So my mum didn't know it was my birthday

Discussion in 'Memory concerns and seeking a diagnosis' started by Bayliner, Jul 18, 2015.

  1. Bayliner

    Bayliner Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    1
    The dawn of realisation, it was my birthday this week and my dads and for the first time in 46 years my mum didn't know. She usually made a big fuss of me, and I am very upset, we haven't had a diagnosis yet and not sure what to do, me and my dad have been sort of ignoring it for 18 months pretending it's not real, that it's not happening as sometimes she's with us and oh ok it's all normal again. Feeling blue, lonely and not sure what next step is.
     
  2. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,971
    Suffolk
    #2 Spamar, Jul 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2015
    Don't feel blue and lonely you've got all of us!
    I had the same thing last year, OH didn't recognise wedding anniversary, my birthday, his birthday or Christmas. Now he's in a care home and so much worse!
    However, I am determined to celebrate my birthday at least. Lunch anybody?
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,851
    Female
    Scotland
    Even pre dementia my husband didn't remember any of the above apart from Christmas! Yes I felt hurt and neglected as a young wife but I toughened up in the light of all the good things he did do. As an adult you learn to roll with the emotional punches and with dementia you had better learn quickly.
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,020
    Yorkshire
    Welcome to TP Bayliner
    you've discovered here a wealth of experience and knowledge and support so post anything you want to discuss and you'll find someone will respond
    That 'dawn of realisation' has come to us all in some way. It's very tempting to put off the acceptance something is not the same and needs to be investigated, mostly so that now you can all look for the support you will need.
    And the first birthday not acknowledged just serves to emphasise the changing roles in a relationship - but twist that around a little and remember and celebrate that she cares so much to have made that day so special for family for so many years.
    Have a good mooch around TP and you will find lots of advice and help.
     
  5. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,971
    Suffolk
    Well, we always made a thing of birthdays and anniversaries ( except our 2nd, which we both forgot until got home from work and opened the post!). Think we were just so grateful to be together and be able to celebrate. We always had a big summer garden party as well - some bigger than others!
    So forgetting was a bit of a milestone. Now he's in care, I am determined to celebrate my birthday when it comes, even if it's only going for coffee with a friend!
     
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    OH has never been a big birthday celebrator, his or mine, so I know it's just another day. I was the one that always tried, still try to make a fuss. Even in days gone by when we did go abroad before the Parkinson's and the heart attacks it was always my birthday. Why not his I hear you ask? He's mid July, well 21st so always the busiest time of the year and the most expensive.

    You know what hurts most not being forgotten about by family, but by people I thought were friends on the net. Like here, we just say "Happy Birthday" to someone, Happy B/day on facebook you know social media. It is when even the whole world forgets you exist.
    Sorry way "Off Piste" again.

    And welcome to TP Bayliner
     
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,206
    Merseyside
    When is your birthday Spamar?
     
  8. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,971
    Suffolk
    Sent you pm, cat!
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Mum forgot my birthday this year for the first time too. I was terribly upset, so I understand. Everyone on here helped me make up for it though :D

    Happy Birthday

    [​IMG]
     
  10. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    325
    I'm another one who doesn't really celebrate my birthdays. I don't remember birthdays as being great once I was no longer a young child. However, my mum would always make a point of ringing me and my sister (twins) to sing 'Happy Birthday' and send presents. She felt a bit offended that we tended to let birthdays pass us by, as if it reflected on her as a mother. Our birthday is 27 January and, although I knew by that time this year there were problems, I still took it personally and was upset that I didn't even get a text, never mind a phone call or card. It felt as if I was no longer important enough even for her to know it was my birthday.

    After having to go through the process of applying to the CoP in order to become my mum's deputy, I finally had an official diagnosis from my mum's consultant to send to them. By this time she was placed on Section 3 of the MHC Act. The diagnosis was 'irrepairable cognitive impairment', which doesn't really explain that much. However, on the legal document, the consultant dated this diagnosis as being made on 28 January. I immediately realised that the non-acknowledgement of mine and my sister's birthday was not personal at all, and my mum would be horrified if she'd known that this was the situation. As things add onto other things, they help me to accept that the mum I had is gone, so now it's all about helping this new one.
     
  11. jen54

    jen54 Registered User

    May 20, 2014
    235
    mum doesn't remember our birthdays, or the little ones, or her own-when I said it was mine, she asked how old I was and said she doesn't do birthdays-I agreed and said we will both stay 21-
     
  12. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,654
    North West
    I know birthdays are very important for some people so I can understand your feelings. Different things press different buttons in all of us. Did you tell her, I wonder? If so,it would be interesting to know how she reacted.

    I'm sorry to say that along the journey you will have many other upsets like this and you may find some of them even more upsetting. Many, but not all, members have to accept at a certain stage that their loved one doesn't know who they are, for example.

    I find that I can cope with things a bit better sometimes if I try to put them into some kind of different perspective. So in this case it might help to think that when all's said and done a birthday is just another day that we've chosen to give a special importance to. People with dementia very often have days which are a bit better and days which are worse. Perhaps the next time you have a reasonably good day with your mum you could try hard to treasure it and then tuck it away in your memory as a counter-balance to the day she forgot your birthday.
     
  13. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I do know how you feel. Yesterday with my birthday and mum forgot - as she has done for the past several years, even though we are only just starting to query whether she has dementia.

    Do you know what hurts the most? She was insistent that I help her get a present for her friend's birthday, which is 30th of this month, but totally forgot mine. It makes me feel that she remembers the things that are important to her :(
     
  14. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,781
    Salford
    Hi Bayliner, welcome to TP
    My mum forgot my birthday a few years back (she lived with us) but my wife bought a card and gave it to her to sign. "Happy birthday Kevan"!!! since when did I spell my name that way.
    It's just another piece gone missing in the jigsaw puzzle that is the human brain.
    Anyway Happy Birthday from me Bayliner:D
    K
     

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