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So many sleepless nights

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
Hi Everyone,
I am just so very tired all the time because I just cannot get to sleep hence my timing of this post my mind whirling around not only at night but pretty much all day too. Have been seeing dads dementia on almost a daily basis for just over three years but suspect he had signs way before his diagnosis.
My visit to dad on Wednesday afternoon went well no problems he was in a decent mood and I enjoyed my visit. Yesterday (Thursday) what a difference. I had arrived a couple of hours before his next carer was due thinking I would leave just before or on their arrival. This would be his third carer visit of the day his final one after that is to put him to bed at 9pm.

I asked dad if he would like a tea and cake he replied yes please so I popped kettle on and said I would just go upstairs to check his wash basket as it didn't look like there had been any further washing put in the machine from the previous day. Dad can get narky if I go upstairs and sometimes questions what I am doing. I put dads machine on and made his tea he wandered into the kitchen to have his cuppa as for whatever reason he stopped having a tea in his lounge quite a while back.
Well this is when everything with his mood changed he told me I had now put him getting his breakfast which sister cooks in jeopardy or words to that effect as he is absolutely obsessed about his cooked breakfast.
Dad constantly equates what is in his catheter bag with what he eats/drinks and sums up in his head if its sufficient in his eyes and will " earn him his breakfast" to be honest it drives me mad and its upsetting to see that he thinks whatever is or isn't in it equates to his receiving his breakfast. Dad kept looking at his bag I said did he want his tea or not it was his choice he hesitates thinking his bag would become too full I assured him it wouldn't and lady/carer would check again at 6pm. In the end dad agreed to let me empty his bag as he wouldn't have his tea otherwise and clearly he was wanting it. I told dad by the time the carer came at 6pm she would see it had got something in it as his tea would definitely have gone through him and into his bag trying to assure him he would always get a breakfast.anyway.
Carer actually arrived early said she was down to see him for 4.30pm whereas schedule I had from Care Company indicated a 6pm call. Dad reluctantly left his TV in lounge where he had settled back to and agreed to let her check his pad which she had to change as most likely his tea had now got him going.
I could hear dad shouting a bit at her but I had warned her when she arrived (out of dads earshot) that his mood wasn't great.
Dad returned to his lounge picking up his phone from the hallway and called my sister and said quite loudly "Your sister is here and creating chaos" she obviously asked him what he meant " She bought milk and a TV Book" he said, carer just looked at me and could see the frustration in my face. Next thing dad is standing in his kitchen and I was washing a couple of bits up he loudly declares in front of carer staring at me and says
" If I die tonight its your fault ". Carer left and once dads washing had finished so did I as I couldn't face his mood.

So my crimes yesterday were I made him a tea and cake thinking carer not due for two hours, took him milk and his next TV guide book and did his washing..
I say crimes because according to my sister they will be seen as such she just loves to pick on me, tells me not to visit when carer there despite fact she is there on their morning visits, tells me not to make him a tea or cake as I'm interfering with carers role and regarding his washing well she likes to complain that I don't do enough to help out but then usually makes sure I can't by beating me to it when I go around five afternoons a week and can put a wash on no problem and it will save her at least one other job.
Any advice on how to stop my head/brain from whirling around its like I cannot switch off I can be awake almost all night and barely ever catch up so I'm just so mentally exhausted. I just want to be able to stop thinking about dad and his dementia and situation with sister.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,646
South coast
Has your sister started contacting you again and is doing things for your dad again now, or are you still being expected to pick up all the pieces? Hard to do, but try and shrug it off. Your dad was confused - probably sundowning - and knew something was wrong (not realising that the Something was actually him), so it all became your fault.

I suspect that you are tired and stressed and I honestly think you are going to have to step back.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
I only wish my sister would agree to sit with myself and someone not emotionally involved with dad it would be my hope that she could see how unreasonable she was being and the distress she is causing. I have even suggested it but got no response whatsoever.
My sister has become a total bully since I stopped going into my dad every other morning at the end of June 2019 due to my partners progressing Parkinson's he also had a heart attack in May 2018 resulting in three stents being fitted. I have said to her that I will support in any manner I can but leaving my partner in the morning is no longer possible. I have said dads washing, shopping collecting dads medications and ordering his WF frozen meals I can sort out and If necessary I can take him to his appointments at GP surgery which are usually made late morning due to his care visits and literally 3 minutes walk from his home. I can't be going into him every morning as she does but it is still help is it not?.
Dad has a dog which she walks but again I can walk him later in the day on the days I visit dad but offers I make are either totally ignored or responded to by what she feels is my lack of care not only for dad but her own health. My sister has her own issues and family problems but at the end of the day it is her choice what she chooses to do I have respect for what she does but I have also said she does too much. We arranged for dad to have care as he lives on his own, carers have been coming in for over two years but we have supported him well too before carers came in and every day since our mother died in August 2016. Unfortunately my circumstances with my partners health have enforced changes to the system we had going but she refuses to accept it and as a result has spent the last six months being as nasty and cruel as she can. My sister doesn't know the meaning of calm discussion its impossible to speak with her on the phone, please read my update to Canary on the reply she has done to my post below. I will do that shortly. I do spend time with dad reminiscing over all the family photographs he has around his lounge of which he has many and he likes to chat about his days when he was in the Navy but his moods are not always good enough to do that and he doesn't want to chat or even appreciate my being there. Thank you for your post and support.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Umm basically - what @canary said! you have enough on your plate & if your sister cannot appreciate that then that’s her issue not yours.
your priority is your OH first, I’m sorry but his health & your happiness is a of paramount importance. Of course take your Dads dog for a walk but define your roles & make that clear to your sister.
You are in a no win situation, be the happy daughter popping in with a tasty treat for Dad for tea.
As your sister wants the routine she’s set, step back & give it to her.
Don’t give your sister ammunition- she obviously has a different relationship with your Dad.

Sadly personality traits don’t improve with dementia, they become exaggerated by sundowning & the diseases progress.

By continuing the routine & pattern you are sadly making a rod for your own back.
How about - just walking the dog, telling your dad I’m here to walk the dog. Defined parameters. It sounds as if you could do with some me time & a walk with pooch might just give you that.

The carers can check washing etc, - I have this down for Mum & she has 4 visits a day.

You obviously can’t change your relationships with your Dad or sister, both are adults & set in their own ways, but you can change how you react to them. It’s difficult - believe me & takes constant working at but you can alter how you react.

people respond on a base level to your emotions & reactions, by changing the way you react you will change the way they respond. I have done this myself through gritted teeth at times! But it works !!!

You need to find a coping mechanism that works for you. Non confrontational, & with no emotional response from you. Not easy. believe me !! But do able.

I’m so sorry that you aren’t sleeping well you have my sympathies but sadly this situation is what it is & all you can do is your best. That doesn’t mean anyone can take out their frustrations on you, or be emotionally cruel in their behaviour to you.

When Mum used to get mean I would react - my husband pointed out how much pleasure my Mum gained from my reactions.

So I started to walk away at that point, go for a walk or go back home. But I realised that to was a reaction, so I tried not reacting & Mum baited me more. I find keeping the parameters of my visit to certain boundaries & a set routine means a more positive experience.

You can only offer help to your sister, she obviously likes to have control of the situation.
Walking the dog at a specific time will help your Dads day be broken up & give his routine more structure. Don’t ask too many questions, if I ask Mum how she is .....

if your Dads fretting about the bag, say the carers do that & they will be in soon. Define the parameters between carer & daughter, then your Dad won’t have course to ring your sister.

This seems hard but when this situation starts you need to remove yourself from it

I’m sorry but you are in a no win situation here. So put you & OH first. Believe me the more defined roles of care are the better in my own experiences.

take care & take heart.
You are a lovely person & you need to breathe a bit yourself
Xx
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
Has your sister started contacting you again and is doing things for your dad again now, or are you still being expected to pick up all the pieces? Hard to do, but try and shrug it off. Your dad was confused - probably sundowning - and knew something was wrong (not realising that the Something was actually him), so it all became your fault.

I suspect that you are tired and stressed and I honestly think you are going to have to step back.
Hi Canary,
Yes I have heard of sundowning but as I visit dad in afternoon I'm probably visiting him at worst time although he can be aggressive at other times especially with carers and pad checks etc.
So things with sister have got much worse. Its a long post apologies but it helps to get off my chest.
I forwarded to sister my email to dads care company on Friday last week same day as sent to them which was basically saying that dads morning calls were not early enough.
I said I was concerned as I had no idea what my sisters plan would be regarding going into dad either this week or indeed long term, the following day Saturday's call was not until 11.15am meaning dad in bed for 14 hours. I was polite showed concern for dad but explained I couldn't go in her place because of my partners health. I received an equally polite email back from them saying that they could not supply dad with a earlier morning call that they appreciated it had been something we had requested before but that the arrangement according to their records was that a 11am call is what they had agreed with Adult Social Care..They said that at this time they could still not offer a earlier call and that earlier calls dad had been getting were only because they had " managed " to fit his call in earlier on those days. It was suggested that they would apply to ASC to get dad a extra 15 minutes added to his already 45 minute call in order to cook him his full breakfast.
If this was not suitable then they said we would have to contact ASC and ask them to find dad another care company to supply him with calls we were happy with.

My sisters response:
I had obviously upset the care company !! SHE was happy enough so I have to assume now nothing has changed not even the extra 15 minutes.
I called my sisters home line on Monday as I decided that as she hadn't asked about dads dementia review which I took him to on Thursday last week thought I should tell her about how it went. I didn't email as yet again after nasty emails going over the same stuff and her request not to email I rang her instead.
The call started with a very abrupt sister I however was calm and polite not wanting to argue.
I said I had called as I thought she would like to know about dads review.
I asked dad she said and he said it was fine which of course he would.
I went on to explain that the nurse had suggested now was the time to try and encourage dad to try some respite indicating it would be best re: him adapting for longer term care ( not in his home but Care Home ). Dad hadn't been interested.
I also said that medication for his aggression needed a consult with his GP nurse said it could be done via a call back service so dad need not necessarily go into see his GP the nurse and I were discreet in front of dad. I followed up by saying that I had been in contact with the GP and he had said due to dad living on his own any further medication could not be used, dad is already on 10mg of Donepezil and it was the maximum dose.
So sister having listened then went into her normal mode of picking on me questioning why I couldn't go into dad asked me numerous questions about my partner.
Can he walk? YES, does he use mums old wheelchair? YES I use it for town, Doesn't he use his scooter then? YES but he doesn't need to get out of it at shop but he has been told not to walk out of home without assistance and he can't walk far anyway. Can he sit in a chair? YES of course he can. Well if he can do that why can't you get up and go into dad then? suggested I get up and go into dad for 7am and return to partner for 8am.
I replied that I wasn't prepared to do that I'm sure dad wouldn't appreciate being woken that early and the bottom line is partner is not to be left medications aren't taken during the night but he does have to get up during night between 2-4 times due to bladder issues we are both tired. I tried to resolve the morning call with carers but she has turned it down.
Sister then suddenly lashes into me and for some unknown reason starts telling me she has a good sex life !!!! husband can still push her buttons etc etc so I reply well if you have the energy great for you but I really don't want to know. Sister says I call my partner my partner but we don't even have a sex life so its not a proper relationship. I know I am anonymous on here so assume I can mention I don't want to offend. Its true and she knows this but as I said given his age and health its to be expected it doesn't bother me and that it makes no difference to what a relationship is. Apologies but this is how low she can go. Told me I didn't deserve the £30 dad put in my birthday card in 2018 but admitted that I had offered her half the money as dad had not given her anything on her birthday that year which was 5 months earlier.
Sister slammed phone down again her usual response.

I then received a email telling me off for calling her stated that my email to care company had only been all about me and partner not dad when first half was entirely about my concern for dad and the morning call not being early enough and not knowing what her plans were. I obviously explained why I couldn't go in as they had asked if I could.
Email then slated me said I was furious at the thought of having to step into her shoes for a few days that she has done far more for dad than I ever have despite having done exactly the same for 2.5 years says I am no carer, she has everything that I haven't Love, Joy and Contentment. Sister was nasty about my partner, my daughter etc etc told me I was bitter she was the sister who took the right path, I got divorced after 20 years of marriage have now been with partner twenty years. Ended email by saying don't contact me by email leave any notes at dads and if I feel the need to reply I will.
I left two notes/letters at dads one sealed one not. Sisters response was to email me says she had "Shredded" my letters without reading what a waste of time she says so having felt I had a right to reply she denied me it. I just won't communicate with her any longer how can I.
At risk of mentioning Partner his Parkinson's specialist that we saw at the hospital on Monday was astounded at her lack of understanding and I actually said very little to him. Partner has indeed progressed a medication change for afternoon is needed he has lost a stone in weight over the last 6 months according to their records and scan done just prior to Christmas indicates bone is thinner than usual for his age so is now having a supplement for that. Specialist say we should apply for Blue Badge and although we should get it would be happy to supply a letter in support of our application should we need it. Specialist confirms that falling would be more likely in the morning also confirms we are correct in using wheelchair and mobility scooter as per OT advice and unfortunately no medication is available to prevent the falls as is part of his Parkinson's condition. Bloods done for weight loss but I'm thinking its down to all the stress as partner feels bad for all the backlash I'm receiving from sister.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,646
South coast
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Wildflowerlady

People with parkinsons need a lot of caring. Your sister is strongly in denial.
I think you have done everything you can to explain your actions and all your sister has done is throw it back in your face.
I think you will just have to step back. Im sure this will create a crisis, but I think that is about the only way that your dad will get the care he needs. You may want to contact Social Services to explain the change in circumstances.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,187
Aren't we the lucky ones @Wildflowerlady, we both have saint's for sisters!!?ll

My sister declared herself mum's only carer and was unbelievably hostile and aggressive towards me.
I think the root cause was that good old phrase 'sibling rivalry'.

My sister has always tried to get one over on me, she's well schooled in the art of one-upmanship. Her problem is the fact that, although we are sisters, with the same upbringing, we don't have the same values in life.
She was never really interested in mum's care, which was proved when mum wanted to live with my family. The point was to be 'the important one', which was fine with me.
We let her get on with things, until we discovered the extent of the neglect that mum was enduring and the cruelty that sister and BiL were using towards mum.

My lovely, gentle mum finally stood up for herself and said what she wanted. We will never know what mum told her SW, frankly I don't want to, but it was enough for SS to put safeguarding into place to keep sister at arm's length. Funnily enough, we haven't had any contact from sister for over two years now.

The one thing I didn't do was reply to any email/text/letter. I didn't want to inflict the hurt that my sister and her family sent our way. It was very hard not to retaliate, but in hindsight, I'm so glad we didn't name call back, we have clear consciences knowing we haven't caused deliberate upset.

I think that's the message I want to pass on @Wildflowerlady, you can't control your sisters behaviour,but you can control yours. Let her play the martyr and organise your dad, all the previous advice is brilliant, and you still have a part to play in caring for your dad, but knowing you haven't sunk to her level is what will give you a good night's sleep because you won't have any regrets.

Your number one priority is your husband and your sister must be very mixed up if she can't understand that; you're doing a really brilliant job supporting your OH and dad, your dad has dementia, so his upsy downsy days are to be expected, please don't let your sister's unkindness bring you down.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
Umm basically - what @canary said! you have enough on your plate & if your sister cannot appreciate that then that’s her issue not yours.
your priority is your OH first, I’m sorry but his health & your happiness is a of paramount importance. Of course take your Dads dog for a walk but define your roles & make that clear to your sister.
You are in a no win situation, be the happy daughter popping in with a tasty treat for Dad for tea.
As your sister wants the routine she’s set, step back & give it to her.
Don’t give your sister ammunition- she obviously has a different relationship with your Dad.

Sadly personality traits don’t improve with dementia, they become exaggerated by sundowning & the diseases progress.

By continuing the routine & pattern you are sadly making a rod for your own back.
How about - just walking the dog, telling your dad I’m here to walk the dog. Defined parameters. It sounds as if you could do with some me time & a walk with pooch might just give you that.

The carers can check washing etc, - I have this down for Mum & she has 4 visits a day.

You obviously can’t change your relationships with your Dad or sister, both are adults & set in their own ways, but you can change how you react to them. It’s difficult - believe me & takes constant working at but you can alter how you react.

people respond on a base level to your emotions & reactions, by changing the way you react you will change the way they respond. I have done this myself through gritted teeth at times! But it works !!!

You need to find a coping mechanism that works for you. Non confrontational, & with no emotional response from you. Not easy. believe me !! But do able.

I’m so sorry that you aren’t sleeping well you have my sympathies but sadly this situation is what it is & all you can do is your best. That doesn’t mean anyone can take out their frustrations on you, or be emotionally cruel in their behaviour to you.

When Mum used to get mean I would react - my husband pointed out how much pleasure my Mum gained from my reactions.

So I started to walk away at that point, go for a walk or go back home. But I realised that to was a reaction, so I tried not reacting & Mum baited me more. I find keeping the parameters of my visit to certain boundaries & a set routine means a more positive experience.

You can only offer help to your sister, she obviously likes to have control of the situation.
Walking the dog at a specific time will help your Dads day be broken up & give his routine more structure. Don’t ask too many questions, if I ask Mum how she is .....

if your Dads fretting about the bag, say the carers do that & they will be in soon. Define the parameters between carer & daughter, then your Dad won’t have course to ring your sister.

This seems hard but when this situation starts you need to remove yourself from it

I’m sorry but you are in a no win situation here. So put you & OH first. Believe me the more defined roles of care are the better in my own experiences.

take care & take heart.
You are a lovely person & you need to breathe a bit yourself
Xx
Hi Desperateofdevon
Thank you I will be looking at changing things in order to relieve my stress whilst not losing sight that he is my dad, will offer support that I can comfortably give. I need to gain back some confidence. You correctly observe sister likes to control and my resistance to her demands which I cannot fulfill are what have driven her to be so nasty. No more allowing interference from sister will be a good starting point. Thank you for your kind words its so easy to forget that I really am a nice person when someone has done their best to undermine my confidence.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
Aren't we the lucky ones @Wildflowerlady, we both have saint's for sisters!!?ll

My sister declared herself mum's only carer and was unbelievably hostile and aggressive towards me.
I think the root cause was that good old phrase 'sibling rivalry'.

My sister has always tried to get one over on me, she's well schooled in the art of one-upmanship. Her problem is the fact that, although we are sisters, with the same upbringing, we don't have the same values in life.
She was never really interested in mum's care, which was proved when mum wanted to live with my family. The point was to be 'the important one', which was fine with me.
We let her get on with things, until we discovered the extent of the neglect that mum was enduring and the cruelty that sister and BiL were using towards mum.

My lovely, gentle mum finally stood up for herself and said what she wanted. We will never know what mum told her SW, frankly I don't want to, but it was enough for SS to put safeguarding into place to keep sister at arm's length. Funnily enough, we haven't had any contact from sister for over two years now.

The one thing I didn't do was reply to any email/text/letter. I didn't want to inflict the hurt that my sister and her family sent our way. It was very hard not to retaliate, but in hindsight, I'm so glad we didn't name call back, we have clear consciences knowing we haven't caused deliberate upset.

I think that's the message I want to pass on @Wildflowerlady, you can't control your sisters behaviour,but you can control yours. Let her play the martyr and organise your dad, all the previous advice is brilliant, and you still have a part to play in caring for your dad, but knowing you haven't sunk to her level is what will give you a good night's sleep because you won't have any regrets.

Your number one priority is your husband and your sister must be very mixed up if she can't understand that; you're doing a really brilliant job supporting your OH and dad, your dad has dementia, so his upsy downsy days are to be expected, please don't let your sister's unkindness bring you down.
Hi Dimpsy,
Such wise words its so easy when someone else writes what I see myself but find so hard to accept when I am feeling so low and put down..
Sister does want herself to be seen as " The only daughter that cared for her dad " has sought to destroy my confidence even prior to these last six months when I am actually capable of being a sensible functioning human being that does have empathy and compassion. Your post has many similarities to my relationship with my sister. It makes you wonder how two siblings can be so different doesn't it but truth is it has always been noticeable to me that we were not alike.
Yes my conscience will be clear I haven't responded to any of her previous texts and emails in a nasty manner only to try and explain my situation, what I can actually do and of course to ask why she has made comments which are not necessary and more often than not completely untrue. She hasn't even got her own statements correct when repeating them.
I will never sink to her level but will stand firm and be grateful for all the wonderful support that OH and I feel we now have.from all the lovely people on here. I don't think anything will make her feel differently towards me so now no more emails texts or contact and hopefully we can just make sure dad has his needs met in our own way. I don't doubt she thinks she is doing her best for dad but at what cost emotionally and physically to all of us..
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
112
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Wildflowerlady

People with parkinsons need a lot of caring. Your sister is strongly in denial.
I think you have done everything you can to explain your actions and all your sister has done is throw it back in your face.
I think you will just have to step back. Im sure this will create a crisis, but I think that is about the only way that your dad will get the care he needs. You may want to contact Social Services to explain the change in circumstances.
Hi Canary,
I am just so done with trying to reason with my sister as last week really showed me she doesn't want to try and improve the situation or relieve herself of some of dads care.
I need to be able to get on with my life now without spending every single moment thinking about her and what she's doing to me. Its destroying me even my daughter bless her that lives over 300 miles away is totally exasperated as she knows if she calls me and asks anything about her granddad and how things with sister are going she is going to end up listening to me rattle on.
Its all taken over our lives so much, my sister and situation with her has now superseded sensibility over dad and what he really needs.
I hate to say it but I will have some further relief when dad is in care 24/7 as that is what I think he will need very soon. The decision will be Social Service's as dad will need some LA funding however I will be his advocate if he becomes in danger of being left living at home too long..Hopefully I will get back into a normal sleep pattern such as it was.
Thank you for your support and hugs X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,646
South coast
I think this way of thinking is the right way to go
The decision will be Social Service's as dad will need some LA funding
Thats why I suggested that you contact SS to let them know about the change in his circumstances (ie you wont be able to do so much for him as you are having to care for your partner now) I would make it quite clear to them that he now needs more support. Your sister may refuse it, but at least the change in circumstances will be on their records.
I will be his advocate if he becomes in danger of being left living at home too long.
I think that is right way to view your role now., because I agree - hes going to need a care home pretty soon.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,127
South East
Aren't we the lucky ones @Wildflowerlady, we both have saint's for sisters!!?ll

My sister declared herself mum's only carer and was unbelievably hostile and aggressive towards me.
I think the root cause was that good old phrase 'sibling rivalry'.

My sister has always tried to get one over on me, she's well schooled in the art of one-upmanship. Her problem is the fact that, although we are sisters, with the same upbringing, we don't have the same values in life.
She was never really interested in mum's care, which was proved when mum wanted to live with my family. The point was to be 'the important one', which was fine with me.
We let her get on with things, until we discovered the extent of the neglect that mum was enduring and the cruelty that sister and BiL were using towards mum.

My lovely, gentle mum finally stood up for herself and said what she wanted. We will never know what mum told her SW, frankly I don't want to, but it was enough for SS to put safeguarding into place to keep sister at arm's length. Funnily enough, we haven't had any contact from sister for over two years now.

The one thing I didn't do was reply to any email/text/letter. I didn't want to inflict the hurt that my sister and her family sent our way. It was very hard not to retaliate, but in hindsight, I'm so glad we didn't name call back, we have clear consciences knowing we haven't caused deliberate upset.

I think that's the message I want to pass on @Wildflowerlady, you can't control your sisters behaviour,but you can control yours. Let her play the martyr and organise your dad, all the previous advice is brilliant, and you still have a part to play in caring for your dad, but knowing you haven't sunk to her level is what will give you a good night's sleep because you won't have any regrets.

Your number one priority is your husband and your sister must be very mixed up if she can't understand that; you're doing a really brilliant job supporting your OH and dad, your dad has dementia, so his upsy downsy days are to be expected, please don't let your sister's unkindness bring you down.
Wow @Dimpsy , you could of wrote that about my sister ! So another one in the club here , I have blocked my sisters emails and phone number and boy do I feel better already, I have kept a dignified silence . It’s the only way to handle her . @Wildflowerlady you have done brilliantly juggling everything , I wouldn’t give her a second thought . She is the one with the issues not you , her life is far from perfect as she feels the need to tell you so much . Take care you are doing grand .
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,435
North West
I was just reading this thread and thought I can identify with some of this, especially the 'sibling rivalry' and 'power status' people think they hold on someone or a situation. My brother is soo different to me and it shows in everythng he does and says. I used to get the 'as I am the eldest....' until I told him to jog on. He knows better than me because he knows everything and thinks that everything belongs to him -I won't repeat my answers to those last two items on his agenda. In my situation my brother hasn't bothered to visit mum in the last four years other than on her birthday, at Christmas and the odd rare pop in only to upset mum when he did visit her -going on about selling the house and her money -as usual.

As others have said do what you have to do and ignore the siblings attempts at saboutage -it's tough but unfortunately you do have to put your foot down on occasions to get your messgae clearly heard and digested. Makes me mad how families behave including my own.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Oh boy families! I think not responding to your sister is the right thing to do - you can only take so much and agree your OH needs you more. Don't feel guilty about it, we only have so much capacity to give and you have to prioritise that going forward. We have stopped all communication with BIL who said that everything was always about me and the OH - well perhaps if he'd not been so nasty, vindictive and actually cared about his mother (1 visit for 2.5 hours in15 months) then it would have been justified. We have cared for MIL for 8 years, 4 years since diagnosis - he has never even called us to ask how she was or if he could help. We have found a care home for the MIL and she goes in just under 3 weeks, there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, I think you have reached that point.