social services

[jellymac]

Hi

I wondered if anyone could help. My dad is my moms carer, my mom is very bad now, my dad has to do everything for her, washing dressing, toileting etc. We've been very concerned for my dad the last few months and last week things got a lot worse, we are really scared he's on the verge of a breakdown, he's very low and keeps saying he cant go on anymore. Last Friday we made the heart breaking decision between my dad, sister, brother and myself the we were going to have to look down the care home path. I called the council and I spoke to a lovely man, who I explained everything to, he was very concerned about my dad and contacted the social workers as an urgent case. When the social worker called me she was very oh well about the whole thing, I explained about my moms increasing aggression and her response was well take her to GP. Anyway my brother managed to get hold of her yesterday as we hadn't heard anything and she said a social worker hadn't even been assigned to my mom yet even though its classed as urgent. Is this normal the lack of action? We haven't really had to deal with them before so don't really know what to expect. Can I ask how it works, will they tell us where's available and we have to chose from that? My mom currently goes to a day centre and they also have a residential home but they have no vacancies, ideally my dad would like there as its really close. Can we go on a waiting list for somewhere or just pick whats available? Sorry for the many questions but we really don't know. We are all beyond heart broken, we were desperately hoping this wouldn't have to come but i'm scared i'll loose my dad as well if we don't. I cant seem to stop crying at the thought of my mom in a home, I don't know what to do.

 

[Clueless2]

Hi Jellymac,
Whilst I don't know the answers to the questions you ask (and there is absolutely no need for you to apologise for asking so many, we have all felt exactly the same at some point) I am sure that another TP member will be along soon who has relevant experience and advice to offer you.

The one thing that I would say is, I too would once have felt exactly the same way about my mum going into a care home. The reality is that your mum will not see the care home through the same eyes as yourself. It took me a while to get my head around that idea too. You may well find that once outside of her home (I'm guessing that she and your dad have been in for so many years) she will become calmer. It may well take weeks to achieve, but she will be in a safe environment, as will your dad.

In your shoes I would make an urgent GP appointment for your dad. Go with him, explain the home/ mum / dementia situation and be very firm that your attempts at involving SS have not produced the urgent result required. I believe keywords are "duty of care" and "safeguarding".

Other matters to deal with (if not already in hand) are Lasting Powers of Attorney.

Good luck, keep asking those questions

 

[marionq]

In this area you would ask to speak to the duty manager of the elderly care service if it was a matter of urgency. How disappointing that the SS have given you no support. Definitely get the GP onside to make an urgent referral and if you have CPN get their support too. Ours is great but I know they vary. Make a nuisance of yourself on the phone to SS to get through to them how bad things are.

 

[fizzie]

I would put her onto the waiting list at the home you want - at least they will have her name down and then you can find out the whys and wherefores afterwards but if her name isn't down you don't stand a chance.
Have you had her checked for a urinary tract infection - aggression if sudden is often triggered by a UTI.
Although the social worker might have seemed unfeeling actually going to the GP isn't a bad idea, often medication calms a situation and he can check for a UTI at the same time.

 

[jellymac]

Thank you for your replies! Clueless they have been in their house a long time, about 42 years, i guess its just the thought of not having my mom living there that i cant cope with. My mom and dad have been married 49 years and my mom was always the stronger one out of the two until my dad had to take over. When we had our family talk my dad broke down and sobbed, im 35 and i dont think ive ever seen him cry before. I did mention to the man i spoke to first about a carers assessment for my dad but the social worker hasnt mentioned that since. Marionq thank you i will call my dads GP and hopefully speak to see if he can help, i should have said the doctor my mom sees for her Alzheimer's has since sent a letter asking for urgent immediate help to SS, so hopefully that will help as well. Fizzie i didnt know if we could put her name down or not, im going to call them and ask. My mom did have a urine test about 10 days ago and it was clear. Another thing as well the last couple of weeks my mom hasnt wanted to get up in the morning, when my dad has gone to get her up shes lashed out and shouted/screamed at him. Is this part of her Alzheimers as well or maybe we should check her urine again.

 

[Nellybell]

Hi jellymac

So sorry to hear of your situation, it must be awful. Although my experience is not the same as yours I have found SS to be no more use than a chocolate teapot to be honest. Do you know whether your mum would be self funding? If she is, as my dad is then I would just bypass SS services and start trying to organise a care home yourselves, this is what I and my brother are doing and are almost there. If you are not sure if she will be self funding than pop a post in the legal and financial section on the forum and you will get lots of advice.

I have found the whole NHS and SS systems poor in all honesty, no communication, no information etc, hence taking it into our own hands to get what we think my dad deserves.

I wish you all the luck xx

 

[jellymac]

Thank you Nellybell. Im not sure if they would be self funding, they do have a very small amount of savings but not loads, something we need to look into. Its hard to know where to start when you've never had to go through things before, isnt it. I hope your dad gets where you would like him to be.

 

[fizzie]

I would definitely get the urine checked again - of course it may not be but if it is simple antibiotics solve it and relieve the stress. Always start with the easy ones!! If she does wear pads apparently you can now buy tena strips which are not cheap but they do the trick and then if it checks out positive you can just phone the surgery and tell them.

If you use the search for 'care home funding' you will find a lot of information.

Re the care home - you can usually put yourself on the waiting list and when a place comes up if you aren't ready you just tell them and they phone the next person. We had my Mum on a list at our best local care home and they phoned me several times over a couple of years but we never took up the place but we knew if it became urgent we would be next on the list - it is a good back up.

 

[jellymac]

Thank you fizzie, my mom does wear pads so that would be a good idea if we can find the tena strips, will deff get it checked again. About the care home im going to speak to my dad and see if we can get her name put down on their waiting list and check out other ones in their area, we haven't got a clue where there are ones and what they are like. We've never looked into things cause I guess none of us wanted to think about the possibility of a care home so now we need to look into things. I really appreciate everybodies replies, thank you

 

[fizzie]

Thank you fizzie, my mom does wear pads so that would be a good idea if we can find the tena strips, will deff get it checked again. About the care home im going to speak to my dad and see if we can get her name put down on their waiting list and check out other ones in their area, we haven't got a clue where there are ones and what they are like. We've never looked into things cause I guess none of us wanted to think about the possibility of a care home so now we need to look into things. I really appreciate everybodies replies, thank you

Well if you are going to look for care homes just in case then my first stop would be the local carers cafe where you get loads of insider information on the good the bad and the ugly! Always visit unannounced (just say oh we don't get much chance to have a look and we were in the area so we'd like to have a look around for my mum please) so that you see what it is really like but before I trailed round visiting I would check out the CQC reports and only visit the ones with a baseline on Good on the ratings http://www.cqc.org.uk/content/inspection-reports

and take along a checklist with you like this one http://www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/care-homes/care-home-checklist/location-and-building/
it's always difficult to know where to start and it might not come to it but it is better to be prepared than to go into crisis mode

 

[jellymac]

Thank you fizzie, i like the idea of the checklist, its a good idea to know things to say and check before hand, im going to have a look at that. I just feel guilty looking into things even though we have no choice for the sake of my dad.

 

[fizzie]

Thank you fizzie, i like the idea of the checklist, its a good idea to know things to say and check before hand, im going to have a look at that. I just feel guilty looking into things even though we have no choice for the sake of my dad.

Well if it helps at all I never ever thought of it as 'for real' only 'just in case' !!! It helped me move forward xxx