My mum is 83 and recently been diagnosed with severe moderate dementia. Our family have had to take the heartbreaking decision to place her in a home as my father was finding it just too much looking after her at home. Initially she settled in well for the first few days and we were all surprised and relieved. Unfortunately this hasnt lasted and her symptoms have just become worse. When we visit she cries constantly practically begging us to take her home or at least out of the home. Sometimes she can be very agitated and when you go to leave becomes aggressive and so tearful, following you to the door pleading I take her with me. Tonight she has apparently lashed out at the carers, spitting and banging on the glass doors demanding to be allowed to leave. Any advise on how to handle this really would be appreciated. So unlike mum and so heart breaking to see. Your thoughts are much appreciated
Some advise please!
- Thread starter Concerned111
- Start date
There are no easy answers, and the period of adjustment I have read can be weeks but what is the choice? Don't feel guilty about the carers they will be used to it but your poor mum won't understand.
Some posters have found success in trying to persuade her it is like a little holiday for her so she can have a break and be cared for. Others haven't. I wanted to give you a warm welcome and to assure you that while my mum is not yet in the care home stage, there will be others along soon who have more advice than I can give.
Some posters have found success in trying to persuade her it is like a little holiday for her so she can have a break and be cared for. Others haven't. I wanted to give you a warm welcome and to assure you that while my mum is not yet in the care home stage, there will be others along soon who have more advice than I can give.
Sorry no-one has written to you before now. It really is heart breaking to hear of how things are with your mum. I would point out that, from experience and learning from other posters, our loved ones are usually fairly ok after you have left. A bit like a child's first day at school and tearful when saying goodbye but once you've left, they get immersed in other things. A bit of it comes down to occupying their time. Is there a favourite thing your mum was attached to at home? even a teddy bear/doll can sometimes work, for her to cuddle. Is there anyone you know that your mum doesn't know who can just hang around to see if your mum's attitude changes once you've gone? If so, this could perhaps reassure you but obviously I could be wrong but at least you'll know one way or the other and possibly work towards challenging it better?
Thank you for your answers. It is such a horrible disease, my poor little mum is just so confused by it all.
That sounds like a good idea as mum does have a teddy bear on her bed, so maybe that would help as a comforter for when I leave. My mum has always been a "traditional mum" caring for the family which has been her whole life, and it just appears that the move to the home is so distressing for her as has taken her totally out of everything she has ever knows. Unfortunately it was distressing to receive a call from the home saying they didn't quite know how to calm her down, really not their fault they seem to be very caring and a good home as all patients are dementia sufferers.
That sounds like a good idea as mum does have a teddy bear on her bed, so maybe that would help as a comforter for when I leave. My mum has always been a "traditional mum" caring for the family which has been her whole life, and it just appears that the move to the home is so distressing for her as has taken her totally out of everything she has ever knows. Unfortunately it was distressing to receive a call from the home saying they didn't quite know how to calm her down, really not their fault they seem to be very caring and a good home as all patients are dementia sufferers.
I know this maybe a long shot but having worked in the care sector for 16 years and reading your post you say your mum was fine then she has now become up set has anyone tested your mums urine as sometime a urinary tract infection may change your mum and her behaviour
Hope she settles but it is a big step and and very different from being at her own home with support from the staff I'm sure all will be ok and if your ever in a situation don't hesitate to ask questions staff are trained and will help you all they can
Hope she settles but it is a big step and and very different from being at her own home with support from the staff I'm sure all will be ok and if your ever in a situation don't hesitate to ask questions staff are trained and will help you all they can
Thank you, mum does suffer with urine infections and I believe they test her pretty regularly. But thank you for your advise, I will ask them to check again.
Perhaps you could leave your Mum when something is about to happen in the CH. For example when it's a meal time and she needs to go to the dining room? That way she won't actually see you going towards the door.
I know this is so difficult.My heart goes out to you.
Take care
Lyn T
I know this is so difficult.My heart goes out to you.
Take care
Lyn T
That's just what I was going to say too Lyn, I always take mum back just before a mealtime. My mum just usually asks when she will see me again, but I have had some of the other ladies ask if I will take them with me, and even that makes me sad for them too, so it must be so very hard when it is your mum xxx
The first thing I would do is speak to the care home manager and find out how your mum is when you are not around. Some people can play up when loved ones are around but the home then tells you that this is not the behaviour they see when she is there on her own. If this is the case then it can determine how you arrive and how you leave. For example, you can quietly arrive with no big fuss and you can leave in the same manner. For example, no big goodbyes, dad can get up and say he's going to the bathroom, then leave and wait for you outside. You can get up and say you're returning the teacups to the kitchen, go find the carer and tell them you are leaving so they can go talk to your mum. It could also be that if she is ok when you're not around that you consider visiting less often until she is well and truly settled. My mother after a while was more institutionalised and became more interested in what she was missing than spending dedicated time with us. We still visited regularly but tended to socialise with everyone in the lounge rather that going and sitting in her room with her on her own. This made sense because everyone else had become her extended family and we had to fit in with everyone else too. It wasn't just us, but other visitors all joined in too and this had the benefit that visitors were for everyone and didn't leave the ones with no visitors excluded. Same if we took cakes or biscuits or magazines in, they were for everyone and this worked well too.
Rather than using the teddy bear, you could try getting your mum a baby doll and a blanket. Introduce it by you sitting holding it and watch for interest. Ask her if she would like to hold the baby, then maybe she could watch it for you whilst you nip to the shops...then take your leave. Doll therapy can be very useful and can reduce agitation but also provide companionship and give a sense of responsibility too.
Hope this helps,
Fiona
Rather than using the teddy bear, you could try getting your mum a baby doll and a blanket. Introduce it by you sitting holding it and watch for interest. Ask her if she would like to hold the baby, then maybe she could watch it for you whilst you nip to the shops...then take your leave. Doll therapy can be very useful and can reduce agitation but also provide companionship and give a sense of responsibility too.
Hope this helps,
Fiona
Your post put across the points I was trying to make but yours was much more professionally put! I wouldn't rely too much on staff though because they could play things down to avoid the care home getting a bad name. I would prefer to rely on a family friend.
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