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So isolated and alone

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
I never thought my 40s would be like this, isolated, stressed, exhausted and above all lonely.

The role of a carer to someone with dementia is the worst job in the world, so called friends and relatives treat you like you have Ebola...I am trying to be positive thinking one day soon I will have my life back...hopefully, trying to hold it together like everyone else on here. Could fall asleep at my desk at work right now I'm that tired but soon I have to return home to a flat that smells like a sewage plant :( sorry, just venting or I will implode


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RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Rant away, girl. Do you have to continue or is it time for CHs? *virtual hug*
 

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
It is time for a care home but I need to sort out alternative living arrangements and with the current bout of depression, I can't think about what to have for dinner tonight let alone Something big lol. All ability to multi task is gone at the moment, maybe it's the tiredness though


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skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
107
Ramsgate
Feel free to rant, this place is good for unloading.

With you on the sewage smell - it took me weeks to find the source of a horrible pong in my mum's bungalow, eventually tracked it down to the toilet brush in the toilet which I then replaced and chucked the old one out. Don't know why it was smelling, I don't think she could even smell it herself though as she doesn't seem to notice these things now.

And you will get your life back eventually - I'm lucky my sister is sympathetic and I can unload on to her when it gets really bad and my mum's sister is also sympathetic, but there's not much practical either of them can do to help, my aunt is 88 and older than my mum and my sister is recovering from breast cancer. Not everyone on here is holding it all together either, I think everyone will have felt like you at some point or other.

Do you have carers going in while you are at work, and if not, would this help you? Have you had an assessment from Social Services? I found Kent County Council SS very helpful when I called them. They should be there for you as well as for your mum.
 

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
Reablement provide a carer at the moment until the agency carers start which will be in a week or two. I don't think this can go on much longer as things are...I just want my life back. I can't even have friends back anymore...which has now led to my isolation, I feel this has stolen my life from me :(


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skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
107
Ramsgate
Reablement provide a carer at the moment until the agency carers start which will be in a week or two. I don't think this can go on much longer as things are...I just want my life back. I can't even have friends back anymore...which has now led to my isolation, I feel this has stolen my life from me :(
So it has, I shall confess to two terrible thoughts - when my mum went into hospital to have her hip replaced - she hadn't been diagnosed then but she was certainly not the ticket. I actually hoped she would die under the anaesthetic - isn't that awful?

Also my best friend lost her mother to a stroke a few weeks ago - she also had dementia (vascular) but far, far worse than my mum. And I was jealous. She's free (thoroughly upset, grieving and devastated, but free) and I'm not.

I'm thoroughly ashamed of these thoughts, but I'm guessing I'm not the only person ever to have had them in these circumstances.
 

Summerheather

Registered User
Feb 22, 2015
160
Reablement provide a carer at the moment until the agency carers start which will be in a week or two. I don't think this can go on much longer as things are...I just want my life back. I can't even have friends back anymore...which has now led to my isolation, I feel this has stolen my life from me :(


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I'm with you on all of it. Everything about this disease as far as help is concerned from the Authorities is based on money - we have no lives and they're just concerned with cost, we're not even worth a respite bed!!! The treatment of people with Alzheimer's and their carers is a National disgrace.
 

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
I'm with you on all of it. Everything about this disease as far as help is concerned from the Authorities is based on money - we have no lives and they're just concerned with cost, we're not even worth a respite bed!!! The treatment of people with Alzheimer's and their carers is a National disgrace.
Oh completely agree yet it's reaching epidemic proportions...if this is what's in store for me in old age I'm off to Switzerland. A bad thing to say but I'm not hanging around



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Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
So it has, I shall confess to two terrible thoughts - when my mum went into hospital to have her hip replaced - she hadn't been diagnosed then but she was certainly not the ticket. I actually hoped she would die under the anaesthetic - isn't that awful?

Also my best friend lost her mother to a stroke a few weeks ago - she also had dementia (vascular) but far, far worse than my mum. And I was jealous. She's free (thoroughly upset, grieving and devastated, but free) and I'm not.

I'm thoroughly ashamed of these thoughts, but I'm guessing I'm not the only person ever to have had them in these circumstances.
Don't feel ashamed. I feel like that too. One day it was 2pm and she still wasn't up out of bed and part of me hoped mum slipped away in her sleep :( life is like a prison sentence



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Adcat

Registered User
Jun 15, 2014
287
London
Hi Kazza,
Empathy your way big time. There's a lot of statistics on the toil of carers on the carers UK web site. It's not happy reading.
http://www.carersuk.org
Your not alone on TP cyberspace.
I'm home with my dad right now. Im taking deep breaths and breathing out very slowly to keep cool, calm and collected. It's going to be a long evening :(
Is your employer carer friendly? Can you take some carers leave? Are you linked into your local carers group? Have you got an alzhimers support group?
Have you seen your GP? Do you need to consider sickness absence?
Take care and keep posting.
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
So it has, I shall confess to two terrible thoughts - when my mum went into hospital to have her hip replaced - she hadn't been diagnosed then but she was certainly not the ticket. I actually hoped she would die under the anaesthetic - isn't that awful?

Also my best friend lost her mother to a stroke a few weeks ago - she also had dementia (vascular) but far, far worse than my mum. And I was jealous. She's free (thoroughly upset, grieving and devastated, but free) and I'm not.

I'm thoroughly ashamed of these thoughts, but I'm guessing I'm not the only person ever to have had them in these circumstances.
Don't feel ashamed. Why would you want suffering to be extended? My OH works with those with dementia and their carers and he says virtually every single carer has those thoughts.
 

sinkhole

Registered User
Jan 28, 2015
273
Don't feel ashamed for wanting peace and an end to suffering.

It's shameful that in the 21st century we are not allowed to make decisions about how we or our loved ones might want to depart this world without feeling as though someone is going to judge or prosecute us.

We all want what's best for our loved ones and if it were me, I would much prefer a quick, painless, unexpected exit over a long drawn out painful one.
 

Chaucer 1931

Registered User
Mar 30, 2014
226
I'm with you too Kazza,if the only consolation some of us can send you it's that you aren't alone in feeling this way. Just working on auto pilot and dealing with the smells and mess on a daily basis really isn't what I'd imagined I'd be doing at 45 too!

Life is pretty much like the twilight zone for me now,nothing is normal in the sense of the word,I guess we are all in the same boat Kazza,but it does help being able to speak out on here,no need to feel guilt for being human!


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Bill Owen

Registered User
Feb 17, 2014
182
67
BRIDGEND
i never thought my 40s would be like this, isolated, stressed, exhausted and above all lonely.

The role of a carer to someone with dementia is the worst job in the world, so called friends and relatives treat you like you have ebola...i am trying to be positive thinking one day soon i will have my life back...hopefully, trying to hold it together like everyone else on here. Could fall asleep at my desk at work right now i'm that tired but soon i have to return home to a flat that smells like a sewage plant :( sorry, just venting or i will implode


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it is very hard on you own . My wife is in bed by 5 pm most nigths .relatives and friends .(will not undere stand .how hard it is )
the sumer nigths are on the way hop you can go out for a walk.call in a pub get drank.im also dislxe so its is hard for me to send male over . Stay strong .:)
 

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
I'm with you too Kazza,if the only consolation some of us can send you it's that you aren't alone in feeling this way. Just working on auto pilot and dealing with the smells and mess on a daily basis really isn't what I'd imagined I'd be doing at 45 too!

Life is pretty much like the twilight zone for me now,nothing is normal in the sense of the word,I guess we are all in the same boat Kazza,but it does help being able to speak out on here,no need to feel guilt for being human!


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Home to find the kitchen door wide open. The carer was careless AGAIN. So now I have to put everything through the dishwasher....I'm furious. The kitchen is full of hazards that could be dangerous...knives, sharps bin (cat has diabetes so I have one of those yellow bins for old syringes), meds, gas cooker, kettle....I'm cancelling them. Fourth time they done it in 2 weeks despite a great big sign stuck to the door requesting that (a) they do not wash up, I put it in dishwasher and (b) lock the door to keep mum away from the dangers...both requests ignored. I'm done.might sound over the top but mum is destructive and does not understand that putting things like cat poop in the toaster is not a good idea ... My heart is pounding and I'm sobbing, a bit irrational granted but I'm exhausted :(


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Last edited:

Adcat

Registered User
Jun 15, 2014
287
London
Kazza,
Get down to your GP as soon as you can tomorrow morning.
You need GP support.
Big caber hug from me
X
 

Kazza72

Registered User
Feb 10, 2015
202
West London
Thanks adcat...I think I will, my stress levels have been steadily increasing over the last few weeks, I'm not feeling right, really not myself, breathless but did think that was weight gain and probably repercussions of all my years of smoking...won't hurt to see the doc, the worst that can happen is he dismisses all of my concerns...


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