Thank you Marcelle. My stepdaughter brought me home and stayed most of yesterday. At least we managed to do some shopping. After nearly 4 weeks away, the cupboards were bare!
Another friend coming today!
Weather not nearly so nice today, blowing wind, rain and grey skies!
I think date news is Monday, but with my bad writing and scribbled notes, it’s guesswork!
As I've always posted in this thread this seems to be the place to vent.
Not a big issue yet, but it's worrying me. Long long post so don't mind if you pass.
I am on TP as my mum has dementia and I've posted before on here re MIL, who is now 92 and worrying signs, dau and I can both spot, but OH doesn't like the D word and wouldn't listen if I mentioned it. He has never really understood mum's dementia, and thinks I see dementia in all old people. I can see a potential car crash, but not sure if there's anything I can do to avert the crisis.
So odd things have been happening for a couple of years, which if I'd never come across dementia I'd have thought nothing of. First 'big' thing was she hadn't paid her electricity bill for 12 months, she brushed it off to SIL as she wasn't happy with the readings and thought bill was too high, we had had phone calls about this, and not managing to read the meter etc. I think she'd forgotten how much things cost, and just got very confused about it, she had phoned the electric co multiple times. SIL sorted out paying it and set up direct debit and that was sorted.
On a couple of our visits over last few years MIL has seemed noticeably confused if things aren't what she expects from time to time but not all the time.
She gave up driving earlier this year, after bumping her friends brand new car in the car park. Neighbours had commented to SIL about MIL's driving but SIL was 'well I haven't seen any issues' despite SIL always driving when she stayed. OH said she'd have to decide herself and wouldn't say anything, despite us deciding about 4 years ago we weren't going in the car when she was driving. Many of her friends no longer would go in the car with her. OH and SIL head firmly in sand.
Around Christmas time SIL and OH decided that MIL no longer could make high level financial decisions - SIL is fairly concerned MIL has no grip on her finances (POAs are in place - at my suggestion) and has slowly tried to assist. This wording is glossing over the problem, but an admission by them both that there is a problem at a level.
SIL phoned the other night and is concerned as MIL is 'getting more confused' and is struggling with anything 'new'. OH's comments were she doesn't have to deal with anything new so what's the problem. This is ringing alarm bells for me, but OH isn't interested.
We are meant to be 'keeping' MILs car at ours, for SIL to use, but so far OH hasn't gone to collect it (she lives 200 miles away in rural Scotland in a hamlet so small it isn't on google maps), as we've been busy - SIL used it the week before A levels started and we've barely had time to think since then, getting dau sorted for her hols (took a lot of effort to pack 2 panniers), our hols, dau sorted for uni, and only 1 free weekend since we got home from holiday and we used that to replace our dying car. (dau races cycling, son fences). We both work and as you'd expect with kids competing all over the country we are stretched. In the next 7 weekends I have 2 trips to London, bath and Bristol, all over 3 hours away. Dau is racing near Glasgow, gatwick, south wales and york before Christmas, so we just can't fit it in. OH isn't prepared to use his holidays to collect a vehicle we don't really want sitting on the road outside our house. SIL lives in Colorado and it is cheaper to keep the vehicle than hire apparently, although I don't know if she's got an insurance quote. MIL is complaining about the cost of car tax and insurance, when OH told her to SORN it and cancel insurance as car is worth so little - MIL thinks it's worth £2k - but on a quick google max £500 and prob less. Insurance for MIL is more than this. SIL has annoyed OH over this as she thinks we can run around and sort it out, she didn't work, her ad her ex never had plans for the weekend, and didn't do much and she doesn't understand how stretched we are.
So ignoring car issue, there are issues with MIL which are only being slowly addressed. SIL has visited MIL twice a year for a while, but now she has a new partner is only coming once a year. OH's relationship with his mum is fairly strained as well. FIL was not a pleasant person to know, and decided when we got engaged in 89 he really didn't like me and never wanted to see me again (same pattern as for his other 2 children), I was 'allowed' back in 2002, partly as we had a child by then, and he died in 2003. OH saw his parents once a year in that time at my insistence. Since his death we have seen his mum mainly once a year, we normally go for a 24 hour trip but one xmas OH decided he really couldn't be bothered, and sometimes we have just gone for lunch (7 hours of driving) as we just couldn't face staying over. I don't know how old the beds are but I refuse to sleep in them as the ancient mattress is so worn out it sags and I end up with a back so sore it takes weeks to recover, so we sleep on the floor or take our campervan. OH had a very dysfunctional childhood with a very controlling father, so whilst he knows his mum was caught up in this as well, he finds it hard when he feels she didn't look after him, and hasn't tried to reach out to him since his father's death when he has tried hard to reach out to her - we invited her to stay a couple of times, but she was very awkward, and wanted us to behave in her life pattern. She has always taken the attitude of frail old woman, expecting us to run to her, and being severe in her attitude, I think from the way her husband expected to behave. I don't think she is like this with her friends as you can tell from comments and her behaviour towards them she is a nicer to be with person for them, there was clearly a lot of warmth towards her from the people we met at her 90th a couple of years ago.
Not expecting any answers, just worrying about the crisis that is coming, I have feeling following latest call that is could all accelerate quite fast. MIL relies heavily on friends and their patience must be wearing thin, the main friend who has done a lot of the support is moving soon, she currently lives 5 miles away but will be 15 or more (so rural that there aren't many properties in that 5 miles so it is close for that area). MIL has a good friendship group but likes living in the rural isolation and doesn't want to live in a village let alone a town, so wouldn't contemplate moving to somewhere she could access services without relying on others (nearest supermarket is a 40 mins drive away for instance), local town has a small coop and londis, as is common in rural Scotland, although MIL favours shopping in a town further away that she used to live near (it does have more butchers etc). Of OH's siblings, his brother has walked away due to childhood and MIL's lack of being prepared to acknowledge effect on the children and any acceptance they suffered in life - BIL was thrown out of house at 17 as FIL didn't like his girlfriend. His sister has spent a lot of time with her mum but when a US resident she won't be on hand when things need doing. OH really doesn't want to have to do anything.
Thanks for reading, I feel better for writing it down, I know I am worrying about what might be and much of the problem is the strained relationships and distance.