So, what’s my Pauline been up to today?

[Agzy]

About 4 years ago my niece at 40, had a bleed on the brain and a stroke and lost use of her left arm and walking difficulties. After helping get her mobile at home I introduced her to a local walking group who have been amazing for and with her. Anyway, as a sort of thank you she held a bit of a getogether in her garden yesterday and both Pauline and I were invited and wonder of wonders, Pauline wanted to come with me. Initially she wasn’t comfortable but then my niece got out a set of Boules a game Pauline excelled at when we caravanned in Spain and Netherlands. Photo says it all and all worth the exhaustion she felt once home, a lovely lovely day.

 

[Sarasa]

That sounds like an excellent @Agzy day. Did your niece know Pauline liked Boules, or was that a lucky guess. Glad you both enjoyed yourselves.

 

[Agzy]

That sounds like an excellent @Agzy day. Did your niece know Pauline liked Boules, or was that a lucky guess. Glad you both enjoyed yourselves.

Her father in law used to caravan with us and it was his set that she used so he may well have told her but nothing said. As for quoits which was also played she had never seen it before but was very good.

 

[Agzy]

Yet another social milestone yesterday when her grandson phoned to say they were having a bit of a do for her great granddaughters 1st birthday and his opeing words were, “hi Nan I know you won’t want to but we are inviting you anyway.” As I was off to a wedding I indicated thumbs up and she told him yes but not me as I was going to wedding! The pause was palpably before he said he would pick her up and so it was she visited her sons house for the 1st time in 30 months. She says it went well and announced Joe was also a dad now (that also happened 12 months ago but one visit to us to introduce baby and nothing since) and she loved seeing the babies but couldn’t recall names of course. No reports photos or comments from her son or family yet on FB but for me it is a great change to the anisociaIIsing am used to.

 

[jennifer1967]

Yet another social milestone yesterday when her grandson phoned to say they were having a bit of a do for her great granddaughters 1st birthday and his opeing words were, “hi Nan I know you won’t want to but we are inviting you anyway.” As I was off to a wedding I indicated thumbs up and she told him yes but not me as I was going to wedding! The pause was palpably before he said he would pick her up and so it was she visited her sons house for the 1st time in 30 months. She says it went well and announced Joe was also a dad now (that also happened 12 months ago but one visit to us to introduce baby and nothing since) and she loved seeing the babies but couldn’t recall names of course. No reports photos or comments from her son or family yet on FB but for me it is a great change to the anisociaIIsing am used to.

babies can bring down the barriers. my husband goes to a gooey mess when the grandkids come and visit or when my neighbour brought in her newest grandson. he said the baby was cute and looked like a baby!

 

[GillP]

@Agzy , so pleased to read about these social events. Wonderful photos too.

 

[Agzy]

The past few days have been strange in that her eldest son has visitors and phoned last week to say he wouldn’t be able to visit. The cruelty (as I see it) of forgoing an occasional visit to a mother with dementia for spending 24/7 with a friend, albeit one not seen for some years, is unimaginable and demonstrates the opposite of what they profess to feel for her. As well as this her second son at who’s home she was at for the children's birthday's, failed twice to keep his promise to send photographers of her and the little ones so she had to phone him to ask for them. For her part of course Pauline sees no wrong in their actions whereas I see hurt so maybe the problem is indeed me.

 

[Knitandpurl]

Speaking as a mother whose son can also be very thoughtless Agzy, I forgive him and excuse his behaviour all the time - I don’t want to feel hurt or that he doesn’t love me, my husband (like you) feels hurt for me, and I constantly excuse my son, it hurts less. Funnily enough when my MIL was alive my husband was very critical of how little his elder brother visited/rang etc. and my MIL acted just the same as me and Pauline. Know this won’t help you feel any better about their thoughtlessness but maybe help you understand her actions are self protection.

 

[Agzy]

Speaking as a mother whose son can also be very thoughtless Agzy, I forgive him and excuse his behaviour all the time - I don’t want to feel hurt or that he doesn’t love me, my husband (like you) feels hurt for me, and I constantly excuse my son, it hurts less. Funnily enough when my MIL was alive my husband was very critical of how little his elder brother visited/rang etc. and my MIL acted just the same as me and Pauline. Know this won’t help you feel any better about their thoughtlessness but maybe help you understand her actions are self protection.

It is just so sad given the love, help and support she has given them throughout their lives and of course grandchildren mirroring their parents actions don’t help ?

 

[Agzy]

Our lovely next door neighbour is also our cleaner and has been having treatment for skin cancer and so changed the cleaning day from yesterday, Wednesday, until Friday, no problem for me. Then, yesterday afternoon the vacuum cleaner powers up and Pauline is on a mission to seek out all dust particles albeit in a haphazard way. This was followed by a wet mop across my feet as she arrived in the lounge sloshing water everywhere and me knowing that resigned acceptance was the order of the day. Shortly after that I came downstairs and the hot water tap was full on in the kitchen sink and no sign of her! After calling her she answered from outside where I found her cleaning the grid with the dish cloth and angry as I had turned off the tap. I know it is pure logic for her but her lifelong mantra of always using ‘common sense’ is clearly no longer an option.

 

[Knitandpurl]

Sorry Agzy, but the picture of her cleaning the grid with the perfectly clean waste water made me smile- so much for hose pipe bans eh? Went to visit my Mum (in Care Home) and came back to wet slabs and OH very pleased with himself- he’d been cleaning the paths with the garden hose - but he hasn’t been using the hose to water the plants so it’s all ok - as you say common sense and dementia do not mix. We have to smile.

 

[Agzy]

Sorry Agzy, but the picture of her cleaning the grid with the perfectly clean waste water made me smile- so much for hose pipe bans eh? Went to visit my Mum (in Care Home) and came back to wet slabs and OH very pleased with himself- he’d been cleaning the paths with the garden hose - but he hasn’t been using the hose to water the plants so it’s all ok - as you say common sense and dementia do not mix. We have to smile.

Oh yes ?

 

[Agzy]

Have been trying to persuade Pauline to take early morning walk due to the heat but she was adamant that ‘her’ walk was too long and she would only walk to bus stop and back but in the event she just took our normal route around ‘her’ walk and complaining constantly about it being too far but refusing to turn back when invited to. Her latest hate is all the Gaspipe improvements going on with holes, machines and men all over the place.

 

[Agzy]

This morning after heralding it since yesterday and written on the white board I went to get my haircut walking the 2 mile round trip and felt really good in the morning sun. But my return home was met with a barrage of expletives and anger as I’d “been gone for ages” and she was lonely (tell me about it). Anyway, all became calm until after lunch when another well heralded trip out arrived with her believing I was going to see a granddaughter but really I went off to my first carers meeting and just for an hour to see how it was like. Predictably I was the evil one when I got back and quite literally non stop complaints until her son arrives and it was ‘showtime!’ They stayed an hour and the frost returned and I am totally fed up by the non acknowledgement of what I do for her and being spoken to with such disdain and dislike. Yes I do know it is the disease speaking and not her but that changes nothing at my growing feeling of inadequacy and self pity, not something that is usual but is overwhelming.

 

[jennifer1967]

This morning after heralding it since yesterday and written on the white board I went to get my haircut walking the 2 mile round trip and felt really good in the morning sun. But my return home was met with a barrage of expletives and anger as I’d “been gone for ages” and she was lonely (tell me about it). Anyway, all became calm until after lunch when another well heralded trip out arrived with her believing I was going to see a granddaughter but really I went off to my first carers meeting and just for an hour to see how it was like. Predictably I was the evil one when I got back and quite literally non stop complaints until her son arrives and it was ‘showtime!’ They stayed an hour and the frost returned and I am totally fed up by the non acknowledgement of what I do for her and being spoken to with such disdain and dislike. Yes I do know it is the disease speaking and not her but that changes nothing at my growing feeling of inadequacy and self pity, not something that is usual but is overwhelming.

sometimes it starts chipping away. my husband was told this week that id done enough and he needed to do what he is capable of. it worked but hes not any where near as far as pauline. yes it can be the illness but the taken for granted gets to every one sometimes. you wouldnt be human if it didnt affect you sometimes

 

[GillP]

It’s hard. We do what we can and then do a bit more ... just take care and find. Time for yourself.

 

[Agzy]

Yesterday (Monday) along with my younger brother we made good the mess the so called professional Joiner made of the added stair banisters and this morning we completed a ‘half’ step from newly installed outside ramp into our hallway as the drop was over 4 inches and dangerous. Pauline most upset at brick dust and some wood shavings and sawdust even though all was cleared and Dyson given a thorough cleaning al by lunch. Given her mood I was not hopeful that she would agree to come to a local ‘DementiaTogether’ music event but so thankful that she did. A brilliant turnout and a lady singer/entertainer dressed in bathing costume and hat fro 1901 who had almost everyone singing song after song and many up dancing especially the jiving. By the time the 90 minute session was over we were both hoarse but still laughing about it in the car home. So thankful to have such a group of willing volunteers to organise these monthly get togethers.

 

[Banjomansmate]

It is great that the pair of you have something like that for you to enjoy together.
But I must admit that I feel a little sad as that was something that I was hoping The Banjoman and I could have continued doing together to help other people. For several years before the LBD took hold, for six Sunday evenings over the summer months we would go and entertain the holidaymakers at a volunteer run holiday for disabled people of all descriptions, it is how we started singing, putting a programme together using all his different instruments. It always felt so worthwhile. Even now, when I drive past the venue, especially on a summer Sunday evening, it brings back memories.????

 

[GillP]

So lovely to read about your outing @Agzy . It sounds wonderful, a memory to cherish.

 

[Agzy]

It is great that the pair of you have something like that for you to enjoy together.
But I must admit that I feel a little sad as that was something that I was hoping The Banjoman and I could have continued doing together to help other people. For several years before the LBD took hold, for six Sunday evenings over the summer months we would go and entertain the holidaymakers at a volunteer run holiday for disabled people of all descriptions, it is how we started singing, putting a programme together using all his different instruments. It always felt so worthwhile. Even now, when I drive past the venue, especially on a summer Sunday evening, it brings back memories.????

@Banjomansmate I do envy your musical moments and experiences as my only experience of ‘music’ has been via karaoke which I love; but in all our 27 years together she has shown no interest in music or singing until listening to the new DAB channel Boom Radio. Only since suddenly singing along with records from our youth she has taken to these events with pure joy. I am going to explore the possibility of getting involved as a volunteer and start one more local to us and get my local community involved.