1. 2197alexandra

    2197alexandra Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    355
    Sileby
    I've just had a minor argument with my hubby and I can't believe he said what he said to me. "I haven't got alzheimers I remember exactly what you said to me this morning"

    He snapped something inside my head and has finished me. I'm so annoyed he said that. My dad didn't want to have this illness. He didn't ask to forget. He didn't ask to die.

    I have asked my husband to leave the house as I can't even look at him at the moment. His words have upset me so much. I'm shaking feeling like I need to cry but I can't I'm so angry.

    Why would you say that to me. I wouldn't mind but it was a pointless argument in the first place he was just being awkward on purpose.
     
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Big hug xx

    Hopefully he is more sensitive next time you talk xxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,539
    Ireland
    Aw - that was very thoughtless. People can be hurtful.

    The thing is - your dad was your dad. Like my husband is my husband. And while our loved one's illness just about consumes us, those who are slightly more removed from it, it just won't have the same all-encompassing impact on them. So, they will be thoughtless at times. And - with all due respect to your husband - at times other members of our family can get a bit "jealous" for want of a better word, of the amount of our time and mental space the one with dementia takes up. And even when they've died, we need the time to grieve them - so it's like they still are taking second place to dementia.

    Of course, none of that is consciously thought about.

    Whatever, I'm so sorry about the argument, and that hurtful things were said. Especially when you are still grieving. xx
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,899
    Female
    Scotland
    Alexandra get a grip on your emotions or you'll lose your Husband as well as your Dad. You cannot make him feel as you do because the emotional investment isn't there but you can try to be more objective about the relationship differences you have or had with both men. We're all only human and say and do things that are less than perfect but in the whole scheme of life does it all matter.

    Good wishes.
     
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,776
    Salford
    I'm sure my kids have said ""I haven't got alzheimer's ..." more than once. Usually it's when I've told them something so stupidly obvious just out of habit from being a 24/7 carer, I've seemingly drifted into a habit of talking to them in a "patronising" way.
    He's just said something that hit you in the wrong place at the wrong time I doubt he realised the implications of what he said, and no I'm not just sticking up for him because he's a man too, in any argument people say things they either later regret or don't realise at the time the hurtfulness they cause.
    Make up and move on would be my advise don't let it escalate.
    K
     
  6. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    Alexandra, it seems you are in a danger zone here. For what its worth, my nice, sensitive and supportive husband got to the point where he was the one on Valium! coping with me, who was doing the coping with Mum. And yes, I was cross as I was the one needing medication really.
     
  7. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,366
    Lancashire
    Anybody not dealing with caring for someone with dementia could easily make this kind of off the cuff remark. Hurtful to you at the moment but not a calculated dig to wound you I am sure.
    Take some deep breaths.
     
  8. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    Someone close to me said something yesterday that was devastatingly thoughtless, and I'm still close to tears when I think about it. Meanwhile, my husband, with Alzheimers but still strong willed and difficult, is trying my patience to the limit. And my family are all busy and preoccupied with their own dramas..and I feel terribly alone.

    My friend had no idea of the pain her words inflicted, and I think neither did your husband. Tell him, but please try to forgive him....
     
  9. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    Mine has told me things when I was trying to cope with four other things at once. When I didn't remember what he had said, I was told I was getting AD just like my mother. I was shocked, angry, cried, resentful then scared he was right. It has really effected me and I feel I am looking over my shoulder in case I make mistakes.

    Don't let careless words harm you. He probably had no idea the hurt it would cause.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,863
    Kent
    This thread shows the stress levels carers suffer even when the physical act of caring comes to an end.

    I remember when my husband went into residential care and again when he died, I needed treatment for dreadful back and hip pain , my weak spot. We all have weak spots, whether they are physical or emotional and the stress doesn't stop just because the caring role has come to an end.

    It would be wonderful if family and friends could be sensitive to our sorrow but sadly life's not always like that.
    In so many cases family and friends expect us to return to 'normal' whatever normal is. Little do they know that normal is lost and as nellbelles' thread says, a new normal has to take its place.
     
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    I think Lady A may be right. We all are capable of barbed comments when we feel thoroughly marginalised and uncared for ourselves. Dementia dominates more lives than one. Is this one of those moments where both of you need to sit down calmly and try to see the others' point of view? Heaven knows, there are enough of those during marriage!
     
  12. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Deep breath, and another.

    He isn't grieving in the same way that you are.

    Forgive him, and move on, please. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
     
  13. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,675
    North West
    It's entirely understandable that you have reacted in this way, Alexandra. You could be forgiven for feeling taht everyone's ganging up on you.:(

    But I think people are right in trying to help you to put this into perspective. It would be awful if, at such a difficult time, something like this had any long-term effect on your relationship.

    I hope that you'll both be able to talk about it and then move on.
     
  14. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    187
    France
    It was an insensitive thing to say and it's normal that something snapped inside your head. We would like to feel that our loved ones understand what we are going through, and empathise with us, but they can't always. If your husband feels "left out" because you have had to spend so much time looking after your father, for years, and now you are grieving, it might be his way of saying "I haven't got Alzheimer's, but I exist too"

    It's true that dementia takes its toll on everyone in the family, and it pushes us all to our limits.

    You'll get through this - this may be the time to sit down and talk about how you are both coping with all of this...
     
  15. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    The years of caring, the worry, the pressure and then, the eventual loss.
    They all have a devastating effect on the person closest to the sufferer.
    I don't think even we realise just how bad the loss will be and just because we know it will happen one day doesn't make it any more acceptable and bearable when it does.

    I don't think anyone other than the person concerned can appreciate it in the same way. They sympathise, yes, but they don't feel it as we do.
    I am sorry you are feeling so hurt Alexandra, I would too but, like others, I hope you can talk about it with your husband so that he can realise the depth of your feelings. xx

    Lemony - another off the cuff hurtful remark and such a poisoned barb in the light of your experience. I think this would have really upset me too, after losing my mother to AD. I can understand how it is undermining you and I'd tell your husband this.

    Very best wishes to you both. xxx
     
  16. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    Hi!..im my dads carer he has dementia. He is also my mums carer!.. (impossible situation sometimes).
    My husband is very good and quite frankly as he is supporting his dad that my father is a prority when he needs help..i have learnt over the passed few years that i need time and my dad has to accept it!.
    I must admit my daughter whose 19 now has always been fantastic with my folks. Due the complex nature of his dementia does help a lot..but occasionally..says can we have a dementia free day !..when my dad has been in a down day!..

    Having said that to use those words when feeling angry..is unacceptable to you..and i can imagine your so upset!

    I think your husband would benefit from counselling...and mabye yourself too!..its such an emotional journey for all....hes crossed that boundary....if he cant understand that it would upset you then thats a different matter!

    I am also appauled at comedians using dementia in jokes. Like past stories..we laugh with my dad but never at him!..thats why im a dementia friends champion..to give information out!

    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
     
  17. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,539
    Ireland
    Actually, some of these posts reminded me of the many times during the earlier and mid stages of the disease when, if I forgot something - or if he thought I had forgotten something when in fact he had forgotten to tell me about it! - William would scathingly say "Ha! You must be getting alzheimers! "
     
  18. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    That is what scares me as OH has it in the family.
     
  19. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,539
    Ireland
    How do you mean, Onlyme? At the time, I knew William had dementia. His GP knew it and the Consultant knew it - everyone who had contact with him knew it. He knew it himself, yet remained in total, furious denial that there was anything wrong with him. Such was his resistance to a diagnosis that he has never been told directly that he has dementia - and he's now in a nursing home in the late stages of the disease.
     

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