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So is this it...?

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,911
0
Yorkshire
Just came to catch up after not reading much for a few days as I thought today was your dads funeral.
I hope it goes as well as these days can. I'm sure you and his friends and family will do him proud x i hope hearing from others who loved him helps you through a tough day xxx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
Thank you my lovely TP family, your lovely words & hugs made me smile this morning.

Just for once well bang on time according to BBC weather the skies opened up on us in time to throughly soak anyone foolish enough to venture out! No matter how large an umbrella it couldn’t defend anyone from the swirling horizontal rain & howling wind! Good old Cornish weather went from light mizzle to only the foolish venture out in this! the balmy sunny late afternoon that followed at least meant a chance to dry out while running errands!!!

Dads life & loves were well represented in his eulogy- my lovely daughter & OH polished my rough piece into a humorous concise eulogy that Aged Mother smiled, laughed & nodded along to. A small hardy band of family & friends attended. sadly it was almost one man & his dog as how do you contact all those that knew someone when your PWD slowly looses the ability to keep in contact? I know that putting notices in papers etc was the way most used to know of these events but nowadays with different options in communications it seems to bring its own issues & problems. Just got back yesterday evening & crawled into bed when an old friend of Dads called me asking when the funeral was ..... lots of apologies from me & emotion from him as it was my mistake - aged mother told me she’d ring him & I stupidly believed her!
Sometimes I just don’t seem to have a learning curve .... still very sweetly this chap is going over to visit Mother again- so OH said that that was better infact than another few bods at the funeral!
Think OH is probably right. Though as much as Dad deserved people queuing out the door tbh I barely coped with the small attendance of familiar faces.

My MIL managed to hit a deer at the weekend & FIL spent Sunday removing said creature from the car undercarriage; only to find later when turning off & removing the key that the engine was still running ........ I loved that film with Herbie the beetle in it as a child but find it disconcerting in reality !!!!

Funerals are a very personal thing, & I have discovered that capturing the essence of the person & life before dementia has been positive but tragically sad at times. Cathartic in ways & traumatic emotionally in others.
It doesn’t end with the funeral though the paperwork & tying up of loose ends before the normality & routine of caring for a PWD ( Aged Mother ) & that paperwork & battles becomes almost consuming again.

Life lesson for me is that by stepping back &putting the responsibility back into SW etc hands means that the process is just trundling along no matter what, just a lot slower than if I was frenetically chasing......
but no matter what as a dear family friend keeps telling me “it will reach a natural conclusion” . I truly believe that you lovely people on this forum are uniquely special in the love that is daily shown in the struggles to care ( in whatever form) for their PWD.

My Dads at peace now & I wouldn’t change that, but I now need to learn to grieve him without any emotional crutches- dry February, March, April etc is on the cards !

anyways sleepiness is overtaking this one finger typist !
Channel Gloria Gaynor today folks “I will survive” (my inner anthem. )Didn’t think I would but I am!
Xxx
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
0
I have had that same concern about contacting their many friends. Dementia has made them lose touch with so many.
I’m glad the forum has been a support. It is to me as well Xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
I have had that same concern about contacting their many friends. Dementia has made them lose touch with so many.
I’m glad the forum has been a support. It is to me as well Xx
I thought it would matter if the service was well attended, but in the end it didn’t - I was just pleased the eulogy & service reflected the true person Dad was before illness. I have to say that I found my Dads sisters daughter a tower of strength with support on the buildup to the funeral & on the day along with my Aunty. It was important to me that for my Aunt & Mum I did Dad proud & I think I did. This whole process I’ve found overwhelming at times & my mind & body are slowly recovering through the medium of sleep! x
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,705
0
So pleased the day went well for you all, it doesn't matter how many or few attended, the most important people were there to share memories of a dear man.

Sleep is a powerful force which restores peace and balance to emotions, I think it is nature's way of healing a hurt soul, sweet dreams @DesperateofDevon.
 
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DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
So pleased the day went well for you all, it doesn't matter how many or few attended, the most important people were there to share memories of a dear mam.

Sleep is a powerful force which restores peace and balance to emotions, I think it is nature's way of healing a hurt soul, sweet dreams @DesperateofDevon.

it’s weird all those middle of the nights on TP now I can barely keep my eyelids open
Xx
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,705
0
it’s weird all those middle of the nights on TP now I can barely keep my eyelids open
Xx

My dad died nearly three years ago and we went through desperate months afterwards, when mum moved in with us, from other family members who involved the police, social services, which backfired on them as safeguarding and protection was awarded to mum and us, needless to say these family troublemakers have become invisible for the last twelve months.

I'm getting to my point in a roundabout way - bear with!

OH and I had a holiday booked twelve months before dad died and our daughters persuaded us they would Grandma sit so we could go.

OH and I went from sleepless nights at home to sleeping ten plus hours every night.

The really strange thing for me was that every night during the holiday, I dreamt of my dad, comforting dreams not upsetting at all; with the healing sleep and dad dreams, I was able to come home and face the trauma that was still ongoing.

I didn't have dreams of dad before the holiday and not one dream of him since. Sometimes I think he came back to help me when I needed him most. Life can be unexplainable at times.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
My dad died nearly three years ago and we went through desperate months afterwards, when mum moved in with us, from other family members who involved the police, social services, which backfired on them as safeguarding and protection was awarded to mum and us, needless to say these family troublemakers have become invisible for the last twelve months.

I'm getting to my point in a roundabout way - bear with!

OH and I had a holiday booked twelve months before dad died and our daughters persuaded us they would Grandma sit so we could go.

OH and I went from sleepless nights at home to sleeping ten plus hours every night.

The really strange thing for me was that every night during the holiday, I dreamt of my dad, comforting dreams not upsetting at all; with the healing sleep and dad dreams, I was able to come home and face the trauma that was still ongoing.

I didn't have dreams of dad before the holiday and not one dream of him since. Sometimes I think he came back to help me when I needed him most. Life can be unexplainable at times.
How lovely
I’m sure this is the calm before the storm so I’m making the most of it
Xxx
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,801
0
Bedford
So glad to hear that the funeral went as well as it could and you had some support. I am also pleased that the eulogy and service reflected your Dad as you wanted.
Stepping back - hold onto that thought and what you have written and you will indeed Survive’ despite the paperwork and loose end and still being a carer for your Aged Mother.
Make the most of the calm and make the most of the sleeping if you can. If not perhaps you can find the time for a bit of peace and to do something you enjoy
 

Ciarabillie24

New member
Nov 28, 2018
4
0
Birmingham
Hi ive followed your posts this morning and just wanted to say what an amazing person you are, your dad would be so proud to have someone like you fighting for him even after he has passed you still found the strength to keep going. My nan is at the end stage now, me and my mom on constant stand by waiting for the phone to ring. She has pneumonia again for about the 6th time in a year, aspiration twice, this time she doesnt seem to be recovering from it, over a month now and growing weaker by the day but her determination not to give up just yet is keeping her going but also destroying me and my mom in the process. The nursing home are useless and feel like we are constantly battling with them to make sure my 83 year old nan isnt suffering in pain and is treated with the respect and compassion she deserves. It amazes me how these people can become carers, no qualifications, no dementia training and blatantly lie and say my nan is fine, yet different when we arrive to see her slumped in bed or a cold dinner placed infront of her and clearly dehydrated. 2falls on sunday found crawling out of her room like an animal searching for comfort because she is too weak to stand and walk. It is truly heartbreaking and soul destroying. To have attitude from the people who are meant to be looking after her asif how dare we ask questions about our own relative and feeling so helpless i could walk outside now and scream and scream. I know we probably have a long road ahead, its now going into the 3rd year since it all started over night with this vascula dementia and my grandad passed away in the middle of it all. Him at 1end of the hospital and my nan the other. Sending you lots of love and hugs at this sad time but also alot of respect that atleast your dad had you fighting for him and somewhere in there he hopefully knew all of this. You should be very proud of yourself if only everyone could be as caring towards their relatives as you. Some of the poor residents at my nans place have nothing and noone it breaks my heart for them i wish i could take them all home and give them comfort and happiness til the end of their days. My heart will break the day my nan passes. Although i have my mom, my nan is my best friend and her and my grandad were like 2nd parents to me and i will keep fighting for her til the end x
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,705
0
Hello @Ciarabillie24, I've just read your post, what a lovely person you are, sending kind words to our @DesperateofDevon; it sounds as if you need a listening ear as well and it's a good place to have a rant if you need to.

Please start your own thread and the TP members will give you all the help and support you need at the moment, we are thinking of you and your family.
 

Ciarabillie24

New member
Nov 28, 2018
4
0
Birmingham
Hi @Dimpsy thankyou so much. Its nice to know there are still decent people out there. I read the posts and thought what a lovely lady how she fought for her dad and still continued to even after he had passed.
I will definitely start my own thread though its nice to know people are out there listening and care.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
Hi ive followed your posts this morning and just wanted to say what an amazing person you are, your dad would be so proud to have someone like you fighting for him even after he has passed you still found the strength to keep going. My nan is at the end stage now, me and my mom on constant stand by waiting for the phone to ring. She has pneumonia again for about the 6th time in a year, aspiration twice, this time she doesnt seem to be recovering from it, over a month now and growing weaker by the day but her determination not to give up just yet is keeping her going but also destroying me and my mom in the process. The nursing home are useless and feel like we are constantly battling with them to make sure my 83 year old nan isnt suffering in pain and is treated with the respect and compassion she deserves. It amazes me how these people can become carers, no qualifications, no dementia training and blatantly lie and say my nan is fine, yet different when we arrive to see her slumped in bed or a cold dinner placed infront of her and clearly dehydrated. 2falls on sunday found crawling out of her room like an animal searching for comfort because she is too weak to stand and walk. It is truly heartbreaking and soul destroying. To have attitude from the people who are meant to be looking after her asif how dare we ask questions about our own relative and feeling so helpless i could walk outside now and scream and scream. I know we probably have a long road ahead, its now going into the 3rd year since it all started over night with this vascula dementia and my grandad passed away in the middle of it all. Him at 1end of the hospital and my nan the other. Sending you lots of love and hugs at this sad time but also alot of respect that atleast your dad had you fighting for him and somewhere in there he hopefully knew all of this. You should be very proud of yourself if only everyone could be as caring towards their relatives as you. Some of the poor residents at my nans place have nothing and noone it breaks my heart for them i wish i could take them all home and give them comfort and happiness til the end of their days. My heart will break the day my nan passes. Although i have my mom, my nan is my best friend and her and my grandad were like 2nd parents to me and i will keep fighting for her til the end x
Oh bless you, I’m sorry that you to are experiencing poor care.
I tried so hard to get help for Dad & found changing his GP helped get the ball moving.
I know how draining this is mentally & emotionally & the physical toll it takes on you as well. You just want people to do their jobs. It’s hard to push for better care if you aren’t happy & moving your loved one at this stage may not be in her best interest.
I wish I’d had Dad taken into hospital in hindsight as at least he would have had pain relief. Please consider this option as a stepping stone to accessing the help required
Keep posting lovely
Sending big ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
 

Ciarabillie24

New member
Nov 28, 2018
4
0
Birmingham
Hi @DesperateofDevon thankyou for your reply. I never thought about changing her GP but would be a good place to start. My mom had a conversation with a nurse from the surgery today and she doesnt rate the home either and has heard alot of bad things.
Its so frustrating because moving her now would probably result in more stress for her and she is 5minutes from my house and 10 from my moms so its kind of what do we do for the best for her and us without being selfish x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
Hi @DesperateofDevon thankyou for your reply. I never thought about changing her GP but would be a good place to start. My mom had a conversation with a nurse from the surgery today and she doesnt rate the home either and has heard alot of bad things.
Its so frustrating because moving her now would probably result in more stress for her and she is 5minutes from my house and 10 from my moms so its kind of what do we do for the best for her and us without being selfish x
If I had my time again I would have had Dad admitted into hospital on the two occasions that was an option; I decided it along with medical professionals wasn’t in his best interests. Sadly hindsight now tells me I could have ensured better care if I had had him admitted.

I can’t regret my decisions as they were in Dads best interests but I can look back & see that certain care aspects in the home fell below standards- hence why I raised safeguarding issues back in September 2019.

pain free & dignity was what I wished for Dad ... & anyone ....
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,352
0
North West
I can’t regret my decisions as they were in Dads best interests but I can look back & see that certain care aspects in the home fell below standards- hence why I raised safeguarding issues back in September 2019.

pain free & dignity was what I wished for Dad ... & anyone ....

I think to be brave and mark out what is not acceptable in todays idea of 'care' is hugely significant; so much that wasn't acceptable years ago has now become 'normalised', not because its acceptable, but because we are pushed into accepting 'it'. It takes courage to rock the boat, to not accept this new 'normal' which never in eons did anyone ask for, but were given it with no choice. There are no regrets here @DesperateofDevon , just a broken care system and if we are lucky enough we can buy our way to the top of the pile, otherwise we have to make do.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,801
0
Bedford
@Palerider what you said about ‘buy your way to the top’ just struck a cord with me as the ‘Activities Coordinator’ at Mum’s place has just left a care home as that home had no money to do anything. She is so enthusiastic but Mum’s gain is ‘someone’ else’s loss which is sad.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,352
0
North West
@Palerider what you said about ‘buy your way to the top’ just struck a cord with me as the ‘Activities Coordinator’ at Mum’s place has just left a care home as that home had no money to do anything. She is so enthusiastic but Mum’s gain is ‘someone’ else’s loss which is sad.

I have lost all hope in mums current home. The activities coordinator organises activities that have no cost to the home, so consequently no residents actually take up the activity because activity is a general term meaning many vague things and none specific to dementia care. I loose all hope when the activity coordinator can't keep one residednt interested in her boring low cost idea of activity and frankly I would rather take mum out for a personal drive -she finds that far more interesting than looking at pieces of paper she can't make sense of
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
0
I have lost all hope in mums current home. The activities coordinator organises activities that have no cost to the home, so consequently no residents actually take up the activity because activity is a general term meaning many vague things and none specific to dementia care. I loose all hope when the activity coordinator can't keep one residednt interested in her boring low cost idea of activity and frankly I would rather take mum out for a personal drive -she finds that far more interesting than looking at pieces of paper she can't make sense of
It’s so sad when the “care” aspect just goes out of the window & profit margins become more important. Dementia care should be about Dementia & the best interests of PWD. Sadly low pay & cost effectiveness is obviously of more importance. Dads care home showed up around ground floor rooms with garden access & en-suite- in realityDads room was a third of the size & no en-suite & no garden access but upstairs with no view except over the kitchens. Not important when he was mobile but when he needed more care at end of life there wasn’t even enough room to sit next to him in a chair & his bed was pressed up against the wall !

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!