So is this it...?

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by DesperateofDevon, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. Karen22

    Karen22 Registered User

    Nov 3, 2012
    70
    I haven't managed to read all you have been through with your dad but got the gist of it. You have my utmost sympathy. I was in a fairly similar situation with my dad in that I had safeguarding issues going on all around dad and only me to deal with it (and my health isn't good either). It was a nightmare so I do feel for you. I hope you are managing. It is so traumatic when you only want your dad to be comfortable and out of pain. Sending you a hug. Karen
     
  2. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    thank you x I’m so sorry that you had a similar experience. It does take a toll on your health & the recent DVT since my mini strokes over 20 years ago has been a wake up call; we forget our own needs in our quest to look after our loved ones.

    take care lovely x & thank you x
     
  3. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    572
    Female
    What a significant step forward @DesperateofDevon, hopefully this will have a knock on effect and your dad will get the treatment and understanding he deserves: so pleased for you - no more hitting your head against that wall!
     
  4. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    I haven’t been in to see Dad
    I am a weak character really who puts on bluster. my daughter & my friend have stepped into the breach for me!
    I am being selfish & concentrating on creating enough work to sell mid week!

    it’s a blessed release to escape into my art & slowly the blood pressure & worries are becoming manageable!


    Yes I do feel a bit guilty, but I’ve got to believe that the care home will implement the advice from “the professionals “ now they have been given it.


    Time is a great healer, they say let’s hope so...

    Meanwhile like the seven dwarfs in Snow White “Hey ho Hey ho it’s off to work I go”

    thank goodness the commute only enclosed a set of stairs & a garage door!
     
  5. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    464
    Bedford
    You are not a weak person at all. You just need a little break to recharge.
    Be selfish, be creative and enjoy doing some work
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,321
    Nottinghamshire
    Everyone needs a break sometimes @DesperateofDevon. I remember how much better I felt after a day or few away from caring. I’m glad you have such a lovely daughter and friend who can carry the load occasionally.

    Enjoy your work. You are not weak!
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    So I’ve been painting, gluing &nailing! I found that wielding the hammer very therapeutic! Even when I bashed my finger!

    House in chaos!

    now finishing off 5 pieces ready for tomorrow night - phew!
    3 more to get ready once glues gone off overnight & daughter been priming like a fiend!!

    think I’m actually going to have a few pieces to sell! phew!!
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    Dads assessments are back in! I find no comfort in being right, just sadness that the awfulness of having to start a process in which to get clarification of what seemed to me an obvious situation.

    I’m grieving daily - but have accepted that I can’t fight the system anymore. I am going to be the daughter that Dad needs.

    the process can run now, & I no matter what I do it’s not going to change the inevitable outcome.

    I need to be the loving daughter my Dads mostly in bed now as the reclining chair is on a 12 week list! the care home didn’t feel dad needed a profiling bed so I can’t see them coming up with any solutions in that respect .

    I can’t battle continually anymore- without support from medical professionals involved routinely in Dads care I’m going around in circles.

    accepting that fact tears you apart!
    The system is set up so Carers are forced to accept what help is offered. Access to the care government bodies say should be available have become tainted by profit margins & the viability of providing a service.

    so I’m going to be a daughter now, a role I know I can fullfill completely.
     
  9. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    242
    Male
    Good Morning @DesperateofDevon, you shouldn't have to have gone through a battle to get what is the correct care for your Dad, I never have understood the inflexible approach of the home, it makes absolutely no sense. The care system is a complicated maze with insufficient guidance and support for family carers trying to support their loved ones - it simply isn't an integrated health and social care system as you have shown. You and your family have done the best for your Dad and fought for him all the way and I'm sure you will continue to support him with care and affection.
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    thank you, it doesn’t sit well with me not to be able to resolve issues; but my own health & sanity need to be preserved at some point. I’m not the emotional wreck I was a couple of weeks ago.

    acceptance - part of the grieving process
    X
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,786
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad things are little better and I gather that your dad is at least not being forced to eat inappropriate stuff, is allowed to stay in bed and is receiving pain relief.

    Just becoming the daughter again is the best thing that you can do now
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
     
  12. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    532
    Scotland
    You are certainly not a weak person but I am glad you have help from your daughter and friend.

    Kind regards
     
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    thank you,
    Made OH take me in & sat reading the paper to dad who promptly fell asleep snoring. Found out OH is related to a bull in a china shop! His clattering about meant Dad woke up, but was off zzzzing soon!!
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    So last night I sat & reread the SALT & OT assessments. I’m amazed at how the home has been able to neglect Dads basic care needs & horrified that even now the care home are not proactive in solving seating arrangements! I’m not alone in this & the OT has contacted safeguarding about the seating issues.

    I was too emotional & exhausted to contact either SALT or OT teams last week & will now liaise on Tuesday with daughter about how to progress!

    Do I send a copy to Dads social worker of the assessments? The Social worker is doing a care home placement assessment on the 13 th, so I feel she should be aware of all the issues. I haven’t heard from Dads social worker apart from this assessment date


    So I should send her the reports ? Right?
     
  15. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    783
    Female
    cornwall
    She should already have them .But it won’t hurt to send her a copy.
     
  16. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    She wasn’t on the cc
    So have sent on this morning just in case!
    Also sent the email I sent to the GP after the - liaison with care home discussion then they liaise with GP!
    As not had a reply take it as confirmation of the ranks closing !

    bet a few blushes on seeing the assessment reports especially as one was then forwarded onto safeguarding as an issue by the assessment team!
     
  17. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    464
    Bedford
    I am so glad that you are getting some more support in your corner but awful that the home is still not taking any proactive measures to help your Dad. Hope you get some positives on Tuesday
     
  18. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    572
    Female
    Don't underestimate the power of the bcc @DesperateofDevon; they may not have been cc'd for your benefit, but still be copied in via bcc.
     
  19. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    nothing showed up on the emails so hoping that my continual openness will get results!

    Also not sure that the assessment folks had Dads social worker details, previous to the safeguarding I had been the liaison point for all communications between multiple agencies.
     
  20. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    It would have been my biological mums birthday today. Today is all the more poignant because my darling ( adoptive ) Dad gave me the information to find my Tummy mummy.
    I had almost 20 years of an amazing relationship with my biological Mum. We were two peas in a pod!
    My biological Mums husband ( it’s complicated is the polite way to talk about that situation) won’t even let me scatter Mums ashes; she remains in the undertakers 18 months on from the funeral.

    my darling mum left me her genes - & gave me life, the ultimate sacrifice was giving me up for adoption - I’m a Salvation Army baby - home for unmarried mothers.

    my Mums heartbreaking story of how she wanted to keep me & couldnt is documented in a diary she wrote to me.

    My lovely Mum & I shared precious moments & times over the years. I treasure those times & miss her friendship wisdom & kindness; more so now with both adoptive parents so far along the dementia journey.

    I have contact with her two best friends & as for the rest of the family, her husband & step children......... let’s say that’s a no!

    So today if you see leopard print or bronze or gold leather, give a smile & think of my gorgeous glamorous tummy mummy

    always in my heart
    Xx
     

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