so scared need help my mother has gotten worse

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by sandysan, Feb 5, 2016.

  1. sandysan

    sandysan Registered User

    Jul 12, 2014
    I don't know what to do or where to go I really need some help for me , mom is in hospital again she has had a fall and broke her ankle , now they are saying she had delirium as she has started hitting out now ,
    I went to see her last week in hospital , she was telling me she hates the sight of me , im the one who put her in hospital , she was pulling at my clothes and pushing hospital table into me ,

    I really love my mom altho she has been very horrible and cruel the things she says is on my mind all the time ,
    im scared when she dies , I don't want her to die , and them im going to be left blaming myself and thinking of all the things she said to me , and worst of all ending on bad friends because she says she hates me ,
    im scared to go visit her I don't want to see my mother like that , and I know she isn't going to get better ,
    im scared im really scared and depressed ,it scares me to and im thinking im going to go mad and crack up when she dies and I will be in a mental home , its torture

    any advice please
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Hi Sandysan

    You won't crack up when anything happens to your Mum because you know that you have done your best for her and that is all any of us can do. We do our best and plod on.

    I'm sorry that your mum has broken her ankle. You need more support at home for when she does come home.

    You need to visit her because it is her dementia talking when she says nasty things, not your mum, but she is frightened and alone and hospitals are not the greatest places for people with dementia, they need family visiting, helping them to eat and to drink and reassuring them. So you need to go in and do just that. Take in some hand cream and try to gently massage her hand or just sit and talk to her quietly, it doesn't matter what you say, speak to her of the past and of the good times, happy memories calm people down.

    You also need to visit her because there may be some decisions to be made about her care and you need to be involved in that because she can't speak for herself and she needs the person who knows her best to do that for her.

    She is saying things because fear and dementia make people say things that they do not mean. We all know that when we are frightened we do and say things that we would never normally do.

    You need to visit her because if you don't and something does happen to her then you will be very upset. Carry on doing your best for her and you will be able to live in peace and calm because you know that is what you have done.

    Nobody can take this painful and difficult journey away from you but we can support you through it and you need to support your Mum through this too. If you can, then get others to visit as well to take some of the pressure off you but you need to go.
  3. TooHard

    TooHard Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    The last twice our mum was in hospital was much the same - the delirium led her to believe she was in prison and being held against her will, the police were after her, the nurses were prison officers, there were clowns in the ward etc. It was horrible, especially when my sister or I were called (in the early hours) to reassure her and we were accused of "being in on it".

    Mum has NO recollection of any of this. None. It's likely that your mum won't either but it really does have a huge impact on us!

    When mum is poorly - which is quite often as she lives alone and won't accept any help - she is often quite unpleasant to anyone who offers to help. It's hard work resisting the temptation to leave her to it. Blaming the dementia should make it easier.

    I'm working on believing that none of this is personal - it's not always easy if you didn't have the best relationship in the first place. I'm finding the advice and reassurance on this forum is very helpful.
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011

    It is fear, my mum was the same. i know it was fear because in the moments when we talked she told me how frightening her world was and how she was afraid that someone would take her away and put her somewhere. The generation we are talking about still remember the work house, they had an awful time that we can't even imagine. My mum used to tell me that being taken away from her home which she loved was the worst thing that could happen to her. It's about being powerless and the more fearful she was the nastier she became.
    One of the worst things I have seen was when I visited a care home that used to be a workhouse and when I was younger and a practising speech therapist it was the geriatric hospital, I worked there and it was one of the worst I have seen. The whole town knew it and the older people were terrified and the most soul less and uncaring thing the stupid planners did was to allow it to become a care home because the older people dreaded it like a death sentence.
    Just because someone has memory loss doesn't mean that they lose their feelings and even when they can't name it, the fear is paralysing. I know because my Mum told me. xx
  5. aprilbday

    aprilbday Registered User

    Jan 27, 2016
    Washington, DC USA
    When you visit, Play some familiar and soothing music from your cell phone. Don't do much talking. Rub her arm if you can and just sit with her. Teach her to "just breathe". Take those deep breathes with her and just sit and listen to the music. Listen to your breaths. Every once in a while softly mention a good time she's had from the past-something she can smile about that will make her mind drift toward that time of happiness and away from confusion.
    You be strong. You have more strength than you know. Reach out to the 1800-Alz organization to talk-they are there 24/7.
  6. Northern75

    Northern75 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2016
    Hi Sandysan, I'm sorry your mum is in hospital and that you're feeling so distressed. Sending you a virtual hug. You must remember, when your mum says these things that seem cruel and horrible, it's the disease talking and not her. You obviously have a close relationship and love each other dearly - remember that and hold on to it. Where you're able to, take a couple of minutes time out and think about the happy times you've shared together. Is there anyone who can help you with caring for your mother? Although you love her, there's no shame in admitting you need a break - you need to care for your needs too
  7. witsender

    witsender Registered User

    Mar 24, 2015
    I know what you are describing because I had those exact same negative emotions running through me at various painful times throughout the past year. They are quite likely the darkest times I have ever been through, and I would not wish them on anyone.

    Perhaps it is like that for us because we are family members, therefore it goes right to the heart of our lives, no matter what kind of relationship we had before this all started.

    One of the best things about this forum is knowing that you are not alone. Others have experienced something similar, perhaps even worse. Yet the fear and the depression is not final. It can and does go away, even though it might return again, but you get stronger the more you realise that it is not you going mad, but the effect upon you of what your mother is going through. I can't really add anything to all the good advice others have given here, but I know it is not hopeless. You can get through it.

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