So torn

[andypandy]

Been to see another ch today for mum and yes it was ok one of my sisters knew alot of the staff and seemed happy but it was a nhs ch and needed a little tlc, although the rooms were very nice. I still know what mum will say and she will definitely withdraw from us.

When i am away from her my sensible voice wins saying we are only doing it for mums safety (she's fallen 2 nights running even with us here now and ive come in tonight to most of the kitchen cupboards open and cutlery and dishes all over the place - shes been bored today) but when i am here (shes in bed at the mo and im just waiting for the palliative care sit to come) i find i can't breath, and my emotional voice wins saying how are we going to tell her when it comes to it that she can't stay at home, how can we do that to her.

Feel like a duck floating on top but paddling for dear life underneath.

 

[Witzend]

You don't have to tell her it's for ever. Could you 'blame it on the doctor', e.g. he wants her to go just for a while, because of the falls? Or whatever you think might work. Depending on the state of her short term memory, you might be able to 'recycle' your reason over and over, until (we hope) she is settled.

Many of us here have been through this and know just how hard and heart-wrenching it is - you will always find a sympathetic ear here.

 

[susy]

I'm with Witzend, don't tell her it's forever. That would be cruel and counter productive. The Dr needing her to be assessed for a while, or some building work at her house that never actually completes but "it will soon" etc. all love lies. What's important is that the place you choose is good and caring. The wall paper peeling off is no indicator of care and love. You can go to a very plush place that looks perfect... The care could be great there but the state of the place certainly isn't an indicator of that.

Whatever happens, good luck with how you approach it. Well worth chatting to family about it so you all sing off the same hymn sheet. If anyone insists in telling your mum the truth then do refer them to here to ask the questions or to the Alzheimer's society direct x

 

[nellbelles]

I love the term love lies.

Subtafuge at its best.

My husband never thought he had been in the CH more than two weeks, well 9 months.

If anyone is not safe at home, and we love them we have to do what is best.

 

[Amy in the US]

Andy, sorry you are having such a difficult time. This is clearly very hard for you. I'm sorry.

I too was given the very good advice, of not telling my mother that she would be in the care home always. When she got upset, and she did get upset at the beginning, I would calmly say, I know you don't want to be here and I know you're upset. I'm sorry you are upset. However, the doctor said you need to be here for a while, just until they can get your medicines sorted out. I know you're upset, and I'm sorry. It's just how it is, for right now.

The care home staff were good about being with me for the move-in and the first several visits, and the very good nursing staff would back me up and help to distract her. We used a lot of distraction (in my mother's case, coffee and biscuits and ice cream). She did eventually settle and sooner than I expected.

You are not punishing your mother or being cruel to her or doing anything bad to her. You are seeing that she is cared for: safe, fed, warm, proper medicines, appropriate level of care, and company.

You clearly care about your mother or you would not be in such agony over this. You clearly want what is best for her. There is no shame in any of us not being able to provide 100% of the hands-on care, as well as all the other caregiving we do (finances, paperwork, arranging medical care, et cetera--don't think this isn't caregiving, because it is). It may not be the way you want it to be, but you are not a bad person, and you are not the bad guy. Dementia is the cause of this. Dementia is the enemy, not you!

Here is something I would not have believed if anyone had told me, before my mother went into the care home: she is so much better off at the care home, than she was in her own home. It's true! I can go on and on about the details, but it's really the best thing that could have happened in so many ways. The only thing that would have been better (other than never getting dementia) would be if she had gone into a care home sooner rather than later.