Morning all,
Thank you all so much!
Slugsta, I thought I might be over-reacting to the OTT staff who insisted on getting a 'kiss' from Mil, but you said what I felt - that forcing her attention on Mil in that way was absuive and totally unacceptable. I thought maybe that I was being a bit 'off' because of my annoyance over the darn cushions (got to the stage where I even hate typing that word, I am so fed up of the whole saga!) but you have reassured me that I was right to find her behaviour out of order. Actually - and I should have mentioned this before - she is the staff who suffered a broken wrist as a result of Mil having a meltdown. It's so bad, but after now encountering her 3 or 4 times, I've come to the conclusion that she maybe got off lightly ! Because I have to agree with Carolynp - her behaviour is crazy! It's extremely uncomfortable to witness, and judging by Mil's reaction on Sunday, it's also uncomfortable to experience. She speaks to Mil as though she were a little kid, repeats things Mil has supposedly said about her or to her (a lot of which just don't ring true), encouraging Mil to agree (when Mil clearly hasn't a flipping clue about what she is blathering about) and relates incident after incident about 'what a laugh' or 'what fun' she and Mil have had. Its just too much, IYKWIM. And all accompanied by demands for hugs and kisses and getting into Mil's space. It feels all geared to try and impress us, not guenuine at all - and I would imagine if she puts on the same behaviour in front of other 'audiences', especially where Mil is concerned, she is going to end up being injured again, because - as Mil's attempt to bite her clearly showed - Mil found her as irritating as I did. Her response to the 'bite' by the way, was to abruptly pull away, then turn to me and tell me that Mil 'always does that - she says its because I'm so sweet, she wants to eat me up!'. I mean - really?
Amy - thank you, too - as Slugsta says, you always speak so much sense! The comment about never knowing what to bring up and what to let go - yep. Get that, totally. Overall, the care Mil receives is really good - when I read of others experiences of some of what they have had to deal with, with care homes, I usually find myself feeling incredibly lucky where Mil's care is concerned. Yes, the wearing of other peoples clothes really annoys me, but I constantly tell myself that actually, it doesn't bother her, it doesn't cause her discomfort, so its something that I need to get over. It's not important, in the big overall picture. And - unless the clothes they have on her are too tight, or hanging off her - I don't ever say anything, even if I am most definately thinking - as you say - that if Mil was still with me , that wouldn't happen! It really isn't easy, beause in an idea world, dressing someone in somebody elses clothes would be seen as undignified and unacceptable. But the CH world is not an ideal world, and I have to keep telling myself that.
I have documented, I guess, all the incidents - on here, mainly. But, it would be a good idea to have everything listed properly, all in one place in a document that I can refer to, if necessary, for if I need to speak to the manager again. For example, Mil's breathing hasn't been right the last two visits, and on both occasions, I've suggestd that consulting the GP might be a good idea. I wasn't able to get to Mil yesterday (hoping to squeeze in a visit today) but if there is no improvement on my next visit, and the GP still hasn't been contacted, having a record of me raising the issue twice already, along with a note of who I spoke to, would be helpful.
The idea of a follow up meeting is good. When I go today (work permitting) I think I will try and arrange that. As you say, it won't do any harm for the home (and staff) to know that I am still keeping an eye on the situation. I also think Slugsta's idea of noting what staff are about is a good one - not that I know all their names, though - none wear name tags (for H&S reasons, I guess - the residents would find them a handy item to get hold of!) so even now, with some, although I see them regularly, I don't always know what they are called! Thats something I need to rectify.
Its difficult to put into words why its so hard to deal with issues like this, when they occur. You worry that you are over-reacting, or being unfair. If what you are concerned about is petty. You worry about damaging your relationship with the CH and it's staff, if you complain. You do worry - though I take on board the reassurances given by the experienced people that Amy spoke to - that it will impact on your loved ones care. I also worry - as again, Amy put into wise words - if maybe it's me, having trouble 'letting go'. You don't want to be one of those relatives who is 'always' finding fault. When you find a good CH, you end up feeling so grateful that you then feel guilty for complaining - it's wrong, because whether your loved one is self funding or not, the CH's are being paid a huge ammount to provide care, and if it falls short, then you shouldn't feel bad about voicing concerns. Gratitude for basic, decent care shouldn't be a factor. And - of course - you also have the responsibility of doing what is really best for your loved one, and if you don't speak out, then the GM steps in.
Reading your responses, I am reassured that I am right to continue to push for the cushions to be used for Mil. For the sake of her physical comfort, for her safety, to allow her to eat - and as Spamar says, Sunday demonstrated to me that whether caused by infection or her existing health issues - because using them helps her breathing, which by itself is reason enough. I'm hoping that - as Carolyn and Amy point out - because the issue now clearly is on the staffs radar, that using them will become automatic. But if not, then I will just have to keep pushing. As for the OTT staff - I think I'll start there by asking her politely and firmly to back off if she starts with Mil again. If that doesn't work, I'll have a word with a senior. I thik thats the right thing to do - Mil's agitation and meltdowns are a major concern, any behaviour from staff that could potentially exaccerbate the liklihood of Mil blowing is an issue that also needs to be dealt with.
Whew. Thank you - I ahve things so much straighter in my mind now!
Spamar, Carolyn and 2 jays, hoping that you are all on the mend, and that, Slugsta, your tummy has settled too. JM - hoping that you are feeling better about posting soon, hun - and that all is otherwise OK with you. Red, hows your gorgeous granddaughter doing?
I'll let you all know what the cushion situation is after the next visit - fingers crossed everyone, please - it would be lovely to walk in there and find Mil sitting upright and comfortable!
Thank you all so much!
Slugsta, I thought I might be over-reacting to the OTT staff who insisted on getting a 'kiss' from Mil, but you said what I felt - that forcing her attention on Mil in that way was absuive and totally unacceptable. I thought maybe that I was being a bit 'off' because of my annoyance over the darn cushions (got to the stage where I even hate typing that word, I am so fed up of the whole saga!) but you have reassured me that I was right to find her behaviour out of order. Actually - and I should have mentioned this before - she is the staff who suffered a broken wrist as a result of Mil having a meltdown. It's so bad, but after now encountering her 3 or 4 times, I've come to the conclusion that she maybe got off lightly ! Because I have to agree with Carolynp - her behaviour is crazy! It's extremely uncomfortable to witness, and judging by Mil's reaction on Sunday, it's also uncomfortable to experience. She speaks to Mil as though she were a little kid, repeats things Mil has supposedly said about her or to her (a lot of which just don't ring true), encouraging Mil to agree (when Mil clearly hasn't a flipping clue about what she is blathering about) and relates incident after incident about 'what a laugh' or 'what fun' she and Mil have had. Its just too much, IYKWIM. And all accompanied by demands for hugs and kisses and getting into Mil's space. It feels all geared to try and impress us, not guenuine at all - and I would imagine if she puts on the same behaviour in front of other 'audiences', especially where Mil is concerned, she is going to end up being injured again, because - as Mil's attempt to bite her clearly showed - Mil found her as irritating as I did. Her response to the 'bite' by the way, was to abruptly pull away, then turn to me and tell me that Mil 'always does that - she says its because I'm so sweet, she wants to eat me up!'. I mean - really?
Amy - thank you, too - as Slugsta says, you always speak so much sense! The comment about never knowing what to bring up and what to let go - yep. Get that, totally. Overall, the care Mil receives is really good - when I read of others experiences of some of what they have had to deal with, with care homes, I usually find myself feeling incredibly lucky where Mil's care is concerned. Yes, the wearing of other peoples clothes really annoys me, but I constantly tell myself that actually, it doesn't bother her, it doesn't cause her discomfort, so its something that I need to get over. It's not important, in the big overall picture. And - unless the clothes they have on her are too tight, or hanging off her - I don't ever say anything, even if I am most definately thinking - as you say - that if Mil was still with me , that wouldn't happen! It really isn't easy, beause in an idea world, dressing someone in somebody elses clothes would be seen as undignified and unacceptable. But the CH world is not an ideal world, and I have to keep telling myself that.
I have documented, I guess, all the incidents - on here, mainly. But, it would be a good idea to have everything listed properly, all in one place in a document that I can refer to, if necessary, for if I need to speak to the manager again. For example, Mil's breathing hasn't been right the last two visits, and on both occasions, I've suggestd that consulting the GP might be a good idea. I wasn't able to get to Mil yesterday (hoping to squeeze in a visit today) but if there is no improvement on my next visit, and the GP still hasn't been contacted, having a record of me raising the issue twice already, along with a note of who I spoke to, would be helpful.
The idea of a follow up meeting is good. When I go today (work permitting) I think I will try and arrange that. As you say, it won't do any harm for the home (and staff) to know that I am still keeping an eye on the situation. I also think Slugsta's idea of noting what staff are about is a good one - not that I know all their names, though - none wear name tags (for H&S reasons, I guess - the residents would find them a handy item to get hold of!) so even now, with some, although I see them regularly, I don't always know what they are called! Thats something I need to rectify.
Its difficult to put into words why its so hard to deal with issues like this, when they occur. You worry that you are over-reacting, or being unfair. If what you are concerned about is petty. You worry about damaging your relationship with the CH and it's staff, if you complain. You do worry - though I take on board the reassurances given by the experienced people that Amy spoke to - that it will impact on your loved ones care. I also worry - as again, Amy put into wise words - if maybe it's me, having trouble 'letting go'. You don't want to be one of those relatives who is 'always' finding fault. When you find a good CH, you end up feeling so grateful that you then feel guilty for complaining - it's wrong, because whether your loved one is self funding or not, the CH's are being paid a huge ammount to provide care, and if it falls short, then you shouldn't feel bad about voicing concerns. Gratitude for basic, decent care shouldn't be a factor. And - of course - you also have the responsibility of doing what is really best for your loved one, and if you don't speak out, then the GM steps in.
Reading your responses, I am reassured that I am right to continue to push for the cushions to be used for Mil. For the sake of her physical comfort, for her safety, to allow her to eat - and as Spamar says, Sunday demonstrated to me that whether caused by infection or her existing health issues - because using them helps her breathing, which by itself is reason enough. I'm hoping that - as Carolyn and Amy point out - because the issue now clearly is on the staffs radar, that using them will become automatic. But if not, then I will just have to keep pushing. As for the OTT staff - I think I'll start there by asking her politely and firmly to back off if she starts with Mil again. If that doesn't work, I'll have a word with a senior. I thik thats the right thing to do - Mil's agitation and meltdowns are a major concern, any behaviour from staff that could potentially exaccerbate the liklihood of Mil blowing is an issue that also needs to be dealt with.
Whew. Thank you - I ahve things so much straighter in my mind now!
Spamar, Carolyn and 2 jays, hoping that you are all on the mend, and that, Slugsta, your tummy has settled too. JM - hoping that you are feeling better about posting soon, hun - and that all is otherwise OK with you. Red, hows your gorgeous granddaughter doing?
I'll let you all know what the cushion situation is after the next visit - fingers crossed everyone, please - it would be lovely to walk in there and find Mil sitting upright and comfortable!
When its set out like that, it really does put it in perspective, doesn't it? And on each and every occasion we have found her without her, we have asked for them, and explained over and over why we want them used. I don't honestly see how any staff there could now be unaware of them, or not understand why they need to be used. 
