So stressed and a bit tearful

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
Since 11am this morning mum has not let up about going out to a function later today, but she doesn't want to be dropped off or go with me, so phone book in hand she's ringing round, everyone is saying no, some she has rang twice, people get annoyed and then lecture me to sort her out. Lack of understanding from them I guess and they're right she's not their 'problem' as one woman put it.
Mum gets cross when I say you have already rang all these people and they're not going. But still she insists calling others, I let her know she has already called them but then starts conversation all over again every 5 mins and it's now past 1pm and my head is exploding. I can't even distract her I've tried changing conversation, asking her to make bead bracelets, she's just not letting go. I don't understand how she is able to hold onto this thing so long.
Yes I've had a little cry in the loo which is now an everyday occurance, feeling helpless and it's horrible ?.
Feel like I've lost me along the way, who I am, my friends, my job. I so could do with a real friend right now who understands without running for the hills.
It got to me bad today so I needed to release.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
It was bad when my dad kept on and on about something but so much worse when other people expect us to be able to control their behaviour! I understand your frustration. Is there any way you could lose the phone book or would that make things worse?

I have to admit I just made myself unavailable when dad was at this stage and on one of his missions. Going for a walk or a bike ride helped with the stress. I think this is one of the most difficult stages... but it will pass.
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
It was bad when my dad kept on and on about something but so much worse when other people expect us to be able to control their behaviour! I understand your frustration. Is there any way you could lose the phone book or would that make things worse?

I have to admit I just made myself unavailable when dad was at this stage and on one of his missions. Going for a walk or a bike ride helped with the stress. I think this is one of the most difficult stages... but it will pass.
I have taken the phone off the hook upstairs and she believes it's out of order at the moment.
Your idea of a walk or bike ride sounds good to remove myself for a bit of peace thank you.
I don't like the fact that my personality is changing from the once bubbly happy positive where nothing could get me down type of person I was, that I am now lying alot to mum, to protect her from people judging her and I don't like doing it when you've always been honest and bought up not to.
I was such a positive person I never thought I would collapse like I have. Keep wondering how I will ever get back.
Thanks for your reply I appreciate it
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
I know. I felt terrible about having to tell lies to my dad or bend the truth to fit what he believed in. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t walked in these footsteps knows how it is. It certainly took its toll on my mental health and my daughters’. One of the most important things I realised was that I had to look after myself too and spending too much time with my dad was bad for me, much as I loved him.

I’ve found counselling helped me to get through the difficult times or sometimes just coming here and have someone say it’s ok to do something nice for me too...
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I am now lying alot to mum, to protect her from people judging her and I don't like doing it when you've always been honest and bought up not to.
Yes its hard, but there is no other option. If they are unable to understand the reality then you have to say something that they can understand. I have found this lying called "therapeutic untruths" and I found this concept helpful. We are not lying in order to deceive, we are lying in order to prevent distress when they can no longer be helped by the truth.
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
It can be so hard, disconnecting the phone and sayings it's out of order sounds like a good plan. I had something with mum a few months ago where she became obsessed with contacting an ex partner that she finished with 25 years ago and hasn't had any contact with since. She's not been able to use the phone for a few years now but that doesn't stop her constantly asking for peoples numbers sometimes. There have been instances where she has tried to call people without success and believes that they are blocking her which causes distress. In that case, I use the 'phone is out of order' excuse.
Thank you for your reply, I've let people have my mobile number should they need to contact me. Sometimes it all just comes tumbling down and when I feel I've lost my grip on it all its s horrible feeling. Thank you again.
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
Yes its hard, but there is no other option. If they are unable to understand the reality then you have to say something that they can understand. I have found this lying called "therapeutic untruths" and I found this concept helpful. We are not lying in order to deceive, we are lying in order to prevent distress when they can no longer be helped by the truth.
Thats so true we plod on, just gets all too much sometimes and outsiders sometimes don't want to know and that's where I feel 'if only you could understand and see for yourself, you surely wouldn't judge'. Thank you for your reply
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
348
0
I have the other problem - he doesn't want to do anything. Hasn't left his chair all day except when I dragged him out to the doctor's (see my other thread). Paid for a carer to come and take him to his memory café but he didn't want to go so I'm stuck in and unable to watch what I want on telly and have 5 minutes to myself. Sorry, don't want this to turn into my thread but I share in your frustration...
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
It was bad when my dad kept on and on about something but so much worse when other people expect us to be able to control their behaviour! I understand your frustration. Is there any way you could lose the phone book or would that make things worse?

I have to admit I just made myself unavailable when dad was at this stage and on one of his missions. Going for a walk or a bike ride helped with the stress. I think this is one of the most difficult stages... but it will pass.
I have the other problem - he doesn't want to do anything. Hasn't left his chair all day except when I dragged him out to the doctor's (see my other thread). Paid for a carer to come and take him to his memory café but he didn't want to go so I'm stuck in and unable to watch what I want on telly and have 5 minutes to myself. Sorry, don't want this to turn into my thread but I share in your frustration...
That's ok, it's not easy juggling to put your life on hold whilst trying to ensure PWD is ok in everyway. Sometimes all we want is a little times to breathe and recharge.. recharge fully would be great! Thanks for responding