups of tea and pad changes. Last few days he keeps asking my husband to change his pad - we keep saying we only did it two minutes ago (literally) should we used tactics to divert his attention elsewhere ? Has anyone else had this ? Ironic thing is he refuses point blank to wash !

Any positive advice please - I did explain my situation in full once on a Facebook site and the first answer was negative and critical which I really didn’t need x

thank you in advance

Welcome Ragnatone,
My dad is 85 years mixed dementia and similar to your FIL in that his interests are TV but stays on same channel all day, eating, cups of tea and tossing his dog the odd biscuit he has flatly refused a bath and shower for over two years.
It appears its not unusual for someone with dementia to get adverse to keeping clean. My dad also refuses to have his nails done and to be honest it can turn my gut looking at them they usually snap in the end forcing him to file the raged edges. Dad has four care visits a day and lives alone but has regular daily visits from family.
Dad can be the opposite to your FIL as will often decline pad being checked especially on carers tea time visit he has a permanent catheter so pad for bowels. I can only suggest same as @nae sporran maybe try distracting FIL or maybe say he is lovely and dry perhaps some praise on how clean the pad is. It might well be that FIL will allow a carer to deal with personal care better than family although my dad doesn't seem bothered if he's made pad dirty and I'm there to help him not a job I envy anyone but have had to do if need be. We haven't had any success in bathing or showering so he has a strip wash and carers do the best they can.

Its difficult I find dad can be quite childlike a rather forced giggle on occasion but mostly throws a tantrum and get angry.
I find it quite hard to deal with his changing personality but softly softly is sometimes the best way to proceed. I can sometimes tell straight off he's in a bad mood other times it comes from nowhere.
I wish you luck and so sorry that you had criticism from another social media site it really is the last thing anyone in the position of caring for someone with dementia needs.

 

[Ragnatone]

Thank you so much and makes me feel so much better that someone else fully understands what we are going through. We moved them in two weeks ago after my father in law has three falls in a week. My mother in law is in a wheelchair and is currently in hospital with chest infection shingles and flu so he’s most likely more at a loss than normal. We have been trying to get to see a doctor for years and have a phone call with a doctor on Tuesday to hopefully for him to be diagnosed and we can start in the system. The criticism was why hadn’t we got him assessed before (difficult when neither of them want the doctor) and that we were thoughtless about how much we had taken on. (Words to that effect) At the time there was a crisis and this meant we could look after them 24 hours a day which they both need. We have spent the last three and half years looking after them both in their own home. This logically feels like the next step.