• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

So is this it...?

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
359
My lovely TP family, thank you for the lovely thoughts & words.
I am strangely calm & thankful that Dad is no longer in the grips of dementia.
My Mum is amazingly strong of character & losing her soul mate must be unimaginable without the issues of dementia. Yet today the clarity of mind Mum presented was amazing. I’m sure some difficult days lie ahead but for today I comforted Mum; & then she comforted me her daughter.

The hardest thing wasn’t telling people,it was the delight on the faces & in the voices of those I visited & called to break the news. I never realised how much I’m Dads daughter - talking about Dads exploits

old work colleagues are sourcing fake plastic bananas
Dad had a banana everyday in his lunch box it was a running joke among his work mates to substitute itfor the fake one!
Another friend of Dads ( he crewed yachts & sailed - even making onto TV news !!) is digging out photos & newspaper clippings of one of Dads mercy mission dashes!

walking & drinking buddies have tales to curl your hair & leave you laughing holding your sides!

friends of Mums tell of random acts of kindness- Dad dug one lady a grave for her cat un-asked; after a 12 hour shift at work.

as for My lovely Aunty ( Dads sister ) I stared into the same colour eyes as Dad & felt loved & cherished; tears & laughter followed but more laughter than tears.

what a legacy Dad leaves behind, so tonight when I get home please raise a glass or cup of whatever & toast my lovely Dad- Peter with me. A gentle man .

much love to you all
Will be hopefully back on the forum in a couple of days
Xx
I seem to have missed this thread in the Forum @DesperateofDevon but it seems like you've been through hell for your Dad and he was a lucky man to have you as his daughter. You have lovely memories anyway so I hope they can sustain you through this sad time. xxx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
Collected the death certificate today & have found out I’m the executor of the will as Mum co exec’ is not capable.
No I’m not doing it - I’m handing it over to the solicitors, it’s too much & im exhausted 24/7

Have decided as all paperwork etc & registering death has been held up by the weekend that the funeral will be in the new year. Christmas & New year holidays mean office closures & family commitments for many.

I don’t want a one man & his dog attending & no one else!

Aged mother just wants it done but I want to do it properly. If it was up to mum no one to attend, no words at the cremation & no wake afterwards .

My Dad deserves his friends & extended family to be present & his extraordinary life to be remembered- along with his antics & humour! His love of Guinness & whiskey should be acknowledged at the wake- my Mum had lavish funerals for her Mum & Dad.

No extravagance but I want to hear laughter & love above all this sadness!

Along with Eric Idle - always look on the bright side of life ! Dad was a huge monty python fan & his ministry of funny walks impressions convulsed me as a child!
 

silver'lantern

Registered User
Apr 23, 2019
166
QUOTE="DesperateofDevon, post: 1682444, member: 80872"]I am handing the executorship over to the lovely solicitor who sorted out the LPA. I’m done with forms etc & am going to just be the daughter.[/QUOTE]
My Dad deserves his friends & extended family to be present & his extraordinary life to be remembered- along with his antics & humour! His love of Guinness & whiskey should be acknowledged at the wake
No extravagance but I want to hear laughter & love above all this sadness!

Along with Eric Idle - always look on the bright side of life ! Dad was a huge monty python fan & his ministry of funny walks impressions convulsed me as a child!
SOUNDS PERFECT @DesperateofDevon
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
72
QUOTE="DesperateofDevon, post: 1682444, member: 80872"]I am handing the executorship over to the lovely solicitor who sorted out the LPA. I’m done with forms etc & am going to just be the daughter.


SOUNDS PERFECT @DesperateofDevon[/QUOTE]
At my mum's funeral I had Wish me luck as you save me goodbye.I think she would have liked that as she had a good sense of humour.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,787
@DesperateofDevon my mum died 8 years ago around the same date as your dad and we had the funeral in January over a month later. It seems that just before Christmas is not the best time to die.

All of your plans sound good to me and I agree that you have probably done enough form filling so handing it over to the solicitor sounds good. I would probably feel the same.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,522
Chester
No I’m not doing it - I’m handing it over to the solicitors, it’s too much & im exhausted 24/7

My Dad deserves his friends & extended family to be present & his extraordinary life to be remembered- along with his antics & humour! His love of Guinness & whiskey should be acknowledged at the wake- my Mum had lavish funerals for her Mum & Dad.
Whilst I know I have the skills to be executor whenmy mum dies I know I will find it too emotionally draining and intend to do the same.

Sounds like a plan re funeral.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
@silver'lantern @ebas @Duggies-girl @jugglingmum OH couldn’t understand wanting to hand over the executorship, the legalities of sorting it all out fall on my shoulders alone with mum not having capacity. So enough & I remain firm about this - it’s a simple probate but emotionally I’ve had it.
Today is a grey damp day - & reality & exhaustion have hit home.
I have two arts & crafts markets left - today & tomorrow & I am cancelling them. It’s too much ... the thought is overwhelming along with the physical & mental exhaustion.

so being brave is being put on hold
Today I wallow!

knowing that I have time to myself has restored a sense of calmness over me. I am going to go to the beach & watch the waves crash against the shoreline
Even thinking about it makes my breathing slow down & the headache ease.
@White Rose i need to let those good memories sustain me @canary & just be the daughter ( not try & be some sort of superhuman!!)

acknowledging that I’m not ok/ fine is not a sign of weakness of character, but acknowledging that I’m human & life sometimes needs to be put on hold for a while.
@Moggymad the mush has arrived! But determined not a PJ day! If I start that one I don’t think I will ever get dressed again the way I feel!!!
@Dimpsy defo need to get into the garden & potter for a bit!

so my lovelies I think the term - crashed & burned is applicable here!

Definitely taking my own advice ( a first !)
Going to be kind to myself
Xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
504
Hi @DesperateofDevon, there is so much to do, at a time when you are trying to deal with the passing itself. I had the same experience and was on the run around on Xmas Eve. I do understand your Mum's feelings but you are doing the right thing by making sure it is organised properly even if it adds a week or two on. Having the wake certainly helps with closure. All the best.
 

silver'lantern

Registered User
Apr 23, 2019
166
OH couldn’t understand wanting to hand over the executorship, the legalities of sorting it all out fall on my shoulders alone with mum not having capacity. So enough & I remain firm about this - it’s a simple probate but emotionally I’ve had it.
Today is a grey damp day - & reality & exhaustion have hit home.
I have two arts & crafts markets left - today & tomorrow & I am cancelling them. It’s too much ... the thought is overwhelming along with the physical & mental exhaustion.

so being brave is being put on hold
@DesperateofDevon ....handing it over is so brave. and a step a lot wish they could do but don't, and then dont cope. you are doing it right i am sure. its whats right for you. so step back and enjoy your happy memories and take tame to grieve your way. like everything in life we are all different, so well done you for being strong enough to step aside and stop the crash. you are passing it on to someone who does it as a job...... when there are other people around that can we should use them so we can do what we have to do .....if that makes sense. listening to your own body and tending your own needs will, i am sure, help with your next stage of this journey. and i hope your dad has a great Farewell and peace is found for you too
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
758
Bedford
It seems like taking your own sound advice is an excellent idea.
Removing the stress by using the solicitor to do the executorship, cancelling the craft markets and allowing yourself a wallow seems an excellent plan. The trip to the beach to watch the sea sounds lovely to me (who has always lived well away from the sea)
It must also be great that so many people are sharing those memories with you.
Take care of yourself and hopefully find some peace again
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,375
South coast
I got a solicitor to do mums probate too. Like you it was a simple probate, but I was still dealing with OH and just didnt have the energy.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
505
Yorkshire
You always seem to post really good caring advice on here and as you say you're taking your own good advice so good on you. X
Have a rest, let someone else do the probate, let your mind and body grieve and give yourself time to gather your strength for the funeral next year. X
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
Bit of a shock today went to register Dads death & on the registrar opening the envelope - pneumonia!
What.......!!!!!!
So we can contact the coroner as this is the first time we have heard pneumonia as cause of death! I cannot see the point of that & need to move on ( via the CQC!)

Dads social worker has closed his case as he’s dead.... nice! since I’ve spent weeks trying to get information out of her!!! The assessment with out us present etc.... but apparently she can’t release that now. I am handing it all over to OPG etc


The care home manager has sent a very unapologetic message of condolence- strangely all the whiskey etc Dad was given but unable to drink as he was on oromorph & Butec patches has disappeared!

I am so pleased that I sent emails this morning in the early hours to safeguarding & OPG safeguarding.

I will be meeting in the new year my MP to raise the issues of poor social care.

Dad had extreme levels of sodium due to soluble paracetamol being given instead of oromorph combined with high output of urea & no input of fluids !

the care home manager will probably get sent on a course ! Doesn’t seem fair but life isn’t
Xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
504
Hi @DesperateofDevon, sorry you have more issues to deal with. I would say pneumonia aka 'chest infection' is not and uncommon cause of death, however it is normally subject to treatment that has failed such as antibiotics - so it should be known prior to the passing. I do agree though, move on. I'm pleased you are meeting with the MP, there needs to be some proper action on social care generally but I can't see it, nothing has changed in the last ten year despite empty promises. There does seem to be many issues of negligence in your Dads case, and any deficiency in meds dispensing is potentially serious for others too.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
758
Bedford
I am afraid I am not good with words or practical advice but just wanted to send you some hugs and really hope you can have some calm days. I hope you are able to get another beach/sea walk in to bring some peace
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
392
I think you’ve had disgusting treatment by your social care team. You should not have found out about pneumonia as cause of death like that.
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
63
@DesperateofDevon you poor thing, such a shock for you to read. Nothing you said about his condition sounded like pneumonia, but they must have a reason to have determine this. Please just try to do as you say and let it go as you have fought hard enough, and this battle is now over. Do something kind for yourself and put it aside until the New Year when you have your meetings, and try to get some little enjoyment from the holidays.
Best wishes!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,580
@DesperateofDevon you poor thing, such a shock for you to read. Nothing you said about his condition sounded like pneumonia, but they must have a reason to have determine this. Please just try to do as you say and let it go as you have fought hard enough, and this battle is now over. Do something kind for yourself and put it aside until the New Year when you have your meetings, and try to get some little enjoyment from the holidays.
Best wishes!
Thank you
I have now left it in the hands of the powers that be!
Time to celebrate all that Dad was & is
I can’t think of Dad without smiling, yes heartache is always close by & tears but smiles as well. xx