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So now i can't leave the kids alone with him.

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
112
Last night I took my daughter (13) out. My o/h was alone for an hour before my son (17) came in and started cooking tea. My son noticed that his dad was agitated and crying (but that's not unusual). To cut a not very long story short my o/h had his son by the throat. Fortunately no one was injured, the pan of boiling rice didnt hit anyone, my o/h didn't have a weapon. My son phoned me in floods of tears and I got neighbours to intervene till I got home.

Phoned social work to ask for emergency respite. ...no one will take him because he might be violent. I don't blame them!

Next time i will just phone 999.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
277
That's awful your son must have been very frightened.
My dad pulled a steak knife out from under his lounge cushion recently the carer was very shocked luckily I had followed her into dads moments after she had gone in. Dads behaviour became more physically threatening two weeks ago when he was going to throw a very heavy glass bowl at the carer fortunately he didn't but I was called to go straight up to his home by which time he had calmed down. Crisis Team have been called in along with ASC being notified by his Care Company that they cannot carry on with dads care however until something else is in place they will continue along with the understanding a family member will also go at same time as them. Dad was tested for a UTI but results were negative we are now left waiting but think a CH is what is needed now to keep him and others safe.
Unbelievable that you are told no one will take him for emergency respite when you actually have children in your home.
Yes I believe you are correct 999 would have to be called if violent again.
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
112
I wonder why you weren`t referred to the Mental health Team immediately?
My friend said that, she said I should be pushing for a psychiatric in patient assessment . I think it's going to be monday before I can speak to anyone properly.
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
112
That's awful your son must have been very frightened.
My dad pulled a steak knife out from under his lounge cushion recently the carer was very shocked luckily I had followed her into dads moments after she had gone in. Dads behaviour became more physically threatening two weeks ago when he was going to throw a very heavy glass bowl at the carer fortunately he didn't but I was called to go straight up to his home by which time he had calmed down. Crisis Team have been called in along with ASC being notified by his Care Company that they cannot carry on with dads care however until something else is in place they will continue along with the understanding a family member will also go at same time as them. Dad was tested for a UTI but results were negative we are now left waiting but think a CH is what is needed now to keep him and others safe.
Unbelievable that you are told no one will take him for emergency respite when you actually have children in your home.
Yes I believe you are correct 999 would have to be called if violent again.
Its surreal isn't it? The stuff you learn to cope with. I employ a carer, shes cut her hours right back because she cant cope with the stress! I've been up all night because this is literally the only time I get peace to cry
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,442
Yorkshire
hi @Ruth1974
I hope your son is OK

personally, I would contact the police and make them aware of exactly what happened so they are aware and have it on record ... they are able to make referrals to Social Services and have been helpful to members

and I would contact Social Services again, by phone and email if possible so you have a 'paper' trail ... specifically say that your family feel threatened, that your OH's behaviour means he is a vulnerable adult at risk of harmimg others, especially your children who are minors, and at risk of harming himself ... remind them that they have a duty of care towards minors and vulnerable adults

you might also call 111 so they have a record, saying you are worried about your OH and your son

maybe am Admiral Nurse would be able to mediate for you

maybe discuss with your children ways to stay safe ... let them know it's good to walk away and keep distance if they feel there is agitation building ... go to the neighbours, have a safe room in the house with a door that locks and access to an exit (could be a window) and a phone ... and to call the police for help is sensible, even if it feels bad to do it

I hope ypu all have a settled day
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
112
Well everyone, thankyoi for your help. O/H is now in a nursing home, he won't be back. We are just so relieved, you can not imagine
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
421
This may seem an uncaring comment but isn't a healthy young man of 17 normally able to defend himself against an old man? I am not suggesting more than minimum force be used but I can't imagine that I would have let that happen to me at 17.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,969
Chester
This may seem an uncaring comment but isn't a healthy young man of 17 normally able to defend himself against an old man? I am not suggesting more than minimum force be used but I can't imagine that I would have let that happen to me at 17.
I don't think that is really the point - a 17 year old shouldn't have to defend himself in his home from his parent in this way. As was said no one was hurt physically but the mental scars live on.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,969
Chester
@Ruth1974 - so pleased to hear this for you and your children.

I hope you can now rebuild your lives and support your children to rebuild theirs. My daughter found school counselling services helpful and it might be worth getting your children to find out about these, or speak to their head of year to support them in this.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
950
This may seem an uncaring comment but isn't a healthy young man of 17 normally able to defend himself against an old man? I am not suggesting more than minimum force be used but I can't imagine that I would have let that happen to me at 17.
That is an incredibly insensitive comment
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
421
I don't think that is really the point - a 17 year old shouldn't have to defend himself in his home from his parent in this way. As was said no one was hurt physically but the mental scars live on.
Of course you are right. He is almost an adult but even if he were 18 he ought not to have to put up with violence. We know it was the illness causing the violent behaviour,. Perhaps others with experience can suggest ways to deal with that situation?
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,144
@Ruth1974 Sad situation for you all but I am glad that your husband is in a care home now and you must be relieved for yourself and your children. Nobody should have to live in an explosive atmosphere as it is just too stressful.

Wishing you some good times with your children.
 

Lyd

Registered User
May 27, 2019
84
I am so pleased things have resolved for your family. If your OH was to remain at home (might be useful for others) I think the comments about an emergency safety plan are spot on, making sure the home is as safe as possible removing potential weponds. plans for descalation, safe places to go. Who to call. As a mum of children who were carers when they were 15 and 17 its hugely tough for them.
To add to duggies-girl's comments as well as good times and times to relax if when you talk to them about their dad you focus on times before the illness, any good memories of childhood. positive do you remember when stories you will shape what they remember going forward.
Best of wishes to you all.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,131
Kent
This may seem an uncaring comment but isn't a healthy young man of 17 normally able to defend himself against an old man? I am not suggesting more than minimum force be used but I can't imagine that I would have let that happen to me at 17.
I don`t think it`s about self defence. I think it`s about respect for age and devastation for a son to see his father in such a state.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,952
Nottinghamshire
That's excellent news @Ruth1974

No-one should have to deal with that level of violence. My dad (in his eighties) was never violent but sometimes liked to get too close for comfort and even though any of us could've physically overpowered him it's never something one would want to do. It must have been even more worrying for you and your children.