Some input for someone who just got into this

[JohnGroban]

& just for the sake of the argument.
We take her home. In order to take her home we need the following:
- a new fridge - we had numerous talks with her in the past, but it was a TABU subject as she always refused.
- Install a new tv
- Install Internet
- Use the light more often
- Hire 2 nurses, 2 nurses she must accept in her house.

All of these are things that might trigger another shock.

 

[canary]

You know its not going to work if you take her home, but your grandma has no idea. In her mind she is exactly the same as she ever was and cannot see any reason why she cant go home. The scenario she paints in her mind of her sitting in a corner and not being any bother is pure fiction, as Im sure you know. It wont turn out that way at all - it will all go back to the way it was before she moved to her care home.

 

[lemonbalm]

We had a good visit today, but I don't know what to do with my mum.

Every time when we visit, grandma is saying to mum she wants to go home, to sit in her corner, at home and doesn't want to disturb anyone, just to sit there. With tears in her eyes.
Mum usually is frozen at that point and doesn't know what to say. I try to intervene, but usually, grandma pays only attention to mum, at that point.

My parents are not like me, they usually freeze in these moments and don't know how to react.

Overall grandma is ok, she had tears in her eyes of joy when she heard they will take her cast off on Thursday. She sleeps well, eats well, and drinks well. Usually, the sundowning effect is about 1-5 minutes during the night, then she goes back to sleep and all is well.
She is different, I agree, but there isn't a huge, huge difference. It frustrates the hell out of me because I have had to fight with the thoughts of taking her back home + convince mum it is for the best.
I am reassuring every time grandma that she still has to stay, but the doctors told us she has to stay more, but it's quite hard as she is not a vegetable and knows what I am telling her and understand me.

I hate the human mind and what it does to people, I really do.

Well, it takes a lot of practice to field these pleas to come home and your mum perhaps can't do that without risking crying yet. It will come though. You are doing a great job the sound of it. Your grandma seems to be doing really well where she is. Hopefully she will stop asking to go home and sit quietly in her corner in time (to be honest, that made my eyes water too)

 

[JohnGroban]

Yeah, I know it very well, sadly.

If she had the things from above, I would have found a way to take her home, but finding two decent nurses is quite a gamble. But with those things from above, her house will be quite different & might cause her another shock.
Simple, you have no idea who you invite in your house.

It sounds stupid, I know, but her current situation is even more difficult than if she was a vegetable/a completely different timeline.
She looks close to her normal state, except for a few things, as I mentioned in the past. Curious, we had a conversation last time I was there and she told me about her roommate, a lady from Russia, that she felt pity because she was so ill and left there by her family, all alone.
I asked out of curiosity the staff and they confirmed everything.

I feel we are stuck in a revolving door.

 

[lemonbalm]

It's all really tricky stuff. My mum can go from being unable to form words one day to coming out with coherent sentences which make perfect sense the next. Sometimes I wonder if she actually has dementia at all and think what the hell have I done?

 

[JohnGroban]

it is @lemonbalm, it quite is.
We didn't have this issue so far, she speaks fluently. "Those" people are the only issue wrong about what she is saying, but again, we can see her for 10 minutes or so. Who knows what she is saying to the staff there.

She has two other elder friends there, two ladies, I usually wave to them when also when I leave and they smile and wave back to me.

The last hour I looked around the web for a book, in my language, for mum, about dementia. I think he needs to read about this, as she doesn't go online. It's about coping
and some ... tips & tricks.

 

[JohnGroban]

Tomorrow we are getting that cursed cast off.
If you have time, put in a good word in your thoughts for her.

 

[canary]

You have done well to keep that cast on her for the full length of time. When mum broke her wrist it was off within about 4 days

 

[JohnGroban]

You have done well to keep that cast on her for the full length of time. When mum broke her wrist it was off within about 4 days

We had no other choice. According to the doctor she needed an operation, the cast was a compromise.
Bought some medicine balls & kit for her recovery. Hope her hand will be ok again,.

 

[JohnGroban]

I swear I can't get a ****** break.

Today they got her cast off, finally. One minute into taking it off, they sense a rotten smell or something.
They get the full cast off and they see around the place where it was broken, near the wrist, a big infection.
I swear, I've never seen something similar in my life. It was stuff like you see in nightmares or B rate horror movies where they don't have enough money for special effects

They gaved me a list of medicine to buy and I rushed there after I got them. Got to see grandma who was all smiles and stuff, showing me proudly her hand without the cast, we sent each other kisses through the window and left. She was ok, but I am worried about this infection. Not now, because with the treatment she will bine fine, but what some of you posted back since all of this started and if an infection might be the cause of all of this.

I still need to find a special drug called Microdacyn Spray and then let's see where we will go from there.

I am really mad about the amount of bad luck she has.

 

[lemonbalm]

Oh that's unfortunate @JohnGroban . I hope the infection clears up quickly. I'm glad to see that your grandma is in good spirits at least. I was just looking back at your earlier posts and a number of us did indeed suggest that delirium from infection (or pain from the injury) may have been the cause of your grandma's sudden change in behaviour, and that can certainly make existing dementia much worse.

As you say, sort the infection out first and see where things go from there. One thing at a time.

 

[canary]

Im sorry she has got an infection, but at least its a localised one, the antibiotics should sort it out and hopefully it wont affect her cognition

Infections seem to be a recurring problem with people with dementia. I suspect that the dementia leads to a decline in the immune system

Good that she was happy, waving and blowing kisses. Thats a very big plus.

 

[JohnGroban]

Yeah, for the moment she is not taking any drugs, just some spray & special ointment to clear the wound.
The doctor of the clinic said for the moment it's not necessary to give her antibiotics too.

Have to wait now.

 

[JohnGroban]

Looks like her hand is getting better.

But today was a bad day for me. On Saturday, as I mention, I go with my OH at her house to take care of the flowers.
We usually have a ritual, call an uber and we stop to a coffee shop near, then we walk between the streets where I grew up, then we have the coffee in her house.
We do this because, I swear, in the most objective way, grandma made an exceptional coffee. She had zero training, but everyone knew her coffee when I grew up. From the postman (who always had a cup ready when it came with her pension), to workers when they did some rehabilitation to the building. Every time I went there, as an adult, she used to make a cup for me, and from time to time she would put it in a bottle and send it to me via my mum/dad.

Anyway, as I was sitting there in the house it hit me again that most probably she will never sleep again in her bed, she will never be in her house

 

[canary]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The grief monster can jump out and give you a slap at the any time and it always seems a surprise.
Because, you see, this is grief - anticipatory grief to be precise and it can just hit you sometimes

 

[JohnGroban]

Thank you, Canary.
I genuinely think that anticipatory grief is the worst. It's really a revolving door for me. Wanting this to be over quickly for her vs Having a small hope that with some kind of a miracle everything will be the same again.

Weird enough, I am at peace with her going because she knows how much I love her and she felt me close every day. There are no things that were left unsaid and I am thankful for that.

 

[JohnGroban]

It's quite a journey.
We had the best visit so far.

It all started on Saturday when I sent the nurses some pictures with the flowers that grandma had in her house. Grandma reacted really, really well. Then, later that day, they changed her roommate.

According to the head nurse, after the first month, they see what elders become friends and they put them in the same room. They've put grandma with another lady who is 92 years old and they became BFF.
There is a huge improvement with her since Thursday when they took the cast off.

She asked mum about "that person" and when mum told her there wasn't anyone, for the first time I saw a reaction on grandma's face. We told her the cast was the reason she saw "that person", because of the pain.
She seems to understand.

I literally couldn't leave until I bribed her favorite nurse.

I am not getting my hopes up, but if it stays like this, I will be at peace.
She is a fighter, man. I hope there is a heaven because she is one of a kind that deserves her place there.

 

[canary]

My mum found a BFF in her care home too. The pair of them were convinced that they had been childhood friends, had been to school together, worked together and moved into the care home together! It was very sweet really, although they had never met before they moved to the care home, and mum was there several weeks before her new friend arrived.

Its all sounding very positive for your grandma. There will be ups and downs, good visits and the occasional bad ones, but that is the nature of the beast.
I have some very happy memories of the times I used to visit mum in her care home.

 

[lemonbalm]

Well that all sounds rather marvelous @JohnGroban . You certainly chose a good place for your grandma to be.

 

[JohnGroban]

My small, small hopes are that we caught this in time, not even 24 hours after it all started and it was more of a delirium scenario, rather than full mode dementia.

Question: Every time I go to her home I bring some chocolate for the staff. Every time. Is that enough?
For Christmas, I bought them some presents, cosmetics, from Sabon and for the head nurse two perfumes.