So sad dont know what to do

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by gillian69, Feb 8, 2008.

  1. gillian69

    gillian69 Registered User

    Sep 7, 2006

    Have been reading lots of posts trying to find answers and need to ask a few questions to find out how we can help now?
    Will try and keep a long story short so not to bore you:)
    We recently visited my mum and dad(160 miles away) to help dad sort out his car(pride and joy)Triumph Stag!!! He had fiddled and couldn't mend it so Jon my husband mended it for him.
    Mum when we were there, hid her tablet down the side of the settee as she thought it was dad's pill's and he was making her take them?( she is on Aricept)
    Then my dad said that she is driving, he said that when they see the doctor, they may give her a different medication that will make her better, i told him that she will not get better(in a nice way)feel that we are all trying to help him but that its not really helping.
    MY DAD bless him is trying so hard, but the house is getting dirty, mum doesnt do alot apart from search the phone book for past friends and family and talk about the past( going back to her home with her mum) which is long gone.
    Now mum has refused to sign papers to get cash out of their joint ISA, as she said it's her money that he's stealing it!!!
    She is getting really nasty towards dad and dont know quite what to do?
    They are at the specialist on Thursday.

    Can anyone help us out here, getting desperate, DAD is starting to struggle to control her.
    This week she took the car and dog and went to visit old haunts from her past, luckily one of those was the dentist!:eek: Dont ask!!!! Dad had to go pick her up??

    Please really need some sound advice


  2. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Oh dear... I'd be having a heart attack at the thought of my Dad driving:eek:

    Luckily, Dad gave up driving as soon as he realised he had memory problems 5 years ago. He went out and forgot where he was going and decided he was putting his passengers at risk. He litterally got rid of his car and that was that.

    Do they have any carers in to help keep on top of the house??? My parents live with me (we lost Mum 3 weeks ago) so they never had the hassle of housework/cooking at least. My Mum told me many many times that my Dad drove her crazy during the day when I was at work, and I am ashamed to say that I told her she was not tolerant of his illness:( I wish I had realised how bad it is, it's only the past weeks I have been with him all day that I have realised how challenging it must have been for her on top of her own physical illnesses.

    I would say, for your Dad's sake, make sure they get help/support and that your Dad get's some time out, as I am beginning to realise that it can be very very draining coping with someone with this illness.

    Best wishes.

  3. jimsandy

    jimsandy Registered User

    Jan 31, 2008
    Soldiers Grove
    so sad/gillian69

    Understand about the nastiness that a person gets when they are only have past memories of life and friends. Our mom in the nursing home was acting out with other residents and finally the nursing home staff had to intervene and send her to a facility that would help her. Possibly change medication, check to see if she had a UTI and other issues. Come to find out she did have a UTI and got put on some new medication to help the downward spiral of the disease, and on some medication for helping control how her body uses the glucose. Plus some medication for the UTI. So hopefully this will help clear up somd of the issues. Understanding that she will think that the monies are all hers and hopefully, someone can get a power of attorney to help both your dad and mom's situation. As that is what we did and helped immensely, so we could help pay her bills and make sure her monies were not being spent incorrectly. Hope this helps and hope that things work out for you soon. Each day can be a struggle, but you will get through it all with support from your spouse (if married ) and other friends and family too.
  4. gillian69

    gillian69 Registered User

    Sep 7, 2006


    Thank for your reply.

    WHATS A UTI???:(
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    UTI......Urinary Tract Infection
  6. Finding it hard

    Finding it hard Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    Hi Gillian,
    I remember his stage very well - it's exactly what my mum went through although she has never driven. The hiding the medication, believing Dad was stealing from her, she even accused him of getting up in the night to re-arrange all the furniture so that when she got up in the morning she thought she was going mad. I hope it may help to know that this is classic AD and not just your mum behaving very oddly. It is, perhaps, the hardest stage because you can’t help and the aggression gets weary. We took heart in the fact that the aggression didn’t always last – the time it took mum to get over something she was paranoid about became less and less and the disease progressed. In my experience, aricpet worked quite well once it was up and running. The other thing I found helpful was distraction – changing a subject quickly to something far nicer or more fun or pleasant, or distracting your mum with something she likes at moments when she’s angry can work quite well depending on exactly where she’s up to.
    Personally, I’d do anything to try to stop mum driving (even if it mean’s concocting a story about the car being broken). It’s so difficult though and only you will know what the limits are with restricting your mum’s ability to ‘escape’. This aspect of AD doesn’t last forever. My mum, who was extremely violent and abusive towards my dad, eventually became a sweet, happy-go-lucky old lady. We still had to keep the doors locked though:).
    My thoughts are with you.
    Finding it hard
  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Gill

    So sorry to hear of your problems, they are not uncommon, but they are to you.

    Re the car, you must tell the Insurance company of your mum's illness, they will probably not insure her. How you tell her that is a different issue of course! Can you get her GP to tell her not to drive?

    I think it might be too late to get a Power of Attorney, you usually have to get those before there is any sign of mental illness but you can go to the Court of Protection to get a Power, but I think it costs quite a lot. The bank/building society might be reasonable if you can provide a doctors note, to allow your dad access to the money. Try them, the Halifax weren't insistent on a POA (though we had one), just evidence of the illness.

    I hope you manage to sort things out, come back here for advice.


  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Can i interject here? I would be EXTREMELY cautious about approaching banks if you don't have an EPA/LPA - you might get lucky, but many of them will immediately freeze all the assets if there's a suggestion that capacity might have been lost.

    I'm a bit bemused by the comment about the joint ISA. An ISA can't be joint - could it be another kind of account?

    It may not be too late to get an EPA (although if she's being difficult she may not be willing to cooperate with signing one). Have a look here anyway
  9. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    Its the DVLA who should be notified of any patient with Alzheimers or Vascular Dementia
    They will either immediately revoke the drivers livcence or require additional testing

    For everyones safety and given the experience with my Mother who tried to claim her driving was perfect and shunned neighbours who told her 6 months before that she should give up it was only the DVLA letter and forms thats shocked my Mother so much the car never moved again and by the time she got the licence revoked letter she was resigned to not being able to drive

    The state of her car and all those she must have "hit and run " was testament to how bad she had got ........can only be thankfull no one was injured
  10. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007

    I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now.

    As Margaret said it may be difficult for your dad to get Power of Attorney (POA)over your mum now although we did manage it (just about!). You need to get legal advice on that matter as soon as possible - there's nothing to be gained by waiting at this stage. Actually while I think on if your mum and dad have ever made wills they may have already signed the POA forms (my parents and in-laws did).

    As to the driving - well we also had a terrible time with stopping mum driving. Dad let her drive despite my sister and my concerns. This is a subject that I do feel very strongly about because a car is a deadly weapon and frankly at this stage I would imagine that your mum's reaction times are not what they once were.

    Unfortunately, the insurance company and the DVLA were on no use to us at all. Mum's consultant asked her if she thought she could still drive and mum said "yes" so that was that!! I was horrified - of course she would say yes - she doesn't know there's anything wrong with her!!

    Eventually dad had to accept that he was putting other drivers (and passengers) lives at risk and he told her the insurance company said she couldn't drive because she had dementia. It was untterly untrue but we needed to get her off the road.

    I think you'll have to get your dad on board but this may provde difficult - you could try the DVLA/insurance route because the DVLA can fine up to £1000 for undeclared conditions and mum's insurance won't be valid so if she has an accident they could find themselves in hot water.

    Does mum have her own car? Could you just disable it?

    I hope things go well for you and you manage to resolve these problems. (Sorry if I've been a bit blunt).

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