1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Oh I hate myself for coming on here and whining but I'm going to anyway...:(

    This weekend I've just been so sad about my mum. I think for the last four years I've been running on adrenaline - trying to get the diagnosis, battling with dad to a large extent, mithering every doctor in sight to get them to take us seriously.

    I think we've finally reached a point were the adrenaline stops and it was the stupidist thing but I was playing a computer game that my mum and I used to play together years ago and suddenly all the anger was gone and all I could remember was how things used to be before mum was ill. We lived together, worked together, socialised together and sat up til all hours of the night watching crappy B movies about murderous wigs and such like (the Toupe from Hell if you like that kind of thing!:D)

    There are hardly any glimpses of the mum I loved anymore although I'm lucky that she still likes to hug me and likes me holding her hand. She brought me a present back from her recent holiday with dad which was lovely (although it was jam and I've never liked jam - even as a child!), so I know I shouldn't complain but I just miss her so much you know?

    This is the dynamic woman who looked after me when my fiance died, comforted me when my dog died, helped me with job applications and promotions and organised my beautiful wedding.

    I know I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have but thinking about them hurts so much. To be honest I think I found the anger easier to deal with.

    I'm sorry I'm whinging but I didn't want to burden dad with this stuff - he has enough to contend with as he's only just learning to accept this himself but I needed to get it out...

    Kate P
    XXX
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Kate............just let it all out.

    It is so hard to look back and remember, but you are very fortunate really.
    You have 'good' memories. Yes you have been cheated of more time with your mum.......and yes it is hard. Try not to let it eat away at you.

    Everyone bears this illness in a different way. You can support your dad, here on TP we can help support you.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Kate, you are not whining. You are expressing your sadness at the loss of someone you were so close to. Yes, she's still there, but not the same person. You are grieving, and who can understand better than TP members, who all know what it feels like.

    Your mum was a wonderful woman, and now she needs you. You're privileged to give back some of the love and support she gave you. Fel angry if you need to, so long as that anger is focussed on making sure your mum has the best that she can have. But the pain will still be there, under the surface, and it's good that you can let it out here. We understand, and will support you.

    Of course you don't want to burden dad, but I hope you can let him know how sad you are? It will help you both if you can sometimes share your feelings -- as equal carers -- and bring you closer together.

    Please don't feel you have to hide your feelings, TP is always here for you.

    Love and hugs,
     
  4. reality

    reality Registered User

    May 31, 2007
    5
    OXFORD
    Another change to accept

    Hi
    I need to tell you that I hear your pain. I am new to this. My husband has early on-set vascular dementia only just had some answers after 3 long years of challenging everyone I could think of! I am feeling rather mixed emotions at the moment and can identify with you about the loss and sadness that this dementia thing causes. I have decided to face this as if it were another challenge of life in so much as another transition of our forever moving relationship, another new role for me! Having said that I have sat thinking of how things used to be. The role of protector that my husband had is no longer with us and I am having to search deeply for that inside myself. At the moment I look at him when he becomes unpleasant and has forgotten the beautiful ring he gave me for my 50th birthday 2years ago. I try to imagine that he is in another role, one that he would rather not be in. How long I can keep that up I don't know but, I'm going to explore this avenue for now! He was once a wizard at music quiz's, and now he forgets lots of his music. He played rugby for the local team in his 30s/40s and was a keen cyclist. He never talks about things the same anymore. I now watch him go off to the daycare centre another new acceptance one that I never antisipated, well not yet anyway. We have been married for 36years with lots of ups and downs and I am aware that this is a down time if I let it. In our relationship we worked at it to get through some periods of unrest. I am angry I am sad I am l fed up with this dementia thingy but to stay in that mind-set only confirms to me that I am lost in the confusion also. By the way he is 57
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Reality

    Welcome to TP. As you've already discovered, we are all struggling with this disease in one way or another, and we all feel angry and sad.

    It's particularly hard to accept young-onset dementia, you have been robbed of so much that you were looking forward to. I don't know how you come to terms with that, you just have to.

    Thank you for telling us about yourself. I hope you'll stay with us, you'll find lots of support.

    Love,
     
  6. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thank you all

    Thank you all so much for your replies and support - and to reality thank you for sharing your story - it helps to know I'm not alone with my feelings.

    Well, thanks to all your support - and the madness of the tea room giving me a giggle - I feel I can plough on renewed and ready to face it all. In that spirit I'm taking mum and dad to the pictures tonight to watch Harry Potter - hopefully it'll be lively enough to hold her interest and keep her awake and give dad a much needed "time off".

    It's so funny the amount of things that have to be considered now - a trip to the pictures for mum and dad means I have to go to in case mum needs the loo - it's just astonishing how much needs to be taken into account every hour of the day.

    I think that anyone of us will be fit for Prime Minster after caring for someone with AD - planning the running of the country - pah! it's nothing!!!:D

    Kate P
    XXX
     

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