Hi, LS. Thank you for sharing about your background on here; it really does help to explain your situation. I think that all of us, with family members/friends with dementia, have an awful lot to deal with just in terms of the disease and its manifestations. The relationships that we did, or did not, have with the people with dementia, make it more complicated. Sometimes I think complicated doesn't even begin to describe it, and your situation is certainly worthy of complicated, and then some.
You have absolutely had more than your fair share to deal with, and then some. It's no wonder this is a multi-layered, complicated, difficult situation for you to grapple with. I cannot even imagine what this must be like for you. Of course you are confused. How on earth could you not be confused? Parents are not ever supposed to do, what both your parents did to you, repeatedly. Of course you're uncertain/ambivalent about how you feel about them, as your parents.
For what it's worth, and I know you know this but I am going to say it anyway: you never did anything to deserve what happened to you and I am genuinely sorry to hear your story.
I did want to reach out and say that several of your statements resonated for me, however. My background leaves out the outright abuse and neglect, but my mother was not capable of providing stable care for me past a certain age, possibly because of physical and mental health problems from which she suffered. In addition, or because of that, or for whatever reason, we've never been close emotionally and she's always been a very difficult person for me to deal with. I just about killed myself over the past two years, trying to provide support and care for her through a variety of medical issues, and, I know now, dementia.
I never liked my mother and never wanted to spend time with her. (Why would you want to spend time with someone who is unpleasant, critical, and mean to you, and who did such a rotten job of parenting you?) Whatever I do for her, I do because I feel I am doing the right thing and I am doing what I need to do, to be able to live with myself and sleep at night. Perhaps that is an element in why you continue to support your mother?
Like you, I think that most people who have a parent with dementia, presumably had some sort of relationship with that parent, let's hope a good one, and think how much more difficult it must be for them to lose that relationship to dementia.
I am not shocked that you would count the days until your parents are dead, and you therefore get relief from the day-to-day stresses and concerns. I feel about my mother, and often say to those who can handle it: that all of this won't be over until she's been dead, plus two years (that's to allow enough time to finish the paperwork).
I am sorry if you've already mentioned this in other posts, but are you an only child, or have you siblings? Any other family members in the picture? I am an only child, my mother is an only child, and her closest relative is an elderly cousin with medical problems. Since my mother is/was not really a nice person, she doesn't have friends. My parents were divorced when I was quite young and my father died over 15 years ago.
Since my mother was diagnosed with dementia about six months ago, I've done a lot of reading on the subject. I don't know if this is the case for you, but I get frustrated over and over by the books that talk about "your loved one with dementia," because while she has dementia, she is not my loved one, and then go on to discuss how the family should all work together and how to deal with your siblings and so on and so forth. I found one book that had part of one chapter that discussed being an adult only child of a parent with dementia. I thought that there must be other people who didn't have big, supportive families and who hated their demented mothers, but why aren't they in the books? And then I found TP, and found out, there are quite a lot of us here who are only children and have difficult or non-existent relationships with our parents. So while I admit I haven't heard your exact story, I am willing to bet you are not alone out there.
Also: how is your support network?
I know I would be completely around the bend, if it weren't for a couple of very good friends, my therapist, my husband, and EVERYONE on TP. I've also been making the rounds of the Alzheimer's/dementia/caregiver support groups in my area, and have finally found one or two that fit my schedule and appeal to me. I didn't think these would be helpful and was really very skeptical but I do find them useful. Also, did I mention TP? Someone on here said the other day, that TP was the only place where her feelings mattered, and I agree with that. It's also safe.
So I guess my point is to say that you matter, and your feelings matter, and you should come and tell us whatever you like, and we are here to support you, not to judge you.
I don't know if that even begins to touch the surface, but I could not read your posts, and not respond. I will be thinking of you.
