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Some input for someone who just got into this

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
72
Got a talk with the head nurse today, called to ask her how is grandma feeling and she said she is good, the flu is going away. Good news.

Grandma is her usual lovely way during the day, but at night, that sundowning ... thing is there. Making her angry, shouting, imagining she is in her house and there are "those people".
Is there any way to fight this? She has clocks in her room, has pictures with us, etc, but they don't work.
The nurses help her be calm again, but it happens almost every night.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
866
Hello @JohnGroban . Sun-downing is tricky. The atmosphere in my mum's care home can change quickly late in the afternoon but it doesn't normally last very long. Once one resident becomes restless, the other residents can become restless too. I'm afraid my mum can get pretty shouty in the afternoons. She gets agitated when other residents start moving around, going up to the tables ready for supper or trying the door because they want to go "home".

The staff should be looking for any "triggers" that set the sun-downing off and noting what works well to counteract it, so the situation may improve as they get to know your grandma better. There may be medication which can help if it's a big problem which continues.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
866
Ah, my mum can get very distressed when she needs the loo. I think it's understandable, it's such a palaver and she's unable to manage on her own. I doubt she knows where she is when she wakes up and doesn't know how to get help. The staff come up as soon as the sensor sounds but it's all very undignified and unsettling I think and makes me glad that she probably can't remember it.

Perhaps your grandma will be more settled at night given time. Is she shouting for assistance, do you think? Care homes normally have help buttons but most residents with dementia aren't able to use them. Otherwise, she may just be confused when she wakes up and isn't sure where she is.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
imagining she is in her house and there are "those people" .................... has pictures with us
Im wondering whether these two are related. Often, people with dementia do not recognise family when they are sundowning and I know my mum got to the stage where she thought that people on TV and photos were real and actually in the room.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
72
Im wondering whether these two are related. Often, people with dementia do not recognise family when they are sundowning and I know my mum got to the stage where she thought that people on TV and photos were real and actually in the room.
I think probably not because ”those people” was the first thing when we got alarmed. At first those people were mum and dad. Now those people are anyone, from the nurses, probably even me if was there.
She has a roommate there, so maybe even that lady can be.

@lemonbalm
According to the head nurse, she is shouting: leave my house, but the moment they talk to her and tell her where she calms a bit.
But she can't sleep good. She does it in periods and usually, she is up at 7:30 in the morning.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
72
We had a good visit today.

She was super happy seeing us, most of all, my dad and mum. We talked a bit.
She loves the staff and the staff loves her. We found out today she is the older one there, and the most lucid of them all.

It really breaks my heart, man.
She is still saying she likes the staff a lot, but wants to go home because she feels ashamed people are washing her. The same thing she said last time also.
She told me she wants to come and live with me and my OH, she will not disturb us, she needs just a small sofa near our bed and will sit there without saying anything to us or disturbing us in any way.
Really breaks a man's heart when you see she describes my place exactly how it is.

But it was good man, it was really good. The staff are quite fantastic and they really are taking care of them like they are family. Is the best outcome out of this situation.

What I want to ask, how do you "jog" with this "I want to go home thing"? We are telling her soon, soon, soon, every time, or after COVID will pass, etc, but I can feel her stressing on about this.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
The "want to go home " loop is really hard.
My mum wanted to come and live with me too. I tried it over a weekend and it was a disaster. When I told her that it just wasnt going to work her "solution" was that I should give up work, leave my husband and come and live with her!

The problem is that although they appear lucid about some things, they dont really understand the reality of their situation. I think the way you are dealing with it, saying "soon", is probably the best way. Eventually mum moved into her care home and I used the same tactic. I would also take some cake or sweets with me when I visited, so that I could produce them as a distraction when I didnt like the way the conversation was heading. Eventually mum stopped asking.

Shes not been there for very long, only about three weeks, and it can take a good couple of months to really settle. I think your mum is doing really well, actually and Im sure she will settle in time.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
866
Glad you had a good visit today @JohnGroban . It can be really tough dealing with the going home thing, particularly if the person is asking to live with you. You can almost hear your heat breaking a little bit more.

The kindest thing is to really just keep making excuses like "the doctor says you need to stay here a bit longer" or "you're not quite well enough just yet". She may stop asking after a while, when she's more settled.

It's good to hear that your grandma loves the staff. Perhaps she will be accustomed to the personal care with time. It sounds a really good place.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
72
Glad you had a good visit today @JohnGroban . It can be really tough dealing with the going home thing, particularly if the person is asking to live with you. You can almost hear your heat breaking a little bit more.

The kindest thing is to really just keep making excuses like "the doctor says you need to stay here a bit longer" or "you're not quite well enough just yet". She may stop asking after a while, when she's more settled.

It's good to hear that your grandma loves the staff. Perhaps she will be accustomed to the personal care with time. It sounds a really good place.
I can't believe how lucky I was If you think I had 3 hours to find a place and it was before even the sun was up.
Those people are really the real MVP.

My grandma is quite a lovable person, as I mentioned many times, It's hard not to love her. She lights up the place many, many times.

A funny thing, the head nurse told me that on Christmas Day they will super celebrate here, with a tree, with everything, but most of all, the "Michael Bolton" of my country will come and sing for the elders from the center. I lol-ed a bit, but was super-super glad as my grandma likes him a lot.
 

JohnGroban

Registered User
Oct 28, 2020
72
Today was a weird day for me.
A friend of mine, we know each other for 20 years now, we are not super, super close, but we speak a few times per week, told me his mother, a very healthy woman, suddenly passed away.
She collapsed with stomach pain and died 2 days later after they found a tumor, those type of tumors that are very, very rare.

It's really a really, really bad year.
 

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