I am bending over backwards to help my 90 year old mother who has vasular dementia stay in her home with help. She refuses point blank to let carers wash her so they give up and just dress her. Her knees are very painful with osteoarthritis so won't allow them to get her up. I am at my wits end. Whatever i put in place she resists.
So frustrated. Mum refusing care.
- Thread starter Suzy C
- Start date
Oh my lovely - honestly I’ve got the t-shirt etc , sadly you will have a battle on your hands.
the Alzheimer’s helpline is invaluable with experienced & knowledgable advice
sending you ((((bighugs)))
Im afraid that this is a common problem. I never did manage to get mum to accept carers.
I can only suggest that you decide now what you can and what you cannot manage and stick to it. All the while you are there plugging the gaps, nothing will change. Sometimes you have to just let it all unravel before you get help.
I can only suggest that you decide now what you can and what you cannot manage and stick to it. All the while you are there plugging the gaps, nothing will change. Sometimes you have to just let it all unravel before you get help.
I'm afraid that this is very common. My mother-in-law refused personal care for 3 years from carers. She could wash herself of sorts but usually only her arms. Her hair wasn't washed for 3 years either. She refused the bathing service at the day centre as well. As she didn't smell, I didn't fret about it. Eventually she became ill, went into hospital and from there she went into care. Within 48 hours the care home had her bathed and hair washed
Hi Suzy
So sorry to hear about your mum refusing care. It's very frustrating when you're trying your best to keep her at home. My mum refused to let carers help her for the 2 and a half years she was at home after dad died. We kept the support in place so we knew mum was at least letting someone through the door to check she hadn't fallen etc. Eventually mum moved into a care home as she was increasingly lonely and forgetting to eat. My sister and I have been amazed at how well she has settled and allowing carers to shower her. Perhaps this is because she doesn't see it as "her territory".
Some people have suggested saying something like the Dr has said the carers have to help, or maybe that the carers are training and have to do X number of hours on tasks before they can be signed off?
Does she think that she has already showered and doesn't need the help, or that she doesn't want them to help? Does your mum ever let family members help? My mum would willingly let my sister and I help, but not want carers in which would have eased our workload and enabled her to stay at home longer.
So sorry to hear about your mum refusing care. It's very frustrating when you're trying your best to keep her at home. My mum refused to let carers help her for the 2 and a half years she was at home after dad died. We kept the support in place so we knew mum was at least letting someone through the door to check she hadn't fallen etc. Eventually mum moved into a care home as she was increasingly lonely and forgetting to eat. My sister and I have been amazed at how well she has settled and allowing carers to shower her. Perhaps this is because she doesn't see it as "her territory".
Some people have suggested saying something like the Dr has said the carers have to help, or maybe that the carers are training and have to do X number of hours on tasks before they can be signed off?
Does she think that she has already showered and doesn't need the help, or that she doesn't want them to help? Does your mum ever let family members help? My mum would willingly let my sister and I help, but not want carers in which would have eased our workload and enabled her to stay at home longer.
Thank you for your suggestions. My mum will let my sisters and i wash her just not the carers. I suspect they want her to move faster than she can so she just refuses. I will try saying the doctor wants you to do this as she always resonds to anything about the doctor.
Thank you for your response. It is quite comforting to hear your MiL's hair wasn't washed for 3 years as we were wondering what to do with my mum who's hair hasn't been washed for 4 months now. I suspect this bathing problem is more of a problem with women than with men.
My dad doesn’t like washing. “Cannot be bothered “is the usual cry.He has a strip wash as he cannot get in the shower (poor mobility).He only gets his hair washed if I moan to the carers.(I bought him special equipment so he can have his hair washed in the bed.(Doesn’t lean well over the sink)Now declines to go to daycare once a month for a bath..Lovely..NOT.
Mmm mum is the same now, she calls the carers all the names under the sun when they shower her, but at least she has started to come round to having one. Interestingly as soon as its over she thinks the staff are all wonderful - they have achieved more then I could do at home on my own
My Mum also doesn't wash much as far as i can tell and i have a battle getting her to wash her hair - she never smells though which amazes me. I manage to get her in the bath occasionally which she protests at (is adamant she has a bath every single day!) I see a common thread here...
You could try some Nilaqua (available on Amazon amongst other places) which is a 'no rinse' shampoo you can use without water.
I swear by dry shampoo! It’s very good
Big plus is after 6 weeks the hair is supposed to self clean..... don’t know if it’s an urban myth or not but here’s hoping!
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