So sad

[Milvus]

Mum went into a care home last month. She has gone downhill dramatically. I've just compared the photo I took of her today with one taken only 38 days ago and the difference is startling. She's very miserable, very down, very tearful. I couldn't raise a smile. She just wants to go home. All light and hope have gone out of her eyes. She's confused and lost.

I booked a garden visit so she could get out of her room but they couldn't bring her out because she couldn't understand to keep her feet on the wheelchair footrests. So she's sitting on her own in a small room with a bed, a chair and bare walls, her hair hanging long and unkempt because she can't see a hairdresser, no organised activities and no more than three people allowed in the lounge. I hope these covid restrictions ease before it's too late.

 

[Grannie G]

It must be heartbreaking @Milvus

I hope communal rooms will be able to accommodate more residents soon and your mother will become part of a community. I`m sure it will help her.

 

[MartinWL]

I sympathise because my mother as in a similar situation although well cared-for with tidy hair. Due to speech problems she can't have a conversation with anyone. She too wants to go home but her physical frailty means that is out of the question now, she needs 24 hour care. She is understandably miserable. She has said she would rather not wake up in the morning and I suspect I would feel the same in her shoes. I can't think of anything that I can do to make her last months or years happy ones. Covid restrictions have of course made things worse. Sadly old age can be very cruel.

 

[Lynmax]

Could you take in some things to make her room look more comfortable, items from your mums house? My mum has her own television, photos and pictures on the walls, ornaments, a cushion and a DVD player to watch her football team. We also make sure she has fresh flowers every couple of weeks as mum used to enjoy going into her garden to pick flowers.

My mum is not totally settled even after a year and is one of the more feisty residents but she is no longer asking to go home. It is a shame that there are no many activities for her to do although the home do their best under Covid restrictions but I know mum would enjoy more entertainment as she really does not enjoy the arts and crafts they offer - too babyish she says!

 

[Milvus]

Could you take in some things to make her room look more comfortable, items from your mums house? My mum has her own television, photos and pictures on the walls, ornaments, a cushion and a DVD player to watch her football team. We also make sure she has fresh flowers every couple of weeks as mum used to enjoy going into her garden to pick flowers.

My mum is not totally settled even after a year and is one of the more feisty residents but she is no longer asking to go home. It is a shame that there are no many activities for her to do although the home do their best under Covid restrictions but I know mum would enjoy more entertainment as she really does not enjoy the arts and crafts they offer - too babyish she says!

We took in some pictures and they put three up on one wall and the smaller ones on the windowledge but that still left the largest wall bare. Ten days ago I took in some more of Mum's pictures (she used to be an artist) but there was no sign of them yesterday. They had told me to leave them in the entrance beside the bin so I was worried they had been thrown out but I was told they haven't been put up yet because they are waiting to paint the wall first. (Mum had chosen a paint colour when she cared enough about such things, a couple of weeks ago. Now she can't even tell whether the wall has been painted or not.)
There's really nowhere to put anything in the room, just two small bedside cabinet sized drawer units. No table or other surface apart from the small windowledge. I asked if we could bring in a small bookcase but they are wary of cluttering up the room and causing a trip hazard but will consider it if I give them the dimensions. It's like a bare cell in there - just a bed and a chair. I would hate it and it's costing her about £1400 a week.

 

[Lynmax]

It’s nice that you have been able to put some pictures up but it’s a shame that the room is rather small. My mum has a large side board, a circular side table and two window sills so plenty of surfaces. I’ve not actually been in the room but the manager sent loads of photos when mum first moved in and it does appear quite spacious so I guess she is lucky.

I have no idea how much time she spends in her room though, although the activities are reduced to what they did pre Covid, I think they still offer some things and mum appears free to wander about. Her room has a window to the corridor which leads to the lounge so I understand mum enjoys sitting in her chair by this window watching what is going on and chatting to passing carers.

I just hope she is content and not too sad.

 

[Milvus]

It’s nice that you have been able to put some pictures up but it’s a shame that the room is rather small. My mum has a large side board, a circular side table and two window sills so plenty of surfaces. I’ve not actually been in the room but the manager sent loads of photos when mum first moved in and it does appear quite spacious so I guess she is lucky.

I have no idea how much time she spends in her room though, although the activities are reduced to what they did pre Covid, I think they still offer some things and mum appears free to wander about. Her room has a window to the corridor which leads to the lounge so I understand mum enjoys sitting in her chair by this window watching what is going on and chatting to passing carers.

I just hope she is content and not too sad.

Thanks. Unfortunately she is really depressed and wants to leave. Every day she gets worse and more confused and delusional. She has virtually lost touch with reality now. This is a lady who was cheery, chatty and bright a month ago and our only concern was that she was getting out of bed in the night and might fall. What have we done?!!

 

[canary]

I doubt that the care home itself has done this. Was she perhaps on a downward spiral already and this was why she needed to move into her care home? Can you talk to the manager and tell her your concerns? I wonder if something like an antidepressant might help.

With regards to cheering up her room. My mum was in a small room too. I took in bright cushions, a fleecy throw for her bed and a large soft toy rabbit. They made the room look much more cheerful and mum liked to cuddle the rabbit and talk to it. You could also try getting things to hang in the window - prisms and/or glass light catchers. Maybe a mobile to hang from the ceiling.

 

[AwayWithTheFairies]

I would meet the manager if at all possible and show the manager the photos and mention taking her out, even if you can’t really consider it. Meanwhile do Keep trying!! I got my mum a toy to rabbit for Easter and she loves it. The window decorations are a great idea @canary. Or a music player.

 

[father ted]

That must be so distressing for you to witness.
I am sure you thought carefully about the options open to Mum and concluded it was the most suitable but now it sounds as if you feel you jumped too soon.
Apart from the getting up at night and falls were there other concerns that you haven’t mentioned?
The decline could be down to dementia but triggered by the move with the resultant depression. Speak to the staff, maybe her GP could prescribe anti depressants? A long shot but you mentioned your Mum was an artist. Does she no longer enjoy this or is she unable to do it? Perhaps some art activity, which she has previously enjoyed and is good at would help. Could you or the home provide some materials for her to use or do it with her. I may be talking nonsense but I am sure you would try anything to make her happy.

I know how distressing this is for you. My Mum is currently very unhappy in her care home and it can tear you apart.

 

[Jessy82]

Milvus, I really feel for you , my mum was the same, she went in for respite to give me a break, my main concern was her wandering, she lived alone with carers coming 4 times a day and me calling inbetween. She was managing fine but the wandering was a worry, specially during the first lockdown.

The respite turned into 6 months and she went downhill fast, .she wouldn't shower or eat her hair was bedraggled , and ended up incontinent. I had to get her home, I decided to go live with her for as long as I can cope, and she has improved a great deal mentally tho still incontinent. I think I did the right thing at the time and still do, whether that's the case next year well see, but at the moment she's enjoying walks in the park cream teas in the cafe and drives out in the car while she is still able.

 

[Suze99]

Milvus it's such a sad situation and I really feel for you. We make the best decision we can at the time with the intention of keeping our loved ones safe. I think we all beat ourselves up and feel guilty whatever we do.

It's hard to know how your mum would have been if she'd stayed at home. She might have been better in familiar setting but might also have fallen and hurt herself and ended up in care anyway.

Hopefully as restrictions lift you will be able to visit more and having contact with you may well make her happier and more like her old self. You may be able to get her to engage with activities as and when they become available.

Take care

 

[Milvus]

I would meet the manager if at all possible and show the manager the photos and mention taking her out, even if you can’t really consider it. Meanwhile do Keep trying!! I got my mum a toy to rabbit for Easter and she loves it. The window decorations are a great idea @canary. Or a music player.

We sent the photos to the manager and said we were seriously concerned at this rapid and significant deterioration. They have seen the effect of the lockdown restrictions on all the residents but their hands are tied. So saying, restrictions have just been eased and we can now take her out for the day so hopefully that will help.

I showed a friend the photos a few days ago and she was horrified. She couldn't believe it was the same person.

 

[Milvus]

That must be so distressing for you to witness.
I am sure you thought carefully about the options open to Mum and concluded it was the most suitable but now it sounds as if you feel you jumped too soon.
Apart from the getting up at night and falls were there other concerns that you haven’t mentioned?
The decline could be down to dementia but triggered by the move with the resultant depression. Speak to the staff, maybe her GP could prescribe anti depressants? A long shot but you mentioned your Mum was an artist. Does she no longer enjoy this or is she unable to do it? Perhaps some art activity, which she has previously enjoyed and is good at would help. Could you or the home provide some materials for her to use or do it with her. I may be talking nonsense but I am sure you would try anything to make her happy.

I know how distressing this is for you. My Mum is currently very unhappy in her care home and it can tear you apart.

Mum had been declining little by little for the past couple of years but was only diagnosed in November. The changes had been very gradual, nothing like this sudden drop. She relied on carers to look after her but until she started getting out of bed she was safe enough. Both the GP and the hospital said after the last time she was admitted after being found on the floor that it really wasn't safe for her to live on her own any more, and we didn't want to wait until something serious happened. We also wanted the chance to choose a care home, not have her put into the first place available in a crisis.

She's really delusional now. She doesn't know where she is and believes she has been to all sorts of places and visited lots of people. She imagines all kinds of disasters have happened to members of the family and can't be convinced otherwise as she says she's seen these things with her own eyes. She imagines all sorts of people and animals are in the room with her. She hasn't learned the name of a single member of staff. She accuses the staff of hitting and punching her and making her walk through the whole building naked. I don't believe this but she does.These delusions are quite upsetting - it's very different from being forgetful, having words-finding difficulties, not coping with technology and sometimes making unwise choices.

As for the art suggestion, she took pencils and sketchpads in but they're probably in a drawer and she hasn't thought about them. She has no motivation anyway. She was also given a colouring type of book and she has made a couple of rough scrawls in it which a three year old could improve on. She's obviously lost her abilities.

Thanks for listening. I hope your Mum settles. It's so difficult knowing what to do.

 

[Milvus]

Milvus, I really feel for you , my mum was the same, she went in for respite to give me a break, my main concern was her wandering, she lived alone with carers coming 4 times a day and me calling inbetween. She was managing fine but the wandering was a worry, specially during the first lockdown.

The respite turned into 6 months and she went downhill fast, .she wouldn't shower or eat her hair was bedraggled , and ended up incontinent. I had to get her home, I decided to go live with her for as long as I can cope, and she has improved a great deal mentally tho still incontinent. I think I did the right thing at the time and still do, whether that's the case next year well see, but at the moment she's enjoying walks in the park cream teas in the cafe and drives out in the car while she is still able.

Oh, not an easy situation. It sounds like you've done what is best for your Mum but maybe taken a lot on your shoulders. Can you get more help during the day to give you a break when necessary? I know the feeling - I just want to take Mum out of there but it's not practical. I live far too far away and our house isn't suitable for her to come and stay. (I thought about bringing her to stay just before the first lockdown started, thinking it would be a matter of weeks, but realised it couldn't be done - stairs, bathrooms, carers.. ) I'm just hoping that the easing of restrictions will help as we can meet her more and take her out to do normal things.

 

[Milvus]

Milvus it's such a sad situation and I really feel for you. We make the best decision we can at the time with the intention of keeping our loved ones safe. I think we all beat ourselves up and feel guilty whatever we do.

It's hard to know how your mum would have been if she'd stayed at home. She might have been better in familiar setting but might also have fallen and hurt herself and ended up in care anyway.

Hopefully as restrictions lift you will be able to visit more and having contact with you may well make her happier and more like her old self. You may be able to get her to engage with activities as and when they become available.

Take care

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your observations. There's never going to be an easy solution so we're always going to wish we'd done things differently.

Yes, things were only going to get worse with Mum and it was obvious that we would need to make a decision about her care sooner or later. We didn't want to wait for a crisis but if we'd realised the effect it would have we might have played for time and hired someone to sit in the flat at nights though this would actually have been more expensive than the home - we did look into the possibility.

Restrictions have just eased and we can now take her out. It's been months since she has a hair cut so that's one thing which might make her feel better. Also going out for a meal, going to a shop, a drive to the seaside or through the countryside, etc etc. Something to make life recognisable again.

 

[Milvus]

I doubt that the care home itself has done this. Was she perhaps on a downward spiral already and this was why she needed to move into her care home? Can you talk to the manager and tell her your concerns? I wonder if something like an antidepressant might help.

With regards to cheering up her room. My mum was in a small room too. I took in bright cushions, a fleecy throw for her bed and a large soft toy rabbit. They made the room look much more cheerful and mum liked to cuddle the rabbit and talk to it. You could also try getting things to hang in the window - prisms and/or glass light catchers. Maybe a mobile to hang from the ceiling.

She needed lots of care and her safety was becoming a concern but she wasn't delusional and depressed as she is now. I'm sure it's the upheaval of the move that's responsible. Leaving absolutely everything familiar behind must be totally disorientating - home, belongings, carers, friends, family. How does a confused person make sense of that? There's nothing familiar to anchor her understanding to and her cognitive abilities have just blown a fuse and shut down.

We've taken in what we can to try to cheer the place up. She has been allowed to choose a paint colour for the walls and I believe someone was in painting a couple of days ago. I took in plenty of pictures but they were waiting to do the painting before putting them up. She also has familiar bedding and a cheery blanket but there are almost no surfaces to put anything else on. She does have a digital photo frame which is constantly showing hundreds of her photos from over the years. Flowers are not allowed unfortunately. A friend took some through but had to take them away again.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

Has she been tested for infection? My pwd gets really delusional with them. I don’t have any advice for you apart from that. I’m dreading this same thing happening with us and we’re getting very close to it now. I hope your Mum will be OK.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My mother was undiagosed, living alone, going out, completely independent though increasingly struggling with her memory, planning, household appliances, etc. But she was OK! Then she tripped and fell getting off a bus and ended up in hospital. She'd bumped her head though it wasn't a bad injury. However, from the moment I saw her in hospital I knew she could never return home. She was completely delusional and very much the same subject matter as your mum! Family tragedies, mistreatment, violence, being made to walk around 'the place' naked - exactly the same!
3 months later she was realeased from hosptial and I moved her to a care home. She never recovered really.

At first we were able to take her out for meals, short walks, etc, as she was still very mobile. But her cognition made this very difficult and she became incontinent and later broke her hip when another resident pushed her over.

I suppose what I'm saying is that people with dementia can take a big downturn for many reasons - sometimes it's just progression of the disease. (I'll never know if mum maybe had a TIA and that made her fall off the bus, or whether the (minor) head injury caused the deterioration.) If you'd taken photos of my mother the day before she fell and 3 months later when she moved to the CH, anyone would be shocked by the difference. She was greatly diminished in stature and looked 20 years older, with a wild look in her eyes.

Mum did not enjoy her time at the care home - almost three years. She was always angry, always unhappy, wanted to be anywhere but there. I'm afraid I never found any answers other than 'the doctor says...' etc. And all the delusions about family accidents, care home atrocities, etc, continued right to the end

 

[Suze99]

It is worth staff checking your mum hasn't got a urine infection. I think they can affect elderly people very badly and cause severe confusion and delirium.

I think unfortunately when you get elderly the mind seems to be very fragile and it doesn't take much to tip the scales from just about coping to going downhill quite rapidly.

I do hope that with more contact from family your mum has a better quality of life and you are happier with how she is.

Take care x