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So upset ...

sheilarees53

Registered User
Apr 11, 2006
37
Beckenham Kent
Every time I go to visit mum in her NH she starts to cry and asks me to take her home with me. When I say I can't she says I don't love or want her anymore. I know it's the dementia talking but I find it so upsetting and often sit and cry with her.

From talking to my brothers she is not like it with them. I am her only daughter and we have always been very close but it is getting to the stage where I am finding it really hard to want to go and see her.

I know I will never have 'my old mum' back and we all have to make the best of a dreadful situation but is anyone else going through anything like this and if so how do they cope with it.

I suffer with severe clinical depression which is controlled with medication and I don't want to go down that road again and I am scared of it returning.

Sorry I am rambling but I love my mum so much and I find it so hard to see her the way she is now.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. Sheila
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Sheila,
Sorry that you are feeling so low today. How often do you see mum? Is she OK when you are not there?
It is natural that you get upset when you see mum upset - I know I would - it is not that you are slipping into depression, you have that under control, and I am sure that you know the signs in yourself to look out for.
Maybe it is right that you have a break from visiting for a while - send mum cards through the post, or letters for your brothers to read, a bunch of flowers - there are so many ways that you can show your love, without visiting, and just give yourself time to rebuild your reserves. My mum is too unaware to get upset, but sometimes I just cannot visit - doesn't last long - but sometimes we just have to take a little break.
Take care Sheila. You must look after yourself too.
Love Helen
 

clare

Registered User
Oct 7, 2005
31
Hi Sheila


I have to agree with Helen, sometimes you need to take a break from visiting. I have been in your situation. Dad and I would visit mum, she would become very distressed, especially when it was time for us to leave, both emotionally and aggressively.

I felt that we were just upsetting everyone, mum dad and myself, not to mention the rest of the nh.. I had a chat with our cpn and care home manager and they both said well stay away for a while. We then stretched the time between our visits. And in a funny way I felt less guilty as they had sort of given us permission not to visit.
I also thought that maybe it was time to let the care home do just that, the caring.

Like you I could feel the situation pulling my down also, then we are no good to anyone.
Look after yourself

Love Clare
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi Sheila

I could have written your post myself, the only difference is my mum has a complete hissy fit with me each time I visit and demands to go home, I wouldn't like to repeat what she calls me. The 'honeymoon' of her being OK with me when I visited her in the NH was very short lived.

Like you, I'm the only daughter, we were more like sisters than mother & daughter. My brother, she is fine with him (most of the time).

I'm still taking anti depressants and seeing a psychiatrist every week, I just left it too late to get help, and didn't see the depression coming, just too busy caring, worrying, putting up with dozens of phone calls a day and night before mum went into the home.

Mum's NH is fantastic, the staff are wonderful. Each time I phone, she is fine. Sometimes I pop in to see the staff, to find out how she is, and to take in little things for her, (you may have seen my post about clothing and sewing, ugh), but for now, I'm not seeing her. Mum is eating and sleeping well, even visiting the hairdresser once a week, prior to going into the NH it was a battle to get her to wash, so on overall she is doing 150% better than she was in her own home.

When ever I visited I ended up in tears for hours, yet according to the staff, mum had forgotten my visit, the upset etc. within minutes of my leaving. The NH staff have advised me to stay away for a while, and like you, I felt I had been given permission, so its OK not to go for a while. Yes, that nasty little guilt monster sometimes peers over my shoulder, but day by day I'm managing to knock him off.

I think the bottom line is, in some way we long for 'how it used to be', but that isn't going to happen, so we just have to deal with the here and now, and try not to look too far into the future.

I take a great deal of comfort from TP, our friends here are the only people who truly know what we are going through, that in itself is a great help, especially late at night, when I should be sleeping, instead sat here worrying about mum, who probably is fast asleep!!!

Keep smiling, and keep in touch.
Love
Cate
 

sheilarees53

Registered User
Apr 11, 2006
37
Beckenham Kent
Thank you to those who replied to my post.

Afterwards I thought I sounded so selfish at what I had written. It wasn't meant like that at all. I want to make things 'right' for mum and I know that is never going to happen.

At the moment I only go and see her once a week usually straight from work when she is about to have her tea. I sit with her and all the other residents whilst they eat. I look around me and feel so sad that all these people (about 46 of them - all with dementia) once had 'normal' lives with jobs and families. This disease robs them of everything including their dignity. The only saving grace is that most of the time they are unaware of what is happening.

Take care everyone. Love Sheila xx
 

Carla

Registered User
Oct 18, 2006
9
London
Sheila

I can so relate to what you have said. Adjusting to losing the relationship that you have had with your Mum is incredibly hard, I am dealing with that also, having had a sisterlike relationship with mine. I posted a thread this week and mentioned feeling guilty and the responses I received really helped, in particular the thought that if Mum were well she would hate for me to feel the way I do. She would probably get angry with me and tell me to go out and live my life. It's hard to remember this when you are faced with your Mum being upset.

Where you can take some space for you, a walk, a bubble bath etc etc and try to think that feeling guilty would not be what your Mum would want if she were well.

So incredibly difficult as you are obviously a very caring person.

Take care
Carla
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,246
66
Toronto, Canada
Sheila, I know this will sound bad but I'm a firm believer in telling lies if they make the person feel better. Perhaps you can tell your mother "when she's better" you'll take her home. "The doctor will decide when it's time to go home" - this takes the onus off you (hopefully). Or (the one that worked very well for me in the past) "The room is paid up until the end of the month - if you leave now, we'll lose the money".

Yes, it is sad to look around at all the residents & realize what different, productive and useful lives they once had. But that's gone now & it's our turn to take care of them & help them be happy.

It will get better, I promise.

Joanne