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Social Service battle - Respite eligibility?

Fiona P

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
19
And so the story continues

Dad getting very aggressive - Mum at end of tether

I called for the very first time, the emergency SS team - Mum not coping she now feels its time to talk permanent care home residency.

DTT team said that they will see if Respite can be brought forward

I have just spoken to SS ( I called them having waited all morning and had a quick tea break)

Apparently my dad does not fit the criteria!!! for residential
Can someone explain this - What is the criteria?

brief outline 9 years a dementia sufferer, 80 year old mum still has him at home ( doing sterling job) Delusions, sundowning, hoarding, pacing, hardly eats unless mashed up, personal care shot, wearing inappropriate clothes, aggressive, unable to cope without mum. Mum exhausted - only two full nights sleep since Christmas

Please help, anyone

Regards
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
london
What SS means is they dont want to pay:(
Are you able to self fund? If so, you dont need SS at all.
If SS need to pay, you lòok to have a fight on your hands. Enlist your local Alz Society or Carers Support to help.You will have to say very strongly that mum cannot manage any more, also mum needs to say it.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi, Angelface is right, they will want your Mum to actually say she can no longer care for your Dad, my Mums SW told me they had to hear it from Dad. However, nobody can be forced to care for another adult, you need to remind SW of this, are you able to take your Mum away from their house for a while?, if so you could say to SW that you are taking your Mum away as she is suffering carer breakdown and that your Dad will be a vulnerable adult and is their responsibility. Also contact your MP they are always banging on about keeping sufferers at home, but the carers need help and breaks if they are to do this. If you can't get your Mum away, keep calling SS every day if necessary and say she needs help and a break or she will suffer carer breakdown. It makes me so angry, when people have other illnesses their carers do get offered the help needed, why should this illness be treated any differently? Xx

Ange
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
Fiona, definitely call the Alzheimers society. I have done this in a not completely dissimilar situation to yours and it helped enormously.
Also perhaps you could talk to SS again every day!! and keep saying your parents are vulnerable and that you fear for their safety and are worried about what your mum might do (if you feel this is the case, and it will be if she isn't getting sleep)
Respite is really for the carer, to provide a break from what can become very exhausting caring non stop 24 hours a day. It's not so much for the dementia sufferer, though their needs have to be met by whatever is provided.

It may sound awful but I have seen on here that people have threatened to take the sufferer to A/E and leave them there, and this has apparently worked.

Try to keep a record of all your calls and who you spoke to and what was said, I know this is hard but it's worth doing.

I emailed the top person in SS about my parents and we got a visit the next day and respite a few days later. I did a lot of other stuff too but don't remember it so well now, it was a fight though.
 

opaline

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
182
Think you also have to get MUM'S GP on the case, too as crisis point is going to be reached soon, x
 

Fiona P

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
19
not self funding im afraid

I have a dr.s appointment at 5 pm for Dad and then mum - mum too scared to say owt in front of dad for fear of reprisal

I broke down on phone today to the doctor . I have no fight left im on my knees too and with a lively 6 year old to deal with its a double whammy

I will contact my MP too

Thanks guys I shall keep you informed

thanks for your words and advice :)
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Good luck Fiona :)

You shouldn't have to break down as you did to get help, but sadly that's very often how it is :( Don't hold back with the doctor.....he or she may be able to back you up with SS,

Sending you good vibes, will be thinking of you xx
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
london
Please try the local Alzheimers Society. I know each branch is different, but the one I went to had a wonderful outreach worker, who actually took on the SW on my behalf.
I know you feel you have nothing left to fight with, this way you might get someone on your side.
I also found SS took no notice of the GP. They are liable to offer you Prozac or whatever, but really you need practical help?
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,948
London
My OH is nowhere near as bad as that and there was never a question of not being eligible for respite but they took all the daily help like day centre etc into consideration and out of a maximum of 8 weeks a year I was only awarded 3 weeks a year, which vexed me enormously. This things are a law unto themselves and seem to vary per borough. No respite at all does not seem right though and I would put strong pressure on them to reconsider. Carer breakdown means they will have to look after your dad, as it's their duty of care.
 

Fiona P

Registered User
Dec 14, 2014
19
update

Mum went to doctor - broke down - told him everything - I did not hold back in fact I was quite brutal

I have a meeting today with SW and my Brother will be in attendance

Have followed up Dr Appointment with bullet pointed letter to ensure he has all he needs and have said quite firmly
" mum has admitted in your presence that at 80 yrs old she can not , does not want nor is able to look after him any more"

I have also put in writing that she nor I are under any legal obligation to look after him..


That wasn't a nice feeling my dad has been the best dad in the world, supported me, guided me stuck up for me.. yet now I'm letting him down. For his own good and contentment though, now I feel he needs professional care for his own safety and contentment
 

Pete R

Registered User
Jul 26, 2014
2,038
Staffs
yet now I'm letting him down. For his own good and contentment though, now I feel he needs professional care for his own safety and contentment
I know it wont stop the guilt but.....You are not letting your Dad down at all. :)

You certainly would be if you were not taking the action you are doing now. :)

I wish you luck and the strength to deal with the LA and SS.:)
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
You are not letting your Dad down, if he knew what was happening to him, he would tell you to get help for both him and your Mum, he would not want you both running yourselves ragged. Also you are having to also consider what is best for your poor Mum as I did for my Dad, since Mum went into permanent care she is cleaner and actually most of the time seems happier, I think this is because she is not being cared for by two exhausted, terrified, emotionally drained carers I really hope you get the help you are truly entitled to. No care company would ever employ an 80 year old, that is what I told SS during my battles to get help for my Dad. Xx

Ange
 

WILLIAMR

Account Closed
Apr 12, 2014
1,078
What SS means is they dont want to pay:(
Are you able to self fund? If so, you dont need SS at all.
If SS need to pay, you lòok to have a fight on your hands. Enlist your local Alz Society or Carers Support to help.You will have to say very strongly that mum cannot manage any more, also mum needs to say it.
I have to agree with this.
I have known son's / daughters who have had trouble getting SS to provide respite so they could go in to hospital.
What SS does not realise if the carer does not get their hospital treatment a time may come where there will be no carer.

William