Oh dear - this started as a short post but I seem incapable of them ... sorry to you, dear reader 
I've posted a lot about my difficult mother (who ISN'T the one with dementia, she is the carer who suffered a breakdown) and she never seems to get any easier. I feel like I'm wading through treacle with her. I am gradually reducing the amount of days a week I see her - mainly for my sanity but also to try and gently push her into regaining some kind of independence (which she fights tooth and nail, and will probably never be successful)
She doesn't like the sheltered accommodation where she lives (but then, she doesn't like anything much) and I am learning that I cannot make her happy, and I'm learning to stop trying to do so as I never will. The frustrations are enormous and many.
Today's ARRRGGHHHH moment came in the shape of my now being expected to know what she is thinking!
I took her out for lunch, as I usually do - she detests staying in the complex where she lives - she feels 'trapped' and anxious if she can't get out. I take her 'out' rather than staying in with her as otherwise she says she feels like she never goes anywhere.
She's not best pleased with me at the moment as I am, as I said, trying to wean her off me so I am never surprised when she looks a bit glum (she has what we call 'the face' - sad eyes, downturned mouth) when I have to leave her (I have a family and a job to upkeep as well!) but today I could see there was something else wrong. I refuse to ask her any more when she does 'the face' as I know it is her way of trying to force my hand and make me feel guilty/offer to see her more often ... eventually she worked her way round to what it was by first asking how my daughter was and then it came out 'I haven't been to your house for ages!' cue trembling lip ... that's IT? That's what all this performance is about? I get so CROSS having to try and guess what the problem is ... its attention seeking and it drives me nuts.
I try hard not to overreact so I just said - 'well mum, what day would you like to come round?' I think that floored her a bit as she said 'oh, erm, lets wait and see'
I think I have been a bit guilty of keeping her distant from my husband and daughter AT home, but we have all been out together quite a few times recently. The trouble is she's such hard work that everyone is exhausted afterwards. Not physically hard but mentally.
My 15 year old is pretty tolerant but when we've been out for lunch with mum (obviously her nan) its been a constant stream of negativity - we're sitting in the wrong place ... her coffee is too strong/weak/hot/cold ... they don't do Earl Grey tea ... we're having to wait too long for lunch ...
....my daughter even got it in the neck as she hadnt finished her meal 'so she wont get a dessert' (none of mums business and this is NOT the way I operate anyway - I dont do food blackmail - there are enough teenagers with eating disorders already, thank you very much). My daughter had her navel pierced recently and was told she had to wear a long top so my mum couldn't see it because it made her feel sick .. on and on and on.
She is a drain on the emotions - everyone feels like they have fallen into a black hole when she's around ... its just no pleasure. I don't seem to be able to find the words to tell her this though. If she was nicer to BE AROUND I'd want her around more.
Sorry for the rant ... maybe one of the new sub-forums should have been for rants!
I've posted a lot about my difficult mother (who ISN'T the one with dementia, she is the carer who suffered a breakdown) and she never seems to get any easier. I feel like I'm wading through treacle with her. I am gradually reducing the amount of days a week I see her - mainly for my sanity but also to try and gently push her into regaining some kind of independence (which she fights tooth and nail, and will probably never be successful)
She doesn't like the sheltered accommodation where she lives (but then, she doesn't like anything much) and I am learning that I cannot make her happy, and I'm learning to stop trying to do so as I never will. The frustrations are enormous and many.
Today's
ARRRGGHHHH moment came in the shape of my now being expected to know what she is thinking!I took her out for lunch, as I usually do - she detests staying in the complex where she lives - she feels 'trapped' and anxious if she can't get out. I take her 'out' rather than staying in with her as otherwise she says she feels like she never goes anywhere.
She's not best pleased with me at the moment as I am, as I said, trying to wean her off me so I am never surprised when she looks a bit glum (she has what we call 'the face' - sad eyes, downturned mouth) when I have to leave her (I have a family and a job to upkeep as well!) but today I could see there was something else wrong. I refuse to ask her any more when she does 'the face' as I know it is her way of trying to force my hand and make me feel guilty/offer to see her more often ... eventually she worked her way round to what it was by first asking how my daughter was and then it came out 'I haven't been to your house for ages!' cue trembling lip ... that's IT? That's what all this performance is about? I get so CROSS having to try and guess what the problem is ... its attention seeking and it drives me nuts.
I try hard not to overreact so I just said - 'well mum, what day would you like to come round?' I think that floored her a bit as she said 'oh, erm, lets wait and see'
I think I have been a bit guilty of keeping her distant from my husband and daughter AT home, but we have all been out together quite a few times recently. The trouble is she's such hard work that everyone is exhausted afterwards. Not physically hard but mentally.
My 15 year old is pretty tolerant but when we've been out for lunch with mum (obviously her nan) its been a constant stream of negativity - we're sitting in the wrong place ... her coffee is too strong/weak/hot/cold ... they don't do Earl Grey tea ... we're having to wait too long for lunch ...
....my daughter even got it in the neck as she hadnt finished her meal 'so she wont get a dessert'
(none of mums business and this is NOT the way I operate anyway - I dont do food blackmail - there are enough teenagers with eating disorders already, thank you very much). My daughter had her navel pierced recently and was told she had to wear a long top so my mum couldn't see it because it made her feel sick .. on and on and on.She is a drain on the emotions - everyone feels like they have fallen into a black hole when she's around ... its just no pleasure. I don't seem to be able to find the words to tell her this though. If she was nicer to BE AROUND I'd want her around more.
Sorry for the rant ... maybe one of the new sub-forums should have been for rants!
