Since Mum died three weeks ago my feelings had been so mixed up. On the first couple of days I just cried as if I would never stop, stopped, and then cried again. Then the practicalities started needing to be done so I cried first thing in the morning and coped the rest of the day. We had mum's funeral yesterday I was determined to do her proud but secretly thought I was likely to lose it again but my act paid off and I even got compliments from family members of how well I did. But the problem is I think I should be able to let the grief run its course, at least for the first month or so because I am not just going through the inevitable grief of losing my elderly mum, which many people hint at. In the five years since she was diagnosed I became her whole world and she mine, it had to be this way. We had no family nearby, very little help and I was living with her. As time went on I needed to provide the same kind of personal care which she provided to me when I was a child. She even started calling me mum at times because in a way, that is exactly what I had become. When she had an accident and ended up in hospital-care home-hospital-care home-hospital as detailed in previous posts, I felt so helpless because there was so little I could do for her and then finally not being with her when she passed breaks my heart However, the other side of my feelings are that mum is no longer suffering and therefore I no longer feel her pain. I don't have that little part of me always worrying about her and fighting her corner and I suppose, once I get my head together, I will one day remember how to get a job, live a life and be free to do what I want. But you know, all I can think is how much I miss her, not only how she was with full blown dementia but suddenly I am remembering how mum was before that and that hurts all over again because whilst she was here I had forgotten how she had been so remembering now is both wonderful and so sad because I am now missing two mum's before dementia and after. It is the most confused and lost I have ever felt in my life and yet my friends and family (and they are right) are telling me I need to start earning some money again and chase the local council to ensure they are going to transfer the tenancy (so far they have taken 9 months to decide) and make use of the free time I now have but to me it all seems so hard and early to move on. I have searched everywhere for advice or guidance how to deal with this very specific reaction to grief caused by dementia and can find nothing, my family and friends were not so close so, as mentioned before, think I am being dramatic about the death of an elderly mother but I guess many of you understand what I am saying, in my case my natural love for my mum was intensified by my being able to provide her comfort and care when she was most vulnerable. So,if anyone knows how I move forward or can advise of someone who can help me work this out I would be so grateful. I feel like I am stuck and I did promise mum in my funeral speech that I would remember her and move on.