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Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by LadyA, Aug 22, 2015.
Wow! That's beautiful
Ok...that's me swallowing back and blinking furiously It's a lovely, happy and special photograph. How kind of the assistant to help.
I think you were very kind to go to see the Debs dresses. At least you weren't the victim of the " mutter behind the hand, fancy her coming" brigade.
There is no timetable for grieving. One day you might feel strong and the next, wiped out.
You just take one day at a time.x.x.
I had my own strange moment on Friday, I was made to feel terribly guilty because I failed to let one of Mum's friends know when her funeral was. I can't imagine how I missed her, in fact I'd swear I didn't, but " I'm sorry i didn't get to your Mum's funeral. You promised you'd tell me" Apologies from me plus " I put it in the paper". "well I don't get the paper". but once again Maureen was put on the naughty step. Not only was I certain I'd let her know, but Mum's funeral was early March and I've seen this lady since then...... but I felt awful, guilty as charged!
At least over here, it's not regarded as the immediate family's responsibility to personally invite individuals - or even let them know! We get the details announced on local radio, sometimes in the newspapers, and depend on word of mouth! People do miss it. So what, really? Neither our lives nor theirs will be hugely impacted by whether they were there or not. The way I see it is that if they were THAT close, they would have been in regular enough contact not to have missed it, wouldn't they?
Lovely photo LadyA xx
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That is such a wonderful photo and I'm so glad you have had it framed. I'm sure it represents your feelings for each other perfectly. I'm also sure you will treasure it for ever.
I didn't have to come to this site as I just look on recent posts every time and where things are posted doesn't really register unless I have to start a new thread.
I'm glad to see you here though. It does signify a very slight shuffle forward from the immediate impact of the loss and the aftermath of the funeral. It is in title anyway if not in emotions.
I went to my grandson's 18th birthday lunch at my daughter's 2 days after Dave's funeral. It was just the both families but I had to come home. I'm glad I made the effort but I was so relieved to get back to the safety of my home. You did well to last as long as you did in the party.
I wish you lived over here. You could come to Launde then and share with others here in the same position. It's a kind of group therapy now that a few of us are in the same boat. Not all doom and gloom but we are able to empathise and are well supported by our other TP friends. xxx
What a beautiful photo xx
That photo is so beautiful, LadyA. Something to be treasured in years to come. I can imagine his eyes lighting up at the sight of you. Fred's often do that for me again now too. It's good that William's 'first' family are honouring him in this way and I hope you get some good photos. Can understand why you wouldn't want to go through it all again. Xx
What a wonderful picture.
You were blessed to have loved and been loved so much - not many people ever experience that kind of love. I hope in time the wonderful memories you have will help a little to fill the hole left in your heart.
Oh, it wasn't all good, not by a long chalk!
No it wasn't all good. I'm sure you had a very difficult time when the dementia was first surfacing and also even before you had any idea dementia was developing . Then through the early middle and later stages too. What was so fortunate for me , and I hope for you, is the later stages when insight faded and the nature of the man resurfaced.
The last four years of Dhiren's life were the best after almost fifteen years of conflict.
Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest it was all good. But your strength and love got you through. You can see from the picture how much you both meant to each other after all you had been through.
That's it exactly - William's real personality came shining through in the last couple of years of his illness. He was finally diagnosed in 2008, but I had known for a few years already that he had dementia. But to be honest, most of our marriage was spent with him getting increasingly difficult - that sneaking increase in controlling bullying behaviour, in paranoia etc. And the trouble was William had always had a tendency to paranoia - it was a bit of a joke in his family. He used to cover it by making a joke of it himself. But the jokes wore thin. For years he made our lives miserable - and yet we couldn't put our finger on what it was! couldn't explain it, because he wasn't DOING anything! It was just the controlling, suspicious atmosphere he carried. A tutor I studied with - a dementia specialist - when I talked to her about it said people like that are referred to as "psychic vampires ". They affect the atmosphere and emotional wellbeing of the people around them negatively, but they aren't really doing anything!
Only when William's illness progressed to probably the middle /later stage did he sort of relax and let go. So I'm glad we had those final good years. We were married 21 years, and dementia probably impacted to some degree on most of those.
LadyA thanks for such an honest post. I have found your analysis really helpful. G L
They're called dementors in the Harry Potter books.
I hope you have a peaceful day. Love & hugs xx
I woke up shortly before 6.30 Cat, and decided rather than lie there for an hour, I'd get up and get back to some exercise, which has gone by the wayside the last few months. So I did 15 minutes on the treadmill - not at my old pace of 6.5km per hour, but at 5.4km per hour, in deference to my bad knee. I'm off to the doctor this afternoon to see what's what with that. I found walking on the treadmill fine though, because it's all on the flat! No hills, no bumpy bits, no steps! Even slight hills I can manage (though I sometimes wish I'd brought a stick or something to lean on going up steep hills!) but steps are agonising, going up is bad enough, but coming down steps is really bad. I have a bad feeling that it's age creeping up! Because not only is my knee bad - but the last couple of nights, I've noticed my ankles very swollen - particularly the left one! My sock was literally dug way into the ankle last night, and below & above the top of the sock was all hard puffed out! I shall be twirling my ankles from now on!
Am sorry to read of your earlier years and so pleased you found the 'real' William. Think I am guilty too of perhaps remembering only Fred's 'good' side and putting some of our character differences aside. But, as you, we loved each other deeply despite our faults, and hopefully somewhere inside, he still does. xx
Go carefully and make sure you warm up and cool down.. Says he who rarely did and ended up with bilateral hip replacement. How I miss those endorphin laden runs where everything slotted into place. Never quite got under 90 mins for the half marathon though. 10 K always better on the joints and muscles.
I'm glad you've got a Drs appointment. Being in pain is so draining.
Never was, never will be a runner GL! Even as a child during sports, I couldn't do longer runs - I was very good at short sprints, but like a greyhound, very quickly ran out of steam! I usually do very quick walking for ten minutes or so at a time, and try and do maybe two ten minute sections a day. But I haven't, for months! And it's showing.