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So many things

Maldives13

Registered User
Feb 4, 2014
164
Good morning everyone. Really need to just write and get stuff off my chest! Mum has been in a care home now for 7 weeks. I am still struggling so much with the guilt of this. My brother and I own her house so we are in a situation where we have to sell her house to pay the top up fees. He is older than me so is also going to use his proceeds for his retirement. He is now 69 and Mum is 93. I am finding it heartbreaking to go behind her back and start clearing out everything and then sell the house she has lived in for 60 years. I feel like my heart has been broken and I don't know how to recover. I have started counselling which is good.
The home seems good - had a few issues about visiting but hopefully this seems to be getting better. Mum thinks she is working there but has been agitated a bit about not getting paid for working there! She wants money and even cried this week about not getting paid. She has done really well and I'm so proud of her. She does say she wants to go home sometimes to pick up a few bits but in the main everyone is really nice so she seems settled some days.
Please help me - I keep thinking there must have been a way to keep her at home longer. She has Alzheimers and someone told me she is better going in to a home while she can still get familiar with the surroundings. I don't know. All I do know is I want the very best for her and I'm not sure she is getting what she would want.
My heart aches every day with the guilt.
Thanks for just letting me write this x
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
715
London
I have read many posts on here and guilt is always a common thread amongst those who have to take over the reins. I am sure you left your Mum in her own home as long as possible but eventually you have to make the decision if it is safe to continue to do so. You obviously had concerns that made you make this decision in her best interest.
Don't feel guilty. She will settle eventually and you and your brother can continue to support her, visit her etc without worrying about what could occur whilst she is on her own.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. Be proud and satisfied that you are doing your best to make difficult decisions in the best interest of a loved one who is unable to make those decisions for herself. x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,607
South coast
HiMaldives
Mum went into a CH about a year ago and it is incredibly sad when it happens, although I was actually relieved as she was not coping at home at all. She is now settled, content and thinks the CH is her actual home and does not know that I am selling her bungalow to pay the CH fees. I am finding selling her home very difficult, it feels like I am robbing her or going behind her back, but I know that she will not go back there.

It is still very early days for both of you and you both need to adjust. Please dont feel guilty for doing this, she will be cared for and kept safe.
 

Maldives13

Registered User
Feb 4, 2014
164
Father ted - thank you. It just doesn't feel like I have done the best at the minute but reading other people's posts I can only hope that feeling gets better over time. Canary - bless you. My heart goes out to you as well. I have those same feelings. I think also I don't want to rush to sell mums home but my brother has now seen the money signs. It's an awful thing to say but he seems keen to hurry it along. I know it sounds ridiculous but I guess I want to put off the sale for as long as possible - just in case! Think I'm being naive but I just keep crying all the time. How long did it take your Mum to settle Canary? I feel so very sad most of the time. I have never felt so bad in all my life. I have gone through some dreadful times over the years but this is the worst feeling ever.
Good luck to you Canary as well. X
 

Maldives13

Registered User
Feb 4, 2014
164
Sorry - just as an add on! I feel like I want to run away for 6 months and come back and hope Mum will be settled! Do any of you dream of them getting better? What an awful time xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,607
South coast
I would say that it took mum a good couple of months to really settle. She had lost a lot of weight before she went in and her main complaint was that they wanted her to eat three times a day - even if she didnt feel like it! :rolleyes:
She has thrived since she has been in there, she has put some weight back on and made some friends. Her anxiety levels have come down as she no longer has to struggle to cope and although she still has delusions and confabulations they do not upset her like they did. She did not recognise any of her own things when a friend of hers and I took her to choose some things for her room, but we choose things that had meant a lot to her (pictures, a bed-throw and a couple of non-valuable vases/ornaments) to put into her room which she seemed happy with. The carers all seem genuinely fond of her, telling her to behave and giving her a hug or peck on the cheek if I take her out and it has become a pleasure to visit her. It really has been the best thing for her, even though it was hard for me.

It will get better as you both adjust.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,607
South coast
Sorry - just as an add on! I feel like I want to run away for 6 months and come back and hope Mum will be settled! Do any of you dream of them getting better? What an awful time xx
Yes, I think that we would all like a magic wand to get rid of the dementia.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,491
Suffolk
Sorry, have I missed something, you say you and brother own your mothers house, which is to be sold to pay for care? If the house is yours, it's nothing to do with mothers care, so why are you selling? As bro appears to have recognised the money from the house is his and yours, ( as the house is owned by the two of you), it's nothing to do with her.
Her care comes from her money or the LA or CHC, not you.
 

Maldives13

Registered User
Feb 4, 2014
164
Canary - thank you so much. I'm trying to take comfort from your words so thank you for taking time to reply.
Spamer - long story but mum was living in house. My brother and I are paying the top up fees and to enable him to have the money to do that we have to sell her house. He also has no private pension so has been waiting for this for a long time. Top up fees are high but Mum is in a good home partly funded by LA. we have to pay top up