Morning all,
Thank you Laura, and everyone, glad you liked the pics
Its a gorgeous place, this time of year especially - hard to go worng taking pictures there. And yes, Red - it did me so much good to spend that hour there - I know that we often head off to the zoo or the coast as a family, and I love that - but I'd forgotten just how nice it sometimes is for me to be by myself, just ambling along and concentrating on the photography and what's around me.
Slugsta, Happy Birthday to your Hubby for tomorrow - getting the birthday wishes in early, as I'm off to South Wales at just after 5.30a.m. in the morning, and doubt I'll get chance to post then! I hope he has a lovely day and enjoys his nibbles at home
I wonder if your Mum will notice the move when it happens? I doubt Mil would - even before she went into hospital, it wasn't unusual for us to bring her home from DC, or even just a trip to the shops, and the house that we have lived in for over 20 years, that she had lived in for nearly 3 years, was completely unfamiliar to her and she would ask '
Where is this place? Why are we stopping here?'. In the hospital, even after she had been there for several months, she would often be certain that she was there for her first day in a new job, that she had never been there before. I can't imagine how disorientating and scary that must have been for her at times
We phoned the home yesterday afternoon and got the all clear to visit. She had been a 'bit tetchy' before lunch, but they told us, she seemed very settled and calm now, so off we went. Found her sitting in the large lounge area, watching the rugby. She was pleased to see us, but no really big reaction - which is always good, actually - if she is at all 'over-emotional', tearful, overly-relieved or overly-happy to see us, then going on how it was at the hospital, we sort of know that she will be edging towrds agitated for the whole visit. OH suggested - as the telly was very loud - that we move over to the dining area so we could chat. Mil informed us that she would have to get someone to 'watch her', gesturing to a lady sat next to her, saying that she '
couldn't just leave her, you know!'. She was quite bossy, ordering a near-by staff to 'keep and eye' - but fair play, straight faced he played along and assured her he would take care of the other lady. Mil seemed to struggle getting out of her seat, and leaned heavily on her frame when walking, but we got her settled at a table in the dining area. I have no idea where she thought she was, or why she thought she was there. The first thing she did was tell us off, asking sternly '
And where did you two vanish to this afternoon?'. OH told her we had to run a few errands, and she seemed content with that. Her conversation was all over the place, lots of confabulation (as per usual) but all quite disjointed and some things she said were quite nonsensical - about how she had had to style her own hair that morning, before she had even woken up, because everyone else was busy. She kept looking towards the telly - she used to religeously watch rugby if Ireland were playing, but I don't think she ever really understood the game, often talking after a match about how many 'goals' Ireland had scored, lol - but she seemed quite fascinated. OH asked her who she was supporting, Austrailia or Wales? Australia, she said, because they had been singing Irish songs and saying Irish prayers before they played - so clearly, watching rugby was still somehow associated with supporting Ireland in her head. She talked about how she had decided to go back to college/school. She told me that she liked the way I had 'back combed' her hair for her earlier, then switched that to what a good job my Mum had done, setting her hair. Lost count of how many times she asked us about 'Ann and S***' - had we seen them? Did we hear what they said earlier? Had we been to their house? Did we know if her Dad was at their house? OH got his phone out and took a selfie of himself and Mil - when he held the phone out, to show her the picture, she looked at it and called him a 'Daft s*d' - that woman looked like May Mullan, not her, she said - and hadn't May gone to look old? She absolutely did not recognise herself. OH asked her how old she was. She very firmly told us she was 16 last birthday.
She was quite 'detached' with us - we've noticed this several times lately - its as though she still realises she knows us, but not that we are related or close to her, more like we are just aquaintences. In a way, this is better for her - we think it reduces the odds of her getting upset when we leave. But, it is a bit of a sucker punch, to realise that she is losing that sense of us being family.
While she was chatting to OH, I went to her room - I'd said that I'd like to check her case before it was unpacked, explaining how much of her stuff seemed to be missing from the hospital. The case contained 1 nighty, the bottoms to 1 pair of pj's and the tops to 2 more pairs. Only one dressing gown, only one of her new bra's, 2 bra's that didn't belong to her, 4 tops and just one pair of trousers. Thankfully, Paddy (the leprachaun toy) turned up, wrapped like a mummy in loo paper, in one of her toiletry bags - but the two other teddies she had taken to the hospital were gone, as were about half the new toiletries I'd bought (no way could she have used them all since I'd taken them in). Two really nice cardigans are also missing, approximately 5 pairs of trousers and I think around half a dozen tops.
I went back to join OH and Mil, bringing the now empty case - I hoped that it not being there will discourage Mil's 'packing' - and she never even commented on it. In total, we stayed for about an hour, before she started on the 'Are you going to miss your bus?' and we decided to leave. At this point, the anxiety kicked in and she thought she was coming with us. OH gently explained about her being in 'sheltered accomodation' and she sort of accepted it, but she was clearly very confused. We made a quick exit. As we left the lounge, despite the difficulties she seemed to have walking when we arrived, we saw her leap up like a ruddy spring lamb and start after us - minus frame and moving like Zola Budd! The senior very quickly directed another staff to intercept, pointing out that Mil didn't have her frame - and we left. We needed to check that the hospital had sent the 'This is me' document for Mil, as they were supposed to, as I'd been asked about it, so headed for the office. We could hear Mil shouting our eldest daughters name, sounding quite frantic - we also heard a member of staff reassuring her, thankfully.
The hospital hadn't sent the 'This is Me' stuff, so I said I'd email a copy when I got home. The assistant manageress said that Mil hadn't been too difficult. She had been demanding home before lunch and when she found she couldn't get out, she had been banging on tables and shouting - however when the lunch came out, she had tucked into it - albeit she insisted on eating standing up! After that she had calmed down. Once again, we were quite reassured that she seemed to fully understand just how difficult Mil can be - and is very confident that they can handle it at the home.
So - all pretty good, I think, so far, in terms of her settling. We are prepared for her to kick off at some stage, when the hostess mode wears off completely - but the home are also prepared for that and their confidence in their ability to cope with that happening is very reassuring.
Seeing Mil in that setting was difficult for us both. The staff we saw were lovely with the residents, seemed very competent and there has clearly been an effort to make the place cheery and comfy - but there is no getting away from the fact that its a residential home. And thats the last place we ever wanted to see Mil - which I guess is pretty much the case for each and every one of us who have had to accept that residential care is the best and only option for the person we love. We know fully just how 'impaired' (the hospitals rather blunt term) Mil is because of the dementia, but seeing her amongst some 20-odd other people, all similarly affected (or worse) and realising that she doesn't stand out, that she is really that ill now, was somehow another one of those 'kicks' that you
think you are prepared for, but aren't really. I guess we have to stop looking at it through our eyes, though, and look at it through Mil's - all the things that we find 'awful', the institutional feel, the obvious impairments around us, the lack of privacy, the enforced routine, the lack of independence - Mil is oblivious to all that, she actually finds 'normal' family home life harder to cope with and her needs are now best met by 'professionals' who won't be as exhausted as we were, trying to care. OH and I just have to make the adjustment and come to terms with all that in our heads.
I'll probably visit again On Tuesday afternoon - OH is back on a week of nights, and with everything else I have on this week, if I don't get there on Tuesday, it will be either Friday or Sunday before i get a chance to visit again. We have agreed that the aim will be to vist twice a week , 3 times if we can manage it - but iof there are weeks wehn we only get there once, we are not going to beat ourselves up about it (Yeah - right
)
Hope you all have a good day xxxxx