1. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    I felt so sorry for MIL today. I picked her up at 9.15am to go to Mass & she was fine, the usual repeated questions but nothing out of the ordinary. She was fine at Mass, was fine when she came back to ours for a cup of tea & fine on the way to lunch. After we had ordered it was tho a switch had been turned. She was asking me had she been to Mass (not unusual in itself) but she had no knowledge of any of the mornings events. Then however she kept saying she didn't know where she lived. I kept reassuring her that we were taking her home & that she would know it when she saw it.

    She just looked so lost tho.
     
  2. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    It's awful, isn't it lizzybean? Frustrating, yes, but mostly so sad. Perhaps your Mil would cope better with mass or lunch, but both is getting too much for her? Just a thought...

    Sending you a hug :)

    Lindy xx
     
  3. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,826
    UK
    A good thought Lindy, I find my mum sometimes can only cope with maybe one activity a day. Sometimes its all too much for her and I find it so sad.
     
  4. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    I know what you are saying & we don't do both very often ( we can't! I know you know what I'm saying) Every time we turn towards her home after Mass she says " & how's our A**** in other words you are denying me seeing my son! Normally I say something along the lines of "much the same as he was yesterday when he came to see you" I know that is really mean but as I say to her sometimes (when she has told me she doesn't remember) just because you don't remember doesn't mean it hasn't happened!

    Some weeks when we have planned to take her out for lunch she isn't up for Mass (not that she knows we have decided to take her out, absolutely no point forewarning her). First thing she seems to be "shaky" in her words & more often these days she is deciding not to come to Mass because she doesn't feel 100% However I can ring her an hour later she has "come to" and is up for lunch. It is more a case of how do you gauge it.

    I feel really mean saying this but I sent OH off to bring the car round because it had started raining & she very pathetically said "can I come to your house" & it was an immediate "no!!!!" we have been decorating the kitchen & I used that as excuse. We had no intention of doing anything this afternoon but I needed a nap (always seemed to need one at weekends) & she had been out since 9.15 am & it was now 1.45pm it is long enough!

    I know that those who are caring 24/7 are doing an absolutely marvellous job & I take my hat off to all of you but I can't do that!

    Doesn't stop me feeling like a heel tho!
     
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,170
    Female
    Chester
    I know what you mean by only coping with so much, I brought my mum round last Sunday afternoon to see the kids, and took her back before we had tea.

    I'm sure she thought she was staying for tea, but didn't comment when I took her home.

    I did this because I know if she is here too long she gets too tired with all that's going on, and we can all only cope with the repetition for so long, the kids not wanting to upset her, but struggling to cope after a certain time.
     
  6. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    I also find it's better to limit the time when I visit / take mum out. I am normally there for 3 - 4 hours each time, but increasingly this is too much for her (and me). The trouble is, that means I can't get all that's necessary done at each visit, so have to go more often (once or twice a day at present). So though each visit is shorter, I am gradually spending more time with mum....my daughter says I am morphing into her! :D xx
     
  7. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    It is the repetition that is the problem really. If you could have a semi decent conversation with her I'd have her all day! But that is completely out of the question, you have these loops that she goes on that completely drive you nuts! Usually within half an hour!

    My dau is pregnant (19wks, how exciting for me!) but every time it get's brought up in conversation it is the first she has heard of it, same with my son who broke his tib & fib six weeks ago. There is absolutely no conversation you can have that either gets really convoluted & complicated or that you know word for word.

    Can't win.
     
  8. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Also I really feel like I should be enhancing her life with either my visits or when we take her out but it doesn't happen.....I feel...
     
  9. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    With you 100% there lizzybean. One of my daughters is getting married this year, the other has a new boyfriend.....my conversations with mum about these things sound sooo like yours! X
     
  10. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    Are we sharing a theme here lizzybean? :cool: I feel just like this. When I'm seeing mum, I feel I should offer some 'quality time' and not just rush around doing shopping, laundry, washing her hair, cutting her nails etc......but I don't always succeed, and that's when I feel, well, that I've failed her ( even though I know that objectively I haven't)

    Onwards and upwards though.....:D x
     
  11. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    Hey Ladies, stop a while and think. If you are visiting and flying round doing household chores you are still there. I'm guessing at some point you stop long enough to enjoy a cup of tea together whilst you are there. You ARE enhancing their day. Just having someone there is enhancement. Especially if it is someone familiar like you are.
    Don't beat yourselves up. You are doing a brilliant job. Stop feeling guilty, it's the most pointless emotion going, especially when you are actually doing so much anyway.
    Best wishes to you all xxxx
     
  12. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Aahhh! Thanks Susy. Part of the time I think my problem is that I have no shared history with her & seeing her everyday means that we don't have a lot to talk about. Also the things we have shared she has no recollection of. I probably need to get the photos out again, I haven't done that for a bit.
     
  13. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    I agree, thanks Susy for the reality check. I mean, how much quality to I add to everyone else in my life's days?? :eek: Less and less as time goes on, I feel.....

    And lizzybean, I find that my shared history only gets me so far with my mum, when she can't remember most of it.....xx
     
  14. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Went round this afternoon to take some shopping & to see how she was. She thought it was Wednesday & that we would be going out (historically we have done, how she knows???) I explained that it was Tuesday & I had just finished work & had a pile of ironing with my name on (hers as it happens)

    She said "we'll be going out tomorrow then" I said "well you will be" I explained she would be going to W**** T**** centre which is her day care centre. We got into of a loop of , who will be taking me, I don't know anybody there, why aren't you coming you normally do blah blah blah.

    So I asked her if she wanted to play dominoes (forgot about the photos, duh!) Anyway we played for about 25 minutes, then I said I had better go & do my jobs. She said "well, that was short & sweet" I reminded her I'd been there for the best part of an hour. Got "oh!".

    As she was seeing me out she kept repeating the "well, that was short & sweet" So I said "what about, oh thanks for coming to see me & playing dominoes?" Just got a kind of dismissive, well yeah!!!
     

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