So bizarre !

[2jays]

Slugsta : keep in mind about hearing aids.... not necessarily in your mums case though.....

Mum, 2 hearing aides, would loose one of hers regularly.

At the start, she would "miss it", and want it replaced

then, further on, it got to she would "fiddle" with them both

then latterly, she destroyed them....

Came to the conclusion hearing aids were "too much information" for mum to assimilate so she "got rid" so I didn't replace after the fourth time....

In a strange way, she could hear better once we didn't replace them....

so long as she was looking at you with her glasses on - glasses and the lack of, being another saga....


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[Amy in the US]

Slugsta, if you told us about the hearing aids, I forgot. Either way, I'm sorry one has already been lost. It's just possible it will turn up but I suppose you cannot count on that.

I quite agree with feeling an extra urgency to vote due to being female. When my grandmothers were born, women couldn't vote in the States. That's not so very long ago. My parents also set a good example of voting being part of one's civic duty (I can remember my mother taking me to the voting booth with her, when I was small, and explaining what was going on). An awful lot of people worked awfully hard to ensure I would be able to vote. I know I'm privileged to be able to walk down the street and cast a ballot with no fuss and no worry (ignore the American media on this point) of fraud or problems.

I also had a (female) civics/American history/government teacher, in high school, who was very good, but strict and not a little scary. She really pounded "you must always vote" into our heads. I remember she had a person from the Board of Elections come to our classroom to talk to us, and show us sample ballots and so forth. My teacher shut the door, stood in front of it, and told us nobody was leaving the room (for our next class) until everyone who was of age to register to vote, had done so!

I don't think I have ever missed a primary, general, or special election. I am fairly sure that Ms Scary Government Teacher, would find out and hound me until the end of her days, and then haunt me after that!

We did an absentee (vote by mail) ballot for my mother this year. I was so nervous about this and did masses of research on the ethics of someone with dementia voting. In the end, when my husband showed her the ballot and asked her about it, she was perfectly clear about what it was, what it was for, and so on. We got a lucid moment, for which I'm grateful (especially considering that half an hour later she was deep in a disturbing delusion/confabulation of being assaulted). I don't want to abrogate her rights but I also don't want to commit voter fraud; it's a fine line all too often, being someone's PoA. My mother was always, always scrupulous about voting so I felt I had to try. I suspect this will be the last general election in which she will vote; she's not going to be better than she is now, in four years.

Not to violate anyone's privacy, or get into a political discussion, but my husband reported that when he showed the ballot to my mother, she pointed to the name of one candidate for the office of President and said, "I'm not voting for that crazy moron, [pronoun] is deranged and would destroy the country!!" At that point my husband figured my mother definitely understood what was going on and had capacity.

(Just to be perfectly clear, I am being partly facetious. DH had already asked my mother questions about her name and the election and voting to make sure she understood what was going on. If she hadn't seemed lucid and hadn't been able to explain about elections and voting and the process, we wouldn't have proceeded and would have destroyed her ballot, after trying again another day. And I did tell the care home she had voted absentee and they were NOT to take her to the polls today.)

Here is a cartoon that was in my newspaper yesterday, that is apropos to this topic: http://comicskingdom.com/six-chix/2016-11-07

 

[RedLou]

So glad good, intelligent women like you, Amy, are being sure to vote. & I like the sound of your mother's verdict.
2jays - infuriating, both the call and the result. Hope you are not too bruised.

My OH has come home, having brought my father's ashes safely through security etc. Bless him. I couldn't have gone back. Too many memories. I'm afraid I had a bit of a rant to the skies about how it's always us (and bear in my mind my parents were hateful to my OH) who sort things out while the favoured son (I love my brother but my parents always gave him more, even in the final will) gets off scot free. My mother once poked fun at my OH because his parents weren't married when he was born. (They married later.) After my father's death I discovered my own parents weren't married until quite a few years after they had children!!! :roll eyes:-Nowt as odd as folks.

Wishing you all extremely well. Freezing here but bright on the whole.

 

[notsogooddtr]

Must be bad knee day!I was looking for something this morning,couldn't find it(as usual)turned round and cracked my knee on the corner of a wardrobe.I cried like a baby.

 

[2jays]

Redlou: I had one of those.... a parent ranting at me "living in sin" that I should "save myself" until marriage

Then I did the maths - not my strong point - and worked out mum was 7 months pregnant with my sister when my parents got married


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[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Your suggestion about varying the days we visit is a really good one, 2jays - I doubt I would have thought of that, but you are right. Ouch on the knee - I hope that's eased for you today - and I am so sorry that thoughtless idiot upset you I would have been livid too, in your shoes xxxxxx

I had a parent like you and Red, too - my mum, going ballistic and ranting over her daughters either living in sin or getting pregnant before marriage. It later emerged that she had never married Step-Dad number 1, who is the Father of my two younger siblings

Bless your OH going to get your Fathers' ashes, Red - I understand why it would have been hard for you to face. And I don't blame you for the rant at the skies - again, the two younger siblings here were always favoured - though the youngest sister did lose the favoured status once she made it clear to Mum that she didn't appeciate the awful way Mum treated the rest of us. Mum then started treating her the same way as she treated myself and my two 'full' sisters

I also like your Mum's response, Amy I don't know when Mil last voted, certainly not since she moved in with us. For maybe 12 months (or maybe more) before she moved in, the delusion/belief that Maggie Thatcher was still Prime Minister was fairly constant with her - to the extent that she several times deliberately missed paying her council tax, in the belief that it was the poll tax and she was protesting (Odd - because when the poll tax actually was in place, she moaned like mad about it, but still meekly paid it every month!). She was unable to identify virtually any politicians for at least the last year she lived in her own house, and often got Irish politics of her youth completely mixed up with what was happening in the present - both OH and I felt that she was sadly really not able to understand the policies and choices that were there She identified Boris Johnson as the US president and David Cameron as that 'awful film star' when she saw them on TV not long before she went into hospital - which I guess more or less proved the point!

Ouch notsogooddtr - hope that you are not in too much pain with your 'bashed' knee, either xxxxx

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for you too, Spamar - why are people so darn thoughtless

Slugsta, how annoying about the hearing aid! Such a fiddly little thing to find, too. By the time Mil moved in here, she had lost several pairs of glasses. We took her to the opticians and cataracts were identified, but an op ruled out. We managed to find a couple of pairs of her old glasses - which she only used for reading anyway - and had a few weeks of constant searching for them, because they were so often lost. Then she started to refuse to wear them, even when we could find them, saying she didn't need them. In the end, we gave up - and to be fair, she actually seems to manage fine without them.

Didn't manage to get to see Mil yesterday - basically, I just ran out of steam! Monday, and the 15 hour day spent in travelling to and attending a meeting in South Wales had left me shattered, and then first thing yesterday morning I had an event at the local uni to attend. Both Mondays' meeting and the uni event threw up a lot of admin for me, and by the time I finished dealing with that, I was done! Today, I'm off down the coast - and such a nice day for it, with howling wind, freezing rain and sleet - and having just checked my train tickets, I've discovered that I've been a complete numpty and booked my return train for a whole hour later than I needed too - no idea how I managed to read 16.49 as 15.49 - so won't be home until around 6pm instead of 5 Tomorrow, I have to possibly arrange travel to yet another coastal town for next week, and also definitely book travel for a half day in Birmingham, as well as attend another event in a local college, plus go to collect paperwork from another local organisation. I'm going to try and see her tomorrow, but I think its more likely to be Friday that I next get a chance to visit her - Saturday is out because there is another college event that would be good for me to attend, that I'm going to. Its absolutely manic at the moment - which is interesting and good in terms of work - but boy, I'm shattered!

Right - better go jump in the shower before youngest is up - have a good day everyone xxxx

 

[Harrys daughter]

please help me im very thick in body and brain our American tp ers use DH please can I ask what it means iv made up darling husband for it
X

 

[2jays]

I understand DH as darling husband too




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[Amy in the US]

Sorry to be inconsistent and confusing with those abbreviations, Harry's daughter! I think of OH (other half) as interchangeable with DH (dear or darling husband) and don't really pay attention to what I type. I will try to be better in future.

Currently it is dratted or depressed or down in the dumps or something other than dear, as he stayed up most of the night to watch the election returns, and then got up early (and woke me at an inhuman hour) to confirm the bad news, and tossed and turned and sighed so much that I pretended to be asleep, to avoid having to discuss it. I didn't have to look at the returns; if the result had been otherwise, he wouldn't have been so cranky!

I do not mean to sound shallow or flippant, as he is very upset, but to my way of thinking not sleeping doesn't help, and he is very busy at work this week, and watching the returns come in doesn't change the outcome in any way, so why torment yourself? My spouse/partner/husband doesn't agree with that point of view, and would rather be tormented. That's his choice, but he can be cranky by himself!

I am sure it's not right to giggle at your or their expense, but the number of you who received lectures on behaviour that your parents engaged in, is rather amusing.

Ann, after your day, I don't think anyone could blame you for not having the time or energy to visit MIL. Are the staff good about updates when you call them? That was a lifesaver for me, when my mother first went into the care home, and I wasn't visiting.

Sorry about the mix-up with train times, but I'm glad you're not driving in that sort of weather.

Our unseasonable stretch of warm weather seems to have ended. It was nice while it lasted! Hope everyone is safe and warm and as well as possible.

 

[Spamar]

Yes, Amy good weather has ended. It has rained all day here, and most of last night as well. Very depressing.
I managed to fall over today, in a very wet car park. Thought I'd broken my glasses, that would have been a disaster! How to drive home? Nursing one or two bruises, plus sore shoulders and wrists. Trousers all wet as well, uncomfortable. I am known for falling over, will trip over my own feet if nothing else available! Which is more or less what I did today. It's ages since I fell, was always very careful when OH was not fit.
Slept most of the afternoon!
Hope you are all OK! Ann, your new regime leaves me breathless, couldn't do it now!

 

[Amy in the US]

Spamar, ouch! I hope no lasting harm was done.

 

[Spamar]

Tell you later in the week! Just sore, despite full dose of painkillers today! Early night tonight, will see how I am after a nights sleep! Stiff, I guess. However, I went a bit light headed an hour or two afterwards, but blood pressure was fine when I got home. I don't think I banged my head!

 

[Slugsta]

Aaaarrrrgggghhh! I was just finishing a long post when my computer decided to switch itself off to install updates

Ouchy! It seems it is the week for falling over. I hope no-one has done any permanent damage.

(((Spamar))) I'm glad you didn't break your specs! You can do without the added expense, never mind everything else.

(((Red))) Well done to your OH for collected the ashes for you. I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

Amy, I am in complete agreement regarding the futility of staying awake to watch the results. I have learned this from my hubby - although he is rather too 'laizes-faire' for my liking at times!

Ann, it sounds as if you barely have time to breathe at the moment I'm glad that work is going well but hope you are managing to prevent it from spilling over into your own time.

I didn't encourage Mum to vote this time,the polling card had been in full view on her table for several weeks and she had not shown any interest. When she did the dementia test she couldn't name any politicians and said she had never heard of Maggie Thatcher because she had no interest in politics.

We went to the optician today, Mum just about tolerated the examination - but it was a close-run thing! She does need new glasses so we picked some (cheap) frames and got those ordered. At a cost of nearly £450 She should get a bit of help as I think she is on pension credit. I have asked DWP for a copy of the letter of entitlement so that I can be certain of what she is claiming. I'm afraid I pretended I was Mum rather than faffing about having to send in a copy of the POA and wait for months

We had the option of insuring the glasses for 1 year against loss or damage, at a cost of 10% of the full price of the specs. Mum wears her glasses all the time so they are not easy to lose and she has never damaged a pair. Yet. I hope I made the right decision!

Today I wore my polo necked jumper for the first time in months. I wear a thin one under other tops and it is likely that I will pretty much live in them until next summer. I believe it is due to get a bit warmer over the weekend but will also be wet. Oh well, nothing we can do about it like it or not!

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Hi Harry's daughter - yep, DH equals 'dear husband', 'darling husband' - and 'damn husband' when he's being a pain I've seen it used on a lot of forums, both in the UK and USA

Amy, sorry to hear your DH is making himself miserable with fretting over the election results - though I do understand his frustration and anger, as you say, not sleeping when he has so much on isn't going to help

Big Ouch Spamar - I really hope that you are not so sore today, hun {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}. Weather here is awful - we've had a glimpse of the first snow - though it quickly turned to sleet - and yesterday was extremely cold, with lots of heavy rain. Really not nice - I would much rather have the heat than the cold

I'm sure your Mum should be entitled to help with the opticians cost, Slugsta! The price of glasses through the high street opticians is dreadful - we get the prescriptions, and then go on line to order our glasses. Saves us quite literally hundreds!

The trip to the coast was worth it yesterday, from a work point of view - and I discovered that I was travelling on an off-peak return, so I was able to change my train times at no extra cost, and got home for just after 5, rather than 6pm. I did make a brief stop, driving back from the train station though - bought some thermal leggings/tights and today I'm going to go and get myself a thermal vest/t-shirt - I've discovered that a lot of the trains I am using are extremely chilly, and after getting soaked yesterday, just walking from the car park into the station, I then sat and dithered for the hour long train journey - very uncomfortable!

I am tending to go over my hours, this week in particular. I mentioned to my boss that if possible, I'll take some extra time next week, but I do know that I am going to have to be stricter with myself. I am really tired today, but have about 3 hours worth of admin, then a college open 'event' to attend this evening. This afternoon, I'm going to go and see Mil - and, I guess any spare time beyond that will be spent on chasing up her missing clothes, catching up on the housework - and quite probably, the bulk of it will be spent chasing up the school and the issues there. I haven't said anything, but there have been more 'incidents' over the last few weeks - at the moment, it looks like the school are actually taking some action, but I don't trust them any further than I can throw them, so we will see. I could so, so do without this particular issue still dragging on

Hope you all have a good day xxxx

 

[Ann Mac]

Just been to visit Mil - and it was simply heartbreaking We had been warned that she had been 'up and down' - I very much walked in on a 'down'.

Sat by herself at a table, she thought I was B**** - her much disliked and not-seen-for-years sister in law - at first. Because of how Mil felt about B****, I figured it would be best if I reminded her who I was. Thankfully - and amazingly - as soon as I said my name she identified me as 'S***'s wife'. But then, almost straight away into 'I want to go home, take me home, please take me home, I need to go home, I've left my mother in a state - I need to get home to her'. Tears pouring, grabbing tight hold of my hand, pleading, begging - the home had told me that they have gone to the convelescent story - i.e. that Mil is staying there, on Doctors orders, until she is 'better' . I hope it works better for the staff than it did for me. Over and over and over I repeated the story, telling ehr we love her and that its going to be fine and she will soon be well again - over and over she responded with 'Take me home, Ann - please, please, take me home'.

And very quickly to 'I don't care - I'm going' - up off her seat and trying to almost run, without the frame. Coaxed her back to the table 5 or 6 times, and then verbal aggression and threats - she was going to make a show of me, I was talking 'B*lls***', I could take her if I wanted, I could lend her sixpence for the train - and worst of all - if it wasn't for me, she would still be living with her son She got up again, and slapped at my hands when I tried to guide her to sit back down. Again, the tale that the doctor had said she must stay - she said that it was my doctor not hers, and she didn't have to take any notice.

The next time she got up, one of the staff stepped in and gave her her frame and Mil stomped off to the far side of the lounge where another staff persuaded her to sit. I said I'd give it 5 minutes then go and say 'hello', hoping she would have forgotten that she had already seen me and got cross with me. I asked the staff that were there how she had been, and was told that today had been bad since she got up. Had she had her prn? Yes - but (the dreaded but not unexpected reply) it seems not to have any effect on her at all. She had smacked at a member of staff and tried to hit someone with her zimmer frame, and been banging on the doors - I'd already seen the bruises on her hands and guessed she had been doing that. And that she is like that a lot of the time, according to the staff - who were taking it all very much in their stride.

She spotted me and called me over. An elderly gentleman followed me and asked how I was. Mil told him to 'Go away' rudely and started getting agitated with him. Fair play, a member of staff intervened and led the gentleman away. And Mil went straight back in to a repeat of 'take me home', culminating in her stomping off again, this time to the door and banging on it.

I decided that I wasn't doing her any good and said I would leave. I'd been there maybe 20 minutes. Mil threw a rude 'Goodbye' in my direction and carried on asking the staff to let her out. One led her away saying 'Its this way, love', so I could get out.

So, I left - the staff were lovely but in total, 3 had had to intervene in just the short time I'd been there. I am grateful that they are that much on the ball. But, poor, poor Mil - she was so distressed and scared and angry - and if she is like that most of the time, it doesn't bear thinking about.

I left feeling very close to tears and wishing like crazy that I could have kept her here, even while common sense was telling me that she almost certainly would have been no happier or calmer if I had

 

[jugglingmum]

Ann - you need to find whoever on TP has the Guilt Monster stick and give that Guilt Monster a good old bashing.

You are right she wouldn't be any happier at home and there would only be one of you, not 3 of the staff who intervened and all go home at night.

I don't know if it helps but try to look at the fact the home are coping with her, and so many staff on hand to know how to distract her. If the care is better than the hospital then that is all you can hope for.

I know you like to see how she is, but if your visits are distressing her, is it worth taking a step back for a few weeks and not visit, many many posts on TP comment on it taking a long time to settle and seeing relatives in the early weeks distresses them. It will be very hard for you not going, but it may be the best thing for MIL.

 

[CeliaW]

Oh Ann..I am so sorry for you, OH and MiL.

Nothing I can say that is likely to help but lots of supportive hugs for you. You have done so much to try and get the best outcome for MiL but this is the disease - not anyone's failings. Take care xx

 

[cragmaid]

Ann....picture this, you are at home with MIL and youngest Mac. MIL has one of these turns and daughter tries to calm her Granny. Granny responds by hitting daughter,(with or without her zimmer)......

Ann.... picture this, MIL is at home with youngest daughter. You are working all day in Manchester. MIL breaks the living room window with her zimmer.

Ann ... picture this, you are at home. MIL is at DayCare, lashes out at another visitor and is barred from attending any more.

Ann... picture this, any of the above examples happen, and now you know they can happen. You would have to give up your new job and its salary, no more trips to the zoo. No quiet time at home with OH. Locks on the house doors, locks on the bedroom doors, locks on the kitchen cupboards....wet and soiled laundry day in and day out..... never knowing what the mood of the moment will be.

I would like to suggest that you stay away for a couple of weeks, give the staff a chance to get to know her and to let her adjust to being there and not being reminded that there is a " home" from which she has, in her mind, been forcibly deprived.

She is having a very rough passage through her illness.... and sadly you can make her safe, you can give her treats, but you cannot make it any better, it will make you and your family suffer if you let it.

Ann....let go before it causes you damage.

 

[2jays]

Ann wrapping a blanket of squishy hugs round you xxxxx




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[RedLou]

Ann - as you know, 'home' isn't the home she shared with you and OH. Bash the guilt monster with any old stick to hand. ATM dementia is making her perplexed and angry, which is awful, but there is absolutely NOTHING you can do or could have done to change that. If she were at home with you the ONLY thing that would change is that MORE than one person would be having their life ruined by dementia. Hang on to that. Maybe if we lot repeat it often enough it will help to transition that truth from your logical mind to your needlessly guilty heart, sweetie!
*massive hug*