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Some input for someone who just got into this

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Thanks, guys.
I am reluctant, to be honest. I think giving her money can cause problems (she might say they were stolen, etc).
Besides the monthly fee, I also pay around 100 euros per month for specials services like diapers, but she doesn't need them at all, but it's that kind of service that is "out of the contract".

I understand carers usually get some money, not much, a few euros, but I hardly can't find her carer around to give her.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,118
0
Southampton
i didnt mean put it into her purse, i meant give it to staff and they put it in the safe in case. no dont put it into her purse, she might give away herself. sorry for confusion
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Fellas,

I want to wish you a happy new year and all the very best to you and your loved ones.
Without you, without your advice, I wouldn't have survived mentally with everything that happened.

Writing here and talking to people was a big, big help. I wish someday I could thank you all.
The very best to you and thanks again for everything.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Want to share this funny moment that happened yesterday when we visited her.
We had to give her some money because it was actually true, she loaned some money from her colleague to pay the nurses. better said, to bribe the nurses, so we agreed with the head nurse to try and give her 15 euros, in small change and see how she reacts.

Anyway, the funny story is that when we arrived yesterday, she was asked two nurses to stay for us to bribe them. So there we were us and the two nurses, they looked semi embarrassed, us also, and grandma super content to see them receiving money. 😄

Hope this money thing will not bring problems, but I swear man, she is something else. I am so happy she was in my life all these years.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Some updates with Covid, might help you lot.

We received today a call from the head nurse today and she informed us that the center was contacted by the Public Health Organization to make a list of the staff and elder residents that want the vaccine, so she is calling the families to get their consent.

Not 100 % sure, but it looks like they will go from center to center.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,375
0
Thanks @JohnGroban . My mum had her first vaccination at her care home, along with other residents and staff late last week.

According to the BBC news today, more than 2.4 million people in the UK have now received a Covid-19 vaccine. Light at the end of the tunnel but it's going to take a little while before we're all jabbed!
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Well, finally we had one of those bad days you guys were talking about and warned me.

Arrived earlier from the home care, when grandma came down, she had a bag with all of the pictures, love notes from my SO and her glasses. She handed them to mum and told her to take them home because she is going home soon.
Then she started ten minutes on how if we want her to die, we will still keep her there, if we keep her more than February she will live in a coffin, that her roommate keeps on talking non-stop and annoys her, that we must convince the doctor she must leave. Then asked again for some money, even if we gave her last week.
Then she picked on me, that I have no right to speak, this is a discussion between her and her daughter (my mum). Towards the end she relaxed a bit, but at the end told me to shut up and then she left.

Even I expected this, I did not ... expect it.
My mum can't do it, she freezes every time while everything I say or try to change the subject is brushed away by my grandmother. After the visit, the head nurse told us they will restrict our visits, once at two weeks, because it seems that this doesn't work well with grandma.
I was asking if it would be possible to move her alone, but for the moment they don't have any spare single rooms and does not recommend it to us at all because the two of them are really better since they are together (which is true).

I really have no idea what to do again. It's hard when the other has no idea what is going on and what efforts you are trying to make her feel better. I am annoyed with my mum because she sits there and doesn't do anything, I know it's wrong, but I am annoyed.

That "take me home in my apartment" is killing me because no matter how much I will explain, she will never listen and understand and will always blame me. I think this will become worse and worse.

A bad day. A bad day indeed.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,375
0
Hello @JohnGroban . I'm sorry you had a bad visit. It was going so well. This thing is, it will no doubt go well again.

First thing to do, I would suggest, is ask the staff if they have checked for urine infection, which can have a disastrous effect on dementia. It's also a good idea to check for any pain or other physical cause if this has been a sudden change. It could be that there needs to be a review of your grandma's medication. It could just be that your grandma is just having a bad day or a bad patch. Even constipation can cause a huge change in behaviour. These are all things to ask the head nurse about.

Forgive me if I have told you this before but when I was visiting my mum, there were days when she would literally scream - really scream - at me, call me a traitor, say that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I don't mind telling you that the guilt was almost overwhelming. Within a few days or sometimes even the very next day, mum was all smiles and sweetness, genuinely pleased to see me. After three and a half years of visits, I know that, however bad one visit might be, the chances are that the next one, or the one after that, will be ok.

Your poor mum is doing nothing because she doesn't know what to do. This stuff is extremely hard to deal with. You know deep down that your grandma is being really well cared for.

I would say that for now the best thing is to stay away for a while as the head nurse suggests but keep in touch with the home to see how your grandma is when you are not there, maybe send her things by post to let her know you are thinking of her.

Let us know how things are going. This is, as I say, very difficult stuff to deal with.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Thank you @lemonbalm, your input helped me a lot.

Her house is her obsession. Going home. She said just take her there, she doesn't need anything else, not even food.
Of course, it's absurd, but that is the thing she keeps on saying.

Even when things are good, she is saying she wants to go home.

I mentioned, I can find a staff to take care of her at home, even if it will cost double the amount I pay now, somehow we can make it work, but we need to repair the whole electricity in the house, to buy a working fridge, a working TV and internet to facilitate the house for the staff, things that might lead to another shock + what are the chances she might actually accept the staff or the staff can "survive". I need to hire someone who is staying 24/7, someone who will come in the city and live with her, no idea, of course, who you bring into your home.

I am in a revolving door. Knowing she is well taken care of vs her being unhappy because of her obsession.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,896
0
South coast
Im sorry, although it was (as you knew) inevitable. It doesnt make it easy to deal though.
That "take me home in my apartment" is killing me because no matter how much I will explain, she will never listen and understand and will always blame me.
No, she wont understand because she is unable to understand the reality of her situation. In her mind there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfectly able to look after herself and how dare you suggest otherwise?!!!

So stop trying to explain as it will only make her more angry - you will not be able to bring her back into reality.

The only way to bridge the gap between her perception of reality and reality itself is to use therapeutic untruths/love lies. Find a "reason" why she cannot go back that she will accept. Maybe her heating isnt working and the engineer is waiting for a part (that part might take a very loooooong time to arrive ;) ), maybe you are waiting for the doctor to give her the go ahead, perhaps there is a problem with the roads. It really doesnt matter what excuse you use, so long as she will accept it and its someone elses fault
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,896
0
South coast
we need to repair the whole electricity in the house, to buy a working fridge, a working TV and internet to facilitate the house for the staff,
Crossed posts - that sounds like excellent material for therapeutic untruths. Does she accept this? If so, you dont actually have to do it - just keep telling her about the things that you are organising (that never actually get to the end)
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,375
0
As @canary says, just keep on making those excuses - ones that don't make you out to be the bad guy! And do check how your grandma is when you are not there. Many members have said how their loved one is perfectly happy when they are not there but, as soon as they arrive, it's all about wanting to leave and how awful it is.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
As @canary says, just keep on making those excuses - ones that don't make you out to be the bad guy! And do check how your grandma is when you are not there. Many members have said how their loved one is perfectly happy when they are not there but, as soon as they arrive, it's all about wanting to leave and how awful it is.

Woah, this came really good now. I needed to hear this, I really did.
Thank you!

Crossed posts - that sounds like excellent material for therapeutic untruths. Does she accept this? If so, you dont actually have to do it - just keep telling her about the things that you are organising (that never actually get to the end)

Actually, "the doctor" excuse was we used it every single time, but this time she was upset on "this" doctor. Exactly that "what does he know", "who does he think he is"? And asked us to put pressure on him to release her.

The problem is no matter how much I tell her those "excuses" she doesn't listen to me, but to mum. And mom is like a statue. I bought her books, talked to her what to say, but she can't.

What "scares" me about grandma is that her memory is really there, remembers some incredible details, but has zero idea why she is there now.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
156
0
Monday or tuesday I am going to pay the monthly fee. I usually go there by feet and not pay online because, as I mentioned it's a 20 minute walk from home

And I was thinking to have a word with the head nurse to ask if they have some extra things, like a psychologist or something similar that can talk with grandma. Something on a week or two weeks' time, to try to explain the situation to her.

We never had any real talk with her since it all happened, we never asked do you remember what happened, how you end up here? Not because we didn't want, but because we were afraid of another shock + she mentioned that "those two" did it all to her, so we dropped the subject.
But talking to her, imploring us to take her home, and knowing, or better said, remembering, every single person makes it 100 times worse to cope with this because I feel like ****, like what the hell am I doing?
Then logic comes and I see taking her home will make it much worse for us and maybe even for her and I somewhat calm myself. Then again I remember our discussion are really ok, she knows everyone by their names.
This status quo she is having is really horrible.

I am really afraid this disease will turn us into enemies because we do not allow her to leave that place because she thinks she is perfectly fine. Maybe someone who is specialized in this can help by talking to her?

I am afraid she will refuse to see us when we visit as time goes by.

A bad day for me today.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,375
0
Hello @JohnGroban . You will no doubt still be smarting from your bad visit. I don't think that anyone trying to explain your grandma's situation to her will do any good to be honest. It is, I fear, more likely to cause her upset and agitation. By all means, speak to the head nurse and see what she suggests is a good approach for your grandma. She will have seen it all before, will know her quite well by now, and may have some suggestions on how to settle her.

A day at a time John, a day at a time. Do you know how your grandma has been since you saw her?